When the universe speaks

When the universe speaks, you listen.

You may not want to hear what it has to say. You can try and ignore it. You can pretend you don’t hear what it’s trying to say. It doesn’t matter how you try to avoid it. You will hear what it has to say. 

I am speaking from experience. I am speaking from recent experience. I have been doing shit to avoid hearing what The Universe was saying to me. Pick up extra shifts at work to keep my mind busy? Sure. Shop to pass the time? Yeah, okay. Ignore my journal because I know if I start writing I am going to open up a box of hot ass mess in my mind? Yep, I am totally here for that. Pretend my relationship is working because I don’t want to deal with what I know is coming? Let’s do it!

All the while The Universe is in my ear likebaby girl, this ain’t it. You know things have to change. You need to face these things. Come on honey, let’s work on this.” 

Oh, I could hear it. I tried to cover my ears and “lalalalalalalalalala!!!” my way through it but apparently The Universe has a way of getting to you anyway. And it got to me. Hard. Tuesday of this week while sitting on the couch it felt like someone was talking to me in my head. I know I sound crazy but it is what it is. It’s like I could hear someone saying: “it’s time for you to want better for yourself. You deserve more. You are worth more. You have to let this go.” I had been allowing things to go on in my relationship that were of no benefit to me. I had been putting up with situations that, honestly, were bullshit. I accepted selfishness. So, I made some decisions that needed to be made. 

It wasn’t  just my relationship. I was talking myself out of making the big choices. I was holding myself back. I was allowing the fear of failure to keep me from even trying. That’s not me. I am a go-getter. I am a fighter. I see it, I want it, I go get it. I don’t settle for what I don’t deserve. Yet here I was, completely selling myself short. I need to do better.

So I am listening Universe. I hear you and I am listening. Go ahead and say what you need to say.

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Over share

I feel like we have reached the age of over sharing. It feels like people feel the need to share every detail of their lives with the public as if they are looking for some kind of stamp of approval.

It’s part of the reason I left Facebook, among other issues.

I wonder why people feel the need to bring people so deeply into their lives. Yet, these same people are always calling people out for “being in their business”. I don’t get it. It’s like they only want people in their business if they are getting positive reinforcement from it.

Is it really necessary to share so much personal information? Or maybe I’m just weird for wanting to be so private?

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I share pics. I tweet. Hell, I blog. I also keep a certain aspect of myself and my life off of the internet. I feel like my life is ordinary enough that it doesn’t warrant every moment being posted. I work. I’m restarting school. I hang with my group of friends. That’s really it. Maybe that is why I don’t feel the need to share everything. There’s nothing special going on daily that I think the world would be a better place knowing. I’m just here living and thriving. I can tell that I’m getting to a point where I am out growing social media platforms. It’s starting to not make sense…

A veggie good time?

So when this posts I will have not eaten meat for a week. Sounds like no big deal, right? For me it is. I’m a bacon lover. At work for breakfast, it’s always 4 slices of bacon and grits. I’m a country girl, what can I say!

However, I’ve noticed how overly full I feel after eating meat. It feels like my stomach takes forever to digest it. It’s been like this for as long as I can remember. I eat and then feel sluggish and full for way too long. So, I’m decided to take meat out of my diet for a while. I want to see if there is any change in how I feel after I eat.

I can say that so far I have felt better after meals. That’s a good thing. It could be a placebo effect or it could be that I am essentially a little better. I am eating far more fruits and veggies than I would have before. That’s a good thing.

I am realizing just how much of my diet was meat. Every meal was essentially meat and whatever else I threw with it. Now that I am holding off on the “meat” part of my meal I have no idea what to replace it with. I don’t really know how to replace the protein that meat provided. I have a real lack of vegetable knowledge. I don’t know how vegetarians do it! How do they plan meals that aren’t just salad? If I am going to keep this up I’m going to have to do some research on vegetarian diets and how to get it right.

About that…

So…

I cut my locs off.

There was nothing wrong with my locs. In fact, I enjoyed the journey.

Truth is, I am lazy. I don’t have the discipline to keep up with my locs in the manner that they should be cared for. Locs require patience. Locs require time. I have neither. I could have gotten someone else to care for my locs. That requires time and money. I have neither of those either. Let’s be real, I’m trying to start a masters program, I’m broke.

I enjoy waking up, hitting my hair with the sponge brush, and going on about my life.

For me, my hair is a part of me but it is not my identity. I change my hair drastically often. I’ve grown locs, grown a fro, worn wigs, cut my hair into a fade… I have grown to embrace change. I enjoy popping up with something new and surprising the hell out of everyone. People that know me well know not to get comfortable with my hair. I may give you a year of a particular type of style and then overnight change everything.

