Closed off

I am closing myself off to the world. I can feel it. I find myself staying in my room for the entire day, into the evenings. I have been finding it hard to keep my mind on my school work. I go to work, I come home, I eat, I go to bed. I smile all day but when I am alone I am somewhat numb. While I am not overtly sad, I am nowhere near as happy as I used to be.

Depression is a funny thing. It can be contained but it never really goes away. I am normally incontrol of my mood but lately itseems like I am sliding backwards. At least I have reached a point where I can recognize the change in myself. That is actually an improvement for me. At one point in my life I would slide head first into depression and stay there until someone would grow concerned about me and finally bring it to my attention.

I think it is time for me to go back to therapy. I need to speak to a licensed therapist. There are things I can deal with on my own and things that are a bit beyond my control.

It’s time to seek a professional.

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You good?

Has anyone checked on you? If not, I’m checking in you. Yeah, you.

You good?

How are you feeling, really? Are you stressed? Do you feel alone? Still “in the closet” with no one to confide in? Is anxiety getting the best of you? Feel like you’re failing? Do you need to talk about it? Do you have someone to talk to? If not, I’m listening.

Really.

I’m listening.

No judgement. I’ve done too much in my life to judge ANYONE. You can talk to me. My comments are open. If you want privacy, email me at barelysanenurse@gmail.com.

I know what it’s like to hold it all in. I know what it’s like to feel… Weird. I know what it’s like to be suicidal. I know what it’s like to be depressed. I know what anxiety feels like.

I’ve been there. You don’t watch your mom die at 16 and come out unscathed.

I’ve been a hot ass mess. I’m still a hot mess but at least I’m in control of my emotions. That’s a win, right?

You aren’t alone out here. I care. I don’t have to know you to care. You’re another human being. I believe in love.

You don’t have to do this all alone… Unless you want to, I can respect that.

Final Fantasy, finally?

So my cousin got me to try Final Fantasy XIV online. It’s an mmorpg.

I’ve never played an mmorpg.

I suck at it.

I like it though…

I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m playing on a laptop so I’m learning how to move around using keys on a keyboard, instead of buttons on a controller. I run into walls… A LOT. I also suck in battle. I have difficulty being able to move around and attack at the same time. It’s complicated to me. I’m hoping over time this gets easier as time goes on.

I have never been good with complicated game mechanics. I think that’s why I’ve stayed in my comfort zone with games. I’m a side-scroller girl. Gimme Super Mario any day and I’ve got you. Running around and fighting in an open world, I got nothing. I feel like a complete newbie to gaming as a whole when I’m playing FFXIV! I feel like everyone playing the game can tell I’m the new kid. I mean, no one else is running in circles lost or getting killed by low level monsters… Or at least that’s what it feels like.

I am surprised I haven’t given up yet. That’s typically what I do when I feel like a game is too hard. I stop playing instead of trying to learn. Luckily, this time I have my cousin guiding new along. He gets online with me and helps me get through quests. He and his team have been helping me level up. He is also teaching me the things I need to know about the class I am playing. He’s kind of my mentor in this game. I think having in game help is the only reason I’m still going. Maybe the next time I write a blog about the game I’ll have good news. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll be doing some raids or something and not getting everyone killed…

The right people

You know you’re around the right people when you can have the uncomfortable conversations and instead of it turning into an argument it’s a discussion.

I have those people. My best friend and I can disagree, go at it, not talk to each other, and be right back to being the best of friends.

My cousin had to endure one of those discussions where I had to really dig into him and his need to hold himself down. I had to help him get out of his own way. It wasn’t pretty but we had a thorough conversation.

My brother and I talk about any and everything. He gets into me and tell me to get my shit together and I do the same to him. We may both get in our feelings for a while but then it’s right back to full convo like nothing happened.

That’s what I need. I need those people that I can be open with. I need those people that will call me out on my bullshit when it’s needed. I need people willing to have those really uncomfortable conversations. Those are the healthy relationships. That’s where I am in life right now. I want people around me that are authentic. I want people around me that care enough about me to be honest. I want positivity in my circle. I don’t have time to deal with people that want me to sugar coat things. I’m giving it to you raw, real, honest. I expect the same.

