You’re not an individual anymore

Since when was it necessary to lose your individuality just because you are in a relationship? I keep seeing relationships where one person is so insecure that they have to be up under their partner at all times. He/she can no longer go out with friends unless their partner is going too. If they don’t text back in 2.7 seconds then it’s an argument. They want to Facetime/call/text 24/7 with no time in between. I see stuff like this glorified on instagram all the time (memes of the girl getting dressed because her guy is going out with friends and she decided she’s going too). That constant need to be near their partner and have no space at all is strange.

Is that not annoying?

Is it not also a red flag? 

Yes, red flagI say that for a reason. I have learned over the last few years of dating fuckboys (and one fuckgirl) that space is essential.  It gives you time to actually miss your partner. It gives you time to decompress. It gives you time to be an individual. And that right there, ladies and gentlemen, is where the red flag comes in to play (at least for me). Why does this person not want to be alone? I used to be that red flag. When I was jumping from relationship to relationship, I did it because I didn’t want to be alone with myself, it made me uncomfortable. I didn’t want to be an individual. Hell, I couldn’t be an individual because I didn’t know who I was as a person outside of being a girlfriend.  I had so many pent up issues that I just didn’t want to deal with, but they always came back whenever it was just me. When I was up under someone I could pretend everything was okay. My depression wasn’t real. My mother being gone wasn’t real. My alcohol problem wasn’t real. My anxiety wasn’t real. My fears weren’t real. My inability to communicate like an actual adult wasn’t real. In a relationship it was no longer “me”, it was “we” and I could pretend like all my problems that I was hiding weren’t real. I could focus all of my attention away from myself and all the things I need to fix and focus on him/her. Pretend perfection… until things fell apart. 

See, all those things I hid from were still there and would eventually rear their ugly little heads. I would still be depressed. I would still want to drink. I wouldn’t know how to communicate my feelings so instead I hid them until I couldn’t anymore and then blew up over some dumb shit. I was one problematic ass girlfriend. Seriously! I wanted to make whoever I was with drop their individuality and become this inseparable entity. It was beneficial for me, who cares how it was for them right? But that’s not all. I ended up in shitty relationships because instead taking my time to find someone that actually had something to offer, I jumped on whoever was next. Fuckboy after fuckboy. Sprinkle on a fuckgirl for good measure.

So to recap, I was a shitty girlfriend that dated shitty people and ended up in shitty relationships because I couldn’t be alone and deal with my shit. I am willing to admit this as I sit here typing, single as hell and finally okay with it. In fact, I have been single for a year now. I had a few friends with benefits but I dropped them so I could just focus on me, my issues, and finding a person worth my time. Being alone SUCKED in the beginning but I am finally at a point that I am comfortable with me. I am enjoying this space. I am rather happy as an individual. I am waiting until I find someone that I can snuggle up under, love all up on, and still have “me time” without them getting offended. 

 

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5 months

Guess who hit five months of locs?

This chick! I even have a little hang time!

I actually call them “locs” now instead of saying “twists” because my hair is finally starting to loc near the ends. This has truly been a learning experience since I’m doing this on my own this time around. Here are a couple of things I’ve learned so far:

  • Locs need moisture. I was bad at that the first time I had them. My hair only got attention when I went to the beautician. Now that I’m doing them myself I pay far more attention to my hair.
  • I don’t need to wait 6-8 weeks between washes. I know not to wash my hair weekly but for me, that’s too long in between washes and I sweat too much for that. (Somewhere a loctitian is cringing. I’m sorry.)
  • It’s not “lint”. That white stuff I saw in my locs the last time I had them wasn’t freaking lint! I have dandruff but I also have a sweaty/oily scalp as well (it’s weird but it’s true I swear). When I scratch my scalp I don’t have flakes, I have a residue that will actually sit under my nails. Now I wash my scalp twice, then I focus on my locs and they may get the double wash as well. I have almost none of that residue in my locs this time around.
  • Patience! I’ve learned patience. While I admire the long locs I see on others, I had to force myself to understand that they are much further along in their loc journey than I am in mine.
  • My hair isn’t always going to look “neat”. Locs frizz up just like my twists used to. My locs like to face different directions as well, I need to learn to be OK with that.
  • Not everyone “approves” of locs and that is not my problem. This is my hair journey, no one else’s.

I can’t wait to see what my locs are doing in another five months!

So I’m watching soccer

Thanks to my brother I’ve started watching soccer.