Going natural changed how I understood my hair. BLACK HAIR GROWS! My hair grows but while I was getting relaxers, I never retained any length. Now this is not to start a “relaxed vs natural” debate. I have been on both sides. My hair wasn’t terrible when I was relaxed, in fact it was shoulder length but I couldn’t get it to grow longer than that. I couldn’t retain any length past that point and I was too afraid to get my split ends clipped. I was so misinformed about black hair that I thought it wouldn’t grow back if I cut it. Then my edges started to thin. Y’all, my forehead is big. I have a five-head. I can’t do the “no-edges” life! I decided to go natural in 2008 and haven’t looked back. That whole process has taught me about my hair and what it can do. I know my hair will grow back. I can cut it however I desire and I know with proper care it will grow back. This realization is why I so comfortable changing my hair as often as I do.

So, the locs are gone. They may come back. They may not. I may have a fro this time next year. Hell, I may be bald! Just know, don’t get too comfortable…

Life doesn’t suck

Your life doesn’t suck. I know you’re going through hell right now.

Your finances are out of control

Your health is poor

You can’t see to get a job in your field because of “experience”

You are barely making it through school

Your “check engine” light just came on

Your long term relationship just ended

Your circumstance SUCK right now, but your life…  your life doesn’t suck.

You are alive. You are able. You can do this. You can survive this. You can enjoy life. You can find a tiny little spark of happiness somewhere in there. Don’t give up.

 

Hello old friend

So one of my exes decided to slide into my DM’s after I posted a picture of myself. I have cut my locs off (that’s another blog) and got a low cut. We messaged back and forth a bit which led him to want to come over and “watch movies”.

I’m going to have to slide you a “no” there buddy. I am well aware of where you are trying to do sir.

I let him know I was watching Twitch with my brother. Now for those of you that don’t know, I don’t have a blood brother. He is my best friend and my roommate.

I had to explain this to him. And then… And then the conversation changed.

Once he realized my brother wasn’t blood he immediately wanted to know if we were sleeping together.

Fucking seriously?!?

No. No, we are not. Contrary to popular belief men and women can be “just friends”. We can be platonic. I don’t have to sleep with everyone of the opposite sex. In fact, practically all of my friends are male. I have slept with NONE of them. I don’t intend to. I see them as people, as individuals, as humans, as friends that I love.

He could not understand that. He just couldn’t. As far as he was concerned, if a guy is “friends” with a woman it is with the intention to sleep with her… You know, because that’s what he does I guess?

I will never understand people who believe everyone thinks the way they do. Some of us out here can actually control our genitals. Some of us see the opposite sex and people.

I guess we are a rare breed indeed…

Peace

The new meme wave as of late has been about being his/her “peace”. The people I tend to see posting these memes are also people that haven’t had peace in their life in a long time judging by the amount of bitter quotes posted to their profiles.

How can you ask someone to be your peace when you aren’t even at peace with yourself? Why do people expect someone to come in and fix their life for them?                  At what point should a person start to hold themselves accountable for their own happiness? No one else can be your peace. Someone can add to your peace but they cannot be responsible for your peace. Other people cannot be responsible for your happiness. He/she cannot fix you. As rude as this may sound, it is not their job to fix you. It is not their job to fix you…

I think that is probably the hardest thing for people to understand. You cannot rely on others to make you happy. The happiness will never last. Lasting happiness comes from within. It’s cliche, it’s corny, but it’s true.  If you are unhappy before someone comes into your life, just know that the unhappiness will continue. You are going to begin to find fault with everything they do. You will latch on to every mistake they make. You do this because in your mind they are failing at the one thing you need them to do: make you happy. They aren’t failing. The fact is they can’t make you happy because your unhappiness is coming from something much deeper inside of you. You are unhappy with yourself and NO ONE can fix that. So, of course, you blame them. You constantly argue. You constantly keep a wall around yourself.  You push them, and push them, and push them. They leave and of course, because you have no accountability, it’s all their fault.  You refuse to look at what part you played in the situation. Instead, you label them a “fuckboy” or a “bitch” and join the “Bitter Bitch Brigade”. No matter how many failed relationships you go through, you never try to do any self-evaluation. It’s always everyone else’s fault. Everyone else is a problem. Never you… No, not you. You are the victim in all of this.

And that is why you are never at peace. That is why you will never know peace. That is why no one will ever be your peace. You push peace away from you.  Be your own damn peace. Get yourself together first. Get your mind, your soul, your heart in a better place. Do that on your own and THEN bring someone into the picture. It will be far more peaceful.