When the universe speaks

When the universe speaks, you listen.

You may not want to hear what it has to say. You can try and ignore it. You can pretend you don’t hear what it’s trying to say. It doesn’t matter how you try to avoid it. You will hear what it has to say. 

I am speaking from experience. I am speaking from recent experience. I have been doing shit to avoid hearing what The Universe was saying to me. Pick up extra shifts at work to keep my mind busy? Sure. Shop to pass the time? Yeah, okay. Ignore my journal because I know if I start writing I am going to open up a box of hot ass mess in my mind? Yep, I am totally here for that. Pretend my relationship is working because I don’t want to deal with what I know is coming? Let’s do it!

All the while The Universe is in my ear likebaby girl, this ain’t it. You know things have to change. You need to face these things. Come on honey, let’s work on this.” 

Oh, I could hear it. I tried to cover my ears and “lalalalalalalalalala!!!” my way through it but apparently The Universe has a way of getting to you anyway. And it got to me. Hard. Tuesday of this week while sitting on the couch it felt like someone was talking to me in my head. I know I sound crazy but it is what it is. It’s like I could hear someone saying: “it’s time for you to want better for yourself. You deserve more. You are worth more. You have to let this go.” I had been allowing things to go on in my relationship that were of no benefit to me. I had been putting up with situations that, honestly, were bullshit. I accepted selfishness. So, I made some decisions that needed to be made. 

It wasn’t  just my relationship. I was talking myself out of making the big choices. I was holding myself back. I was allowing the fear of failure to keep me from even trying. That’s not me. I am a go-getter. I am a fighter. I see it, I want it, I go get it. I don’t settle for what I don’t deserve. Yet here I was, completely selling myself short. I need to do better.

So I am listening Universe. I hear you and I am listening. Go ahead and say what you need to say.

Over share

I feel like we have reached the age of over sharing. It feels like people feel the need to share every detail of their lives with the public as if they are looking for some kind of stamp of approval.

It’s part of the reason I left Facebook, among other issues.

I wonder why people feel the need to bring people so deeply into their lives. Yet, these same people are always calling people out for “being in their business”. I don’t get it. It’s like they only want people in their business if they are getting positive reinforcement from it.

Is it really necessary to share so much personal information? Or maybe I’m just weird for wanting to be so private?

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I share pics. I tweet. Hell, I blog. I also keep a certain aspect of myself and my life off of the internet. I feel like my life is ordinary enough that it doesn’t warrant every moment being posted. I work. I’m restarting school. I hang with my group of friends. That’s really it. Maybe that is why I don’t feel the need to share everything. There’s nothing special going on daily that I think the world would be a better place knowing. I’m just here living and thriving. I can tell that I’m getting to a point where I am out growing social media platforms. It’s starting to not make sense…

A veggie good time?

So when this posts I will have not eaten meat for a week. Sounds like no big deal, right? For me it is. I’m a bacon lover. At work for breakfast, it’s always 4 slices of bacon and grits. I’m a country girl, what can I say!

However, I’ve noticed how overly full I feel after eating meat. It feels like my stomach takes forever to digest it. It’s been like this for as long as I can remember. I eat and then feel sluggish and full for way too long. So, I’m decided to take meat out of my diet for a while. I want to see if there is any change in how I feel after I eat.

I can say that so far I have felt better after meals. That’s a good thing. It could be a placebo effect or it could be that I am essentially a little better. I am eating far more fruits and veggies than I would have before. That’s a good thing.

I am realizing just how much of my diet was meat. Every meal was essentially meat and whatever else I threw with it. Now that I am holding off on the “meat” part of my meal I have no idea what to replace it with. I don’t really know how to replace the protein that meat provided. I have a real lack of vegetable knowledge. I don’t know how vegetarians do it! How do they plan meals that aren’t just salad? If I am going to keep this up I’m going to have to do some research on vegetarian diets and how to get it right.