This is new for me.

I never watched soccer prior to a few months ago… And then my brother moved in. He loves soccer so he decided to try and get me to watch it. I was hesitant because I legitimately had no idea what was going on. I mean, how do you play a sport for 90 minutes and have no score! I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it. My bro being my bro, he sat me down and started explaining the game as we were watching it. He made me watch the whole 90+ minutes.

Oh… Ohhhhhhh. That’s how you can play a sport for over and hour and a half and still end 0-0. The defense! The skill level required to maneuver that ball is unbelievable. The fact that they run into each other like two trucks colliding, and then get back up and act as if nothing just happened blew me away.

You want to know what really got my respect? The fact that soccer players are on that field for the whole damn game! My fat ass would literally die.

Seriously. About 3 minutes into the game I would collapse onto the field dead from a massive heart attack because I’m far too out of shape to do any of that.

Now I’m hooked.

I’ve been intensely watching the World Cup. The games have been wild, especially now that I know what’s going on. I’m glad I let my bro convince me to watch a Chelsea match. All this time I ignored an entire sport because I was close minded. I’ve had people try and get me to watch a match and I flat out refused. MAN WAS I AN IDIOT FOR THAT!

So now, the sport of fútbol has a brand new fan!

America

I am ashamed of this country but I am not surprised. Violence towards those with brown skin is a part of the fabric of this nation. Separating families of brown skinned people is also a part of the fabric of this nation. European immigrants came to this country and slaughtered the original people that lived here. Now this country wants to claim other immigrants are dangerous and illegal?

Why? Are you afraid if more brown people come into the country you will become a minority (and you know just how awful this country treats minorities)?

Are you afraid your poorly constructed hierarchy will fall if we realize our strength and numbers?

You justify your cruelty and hatred with the Bible and yet completely look past the hypocrisy of it all.

We are well on our way down a dangerous path, a path that may ultimately destroy this land and what it supposedly stands for.

Do we sit back and watch America crumble or do we fight?

The dating pool

The dating pool in your 30’s is filled with raw sewage.

I had no idea how hard it would be to find someone my age that has their shit together. Currently I run into:

  • Married but wants a side chick
  • Afraid of commitment
  • Still trying to be a rapper full time
  • Multiple kids that they don’t take care of
  • No goals or plans for the future
  • Comfortable making $2 over minimum wage
  • Wants me to “come through and chill” in hopes that it leads to sex
  • Still wants to party every weekend
  • Still wants to buy tables and pop bottles every weekend at said party but needs gas money on Monday

Seriously? I’m in my mid thirties and this is what I have to pick from? This can’t be all that’s left!

So internet I ask: where do I go to meet at least semi-decent people (male and female, I am bi after all)?

Internet explorer

I’m an internet explorer.

I’ve ended up in some weird places. I’ve seen since weird shit. Unexplainable shit. Questionable shit.

Most of the time, I find the weird shit on accident.

I start with good intentions. Really, I do! I may look up something, and it mentions something else. Me being me, I look up that “something else”. That leads to a new thing, and another new thing, then another, and now I’m watching Japanese pop death metal.

You’d think that would stop me in my tracks…

Nah. Why stop there?

I mean, once you’re already in the weird part of the internet you might as well keep going… And I do. I’ve watched things I’m ashamed to mention. I’ve read things that make me question humanity. Didn’t stop me.

So to my readers, what was/is the weirdest thing you saw or read on the internet? Link me to it!

Super Wokeman

I’m going to create a superhero and call him “Super Wokeman”. He will be the hero all hoteps deserve. He (can’t be a “she” because only men can lead in the hotep community) will be descendant from Egyptian royalty because we all know Egypt is the only country in Africa according to hoteps. He will have a degree in YouTube scholarly studies, since most of their knowledge comes from YouTube videos of people angrily spitting unverified information. He will be vegan and organic because people that aren’t are failures (because the rest of us are just poisoning ourselves with non organic shit, duh). He will be able to detect a woman giving an opinion from a mile away and be able to jump in and “man-splain” in a single bound. He will fly around in only the finest African print super dashikis. He has a third eye to detect interracial relationships that need his opinion on why they are wrong. His disguise will be working in some “white man’s job” while simultaneously making fun of you on Instagram and Twitter for not starting your business and working for yourself instead of relying on the “White man”. Super Wokeman will be the wokest of all men. He will be the ultimate hotep.

I need someone to draw this for me!