Over saturated

I’m over saturated. The news, social media, all of it is all just a bit too much for me. The state of the world is making me anxious. I keep internalizing all of the negativity going on. I can’t watch the news anymore. I never want to reopen my Facebook page. I can only be on Twitter for short amounts of time. I am even pulling away from Instagram. There is just so much hatefulness out there. I feel like there is almost too much information available. I am leaning more on face to face time with friends and just writing in my journal to help me de-stress. I’ve taken to aromatherapy and meditation as ways to help calm me. I have to pull away and save my sanity. 

Is it just me? Am I just being dramatic? 

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Sideline culture

When did being a side piece become a goal? Instagram glorifies it. Facebook glorifies it. Twitter glorifies it. Music glorifies it. Television shows glorify it. I just want to know when it became acceptable. Why would anyone want to be with someone that can’t give them their whole selves? Why would you want to be with someone that you can’t go out in public with? Why would you want to be with someone that has to save your name in their phone as something else so they don’t get caught? Why would you want to be with someone that can’t actually acknowledge you?

Why would anyone want to be with someone that can’t give you their all? Why would you want to be with someone that you can’t go out in public with? Why would you want to be with someone that has to save your name in their phone as something else so they don’t get caught? Why would you want to be with someone that can’t actually acknowledge you? Honestly, I think it comes down to this: why do you think you are only deserving of part of a person and not them as a whole? Don’t you feel like you deserve better than that?

I find it even stranger that side pieces strive to become the main piece, conveniently forgetting that their side position is now left W I D E open. If he or she will cheat with you then you have to know that he or she will cheat on you. Why would anyone want that? Why is that something to strive for? Why is this a thing?

I guess there are some things I will never understand…

Cleaning house

I cleaned house. Emotionally and literally. I took the time to give the house the top to bottom scrubbing it needed. A few hours and some of the most ratchet music I could find was all it took. After cleaning the house I lit incense and let the scent fill the whole house.

I went further than that.

I threw out anything left from my last relationship. I found teddy bears, pics, other small things that reminded me of her… And him. If you have been following this blog then you know that before her I was engaged to him. Neither relationship ended well. I still had things that reminded me of both of them.

So I tossed everything. Anything that belonged to them. Anything that was given to me by them, and it wasn’t much, is gone now.

I feel better. I feel lighter. It sounds so stupid when I say it out loud but cleaning really did help. More than the physical cleaning, the spiritual cleaning really took weight off of me. I’m going to spiritually cleanse more often.

Random

I was supposed to do a blog post today. I slept. It was a rough night at work. The last trauma we got in was a train wreck. He tried to die as soon as he got there and was still trying to die when I left.

So I slept. I slept hard. I’m going to count that as self care. That counts as self care, right? Eh, I’m counting it.

Natural

I want to begin using more natural products. I would like to try natural toothpaste, deodorant, hair care, skin care, etc.

I have no idea where to really start.

Yes, I am well aware that I can just “google it”, but not all companies are trustworthy companies. I want to give my money to smaller businesses that really take pride in the ingredients in their natural products. I want to shop at businesses that use get their ingredients from sustainable resources when possible. I want to support black owned when I can. I want to support local and growing.

So it’s not as easy as “just google it”.

If anyone has small businesses that they recommend, drop them in the comments section. I’m all ears!

Avoidance

South Carolina holds a lot of bad memories for me. It is where my mother died. It is where she is buried. It is where I suffered from a drinking problem. It is where I stayed in a terrible relationship for far too long. It is where I first began sinking into depression.

I left and never looked back. Best decision of my life.

However, the negative memories I have of my life down there have caused me not to go back and visit the family that I left. I abandoned them along with the state. I feel guilty about that. While my sisters and I are no longer all that close, for various reasons that I won’t get into, they are still my blood. I have 12 (or is it 13?) nieces and nephews that I don’t see very often. All of this because that state holds so many bad memories for me. That’s completely unfair to them. I am depriving them of an aunt and depriving myself of the memories being made as they continue to grow.

I have to do better.

Those dark days

I’ve been having more and more of those dark days. I’ve been spending more and more time alone. I’ve been spending more of my days off sleeping. I either have no appetite or I gorge. I’m just not in the best place.

That’s the thing with depression. It never really goes completely away so much as it lies dormant and re-emerges when you’re most vulnerable. I hate to admit it but the break up hit me hard. It was hard to lose not only a girlfriend of over a year but also a friend of 8 years. It sucked and still does suck. I know that the pain of losing my relationship is playing a big role in me sliding down into the pit.

I am proud of myself though. Years ago I would see myself sliding into the depression pit and do nothing to stop the downward spiral. Now I see the slide and I start taking measures to put the brakes on that downward spiral. I start focusing on self care and it’s that time again. I have 13 days off starting tomorrow. I am going to celebrate my birthday with my best friends. I’m going to write in my journal each day for the whole break so I can express my feelings. I am going to meditate like I used to. I’m going to jog by the river which I love. I’m going to go to SC to see my sisters and my over abundance of nieces and nephews. I’m going to do the things that I know lift my spirit. If I need to have a therapy session or two then I’ll do that as well. I am going to do whatever I need to do to limit the dark days. I have depression, depression does not have me.