So close.

I am one portfolio away from having my BSN. I’m so close to this ordeal finally being over. I have no motivation. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be done with school. I am just so burnt out that the thought of another project makes me want to scream! School has been a huge ordeal and has even put me into debt. It’s caused a mental breakdown more than once. I’ve thought about quitting probably every term. This has been a rough road. I am over it. I am glad that I did it finally. This degree will help me advance in my career as a nurse. This degree is a stepping stone to what I actually want to do. I’ll look back on this and realize all the stress was worth it.  But for now, I am going to angrily stare at the taskstream instructions for this last project… 

Fix or fuss?

This blog actually hit me while talking to my brother. We are givers. It comes natural to us. We are good listeners, that also comes natural to us. We are very deep feelers. We are honest. We also have a habit of wanting to find a solution to the problem.

However, there are some people who do not want a solution to their problem. What they seek is sympathy. They want attention. They do not come to you so that you can help them fix this mess. They come to you so you can tell them how much of a victim they are.

These types of people want to talk… all the time. They will come to you for your “opinion”, however, if you begin to offer real world fixes to their problem they will shut down. Some will even catch an attitude with you and you may not understand why. You were simply speaking from the heart.

They did not intend to take responsibility for their issues. They did not plan on taking any action. No, that is not why they came to you with their problems. They just want you to listen and then tell them how wrong everyone else is. You are there to stroke their ego and spare their feelings. That’s it. You are there to be as useless as they are.

These people will drain you. They may be family or present themselves as friends. They will make you believe you can count on them in your time of need, just like they count on you. That is not how the “friendship” will progress. Blood is not thicker than water in all cases. Slowly, they will need you more and more. They will drain more and more of your spirit. Their problems begin to feel like your problems. They have no issue with talking to you but are always too busy if you need to talk to them. This is when you may begin to realize, you are just the listener. Knowing you, you will still try to be the friend you expect them to be. You will be the better cousin/aunt/uncle/dad/mom/ sister/brother/daughter/son than they are to you. They will continue to drain you.

Then it finally happens. You finally get sick of their shit. They have drained you of all you have emotionally and given nothing in return. You are tired. You are frustrated. You feel empty. You. Are. Over it. Congratulations! You are ready to break free from this parasite. You cannot fix their problems, and let’s be honest, they are not your problems to fix. You have your own life. You have your own issues to deal with. You have your own emotions to go through. You need to get back to you. It is time for you to re-focus. Concentrate on fixing your life. Focus on refilling. Focus on you and not feel guilty about it. Enjoy your new found freedom from their insanity. Don’t break yourself down trying to build them up. That is not your responsibility.

No happiness allowed

Have you ever encountered someone that is against any sort of happiness? What’s with that? Why do people go out of their way to hate on any and everything that people enjoy?  What exactly are they getting out of it?

Prime example: trend haters. If it’s trendy, they hate it… for instance Pokémon Go. I can’t even count how many people were bashing the game, bashing the adults that played the game, bashing enjoyment of the game in general. I saw lots of posts like “while y’all are out chasing Pokémon I’m out chasing this money.” or other dumb stuff along those lines. Why does it matter that we are out enjoying ourselves? At no point does our playing Pokémon Go have any effect on them. Yet, these people go out of their way to make sure the world knows they don’t like what others are enjoying. 

Even more recently, the “fidget toy” trend has been getting a TON of hate. Just go into the comments of any social media page that advertises the cubes, spinners, or anything else fidget related. It’s over run by people that have taken time out of their day to complain about how stupid they think this particular trend is. WHY DOES IT MATTER? Someone buying a toy to play around with has no bearing on the outcome of your day. None. Zero. Zip. Nada. 

Then there are the relationship haters. You’ll know them by all the bitter quotes about loyalty that cover their pages. They don’t believe in love anymore and you shouldn’t either. They always have something negative to say about everyone else’s relationship. However, they are so focused on hating other’s relationships that they have no time for one of their own. You have a guy that texts you “good morning”? He’s only awake because he was out cheating. You have a girl that makes you proud with her dedication to school? She thinks she’s better than you. There is no such thing as a healthy relationship to these people. 

Happiness is something that must be crushed whenever possible. 

I understand that life can make you cynical. I lost my mom, my whole world, when I was 16. It was crushing. It opened my eyes to loss, hurt, and how unfair the world is. It didn’t make me hate happiness though. It made me crave it. I wanted to be happy. It made me embrace every happy moment thereafter. 

Honestly, if you want to be cynical, be cynical. If you want to be miserable, be miserable. However, don’t expect others to sit in the misery pit with you. Let everyone else be happy. 

Everything for (almost) nothing

I shop online. A lot. I am always on the lookout for a good deal. I also make sure that whatever site I choose to shop on is legit. Once I know the site is legit then I make sure the product is legit. I’m a realistic shopper. I get what I pay for.

How is it that people don’t understand that? People really expect to get a $450 product at a $4.50 price.  When I’m shopping on one of those sites where I know everything is coming from China, I make sure to look at ratings and reviews. However, there is always at least one scathing review about how the product wasn’t exactly like the picture or how it took too long to get there. 

Honey, you paid $8 for a “genuine sterling silver” ring with “Swarovski” crystal and $1.27 for shipping, what exactly were you expecting? Where have you been shopping that had real sterling silver for under $10? And have you ever looked at the price of Swarovski crystal? You knew what the deal was. You knew that price was ridiculously low for a reason

And bruh, you paid $14 for those “over the ear, Bluetooth, light up” headphones. Why are you complaining that the charge doesn’t last long enough? I’m going to need you to get it together. 

You get what you pay for.

You are trying to get something for damn near nothing. You could not honestly have believed the cheap knockoff you bought was going to be just like the real thing? That price was your first warning. Quality craftsmanship costs. Be realistic. Understand what you are buying. Know that it’s going to be hit or miss. It just is. It’s a sketchy price from a sketchy destination, so be ready for a sketchy product. I mean it’s nice to receive a good product for those super cheap prices, but expect to see some flaws. That’s how it works. When shopping for that perfect deal, you win some you lose some. The anger you’re feeling in those comments isnt worth the $3 you spent. 

So here we are (BEDA 30)

So… here we are. It’s my last blog of BEDA. This is the first time, since I started blogging, that I have written on a consistent basis. Typically I write when the mood strikes. It was always inconsistent. Sometimes I would go for months without a single blog, and then blog back to back. This “BEDA” challenge was really me challenging myself. I wanted to see if I could actually blog consistently for a month straight. Turns out I can.

I think when I originally started blogging it was just to have a place to express how I was feeling at the moment. Then somehow I got this idea that blogs had to be full of well thought out and long posts. I thought I had to have some amazing point to get across. So I only blogged when I had an important thought to get out. That is why my posts had been so sporadic. BEDA has taught me that a blog can be a spur of the moment thought or feeling. Not every blog post needs to be “deep”. This is my online journal and I think I want to try and use it more.

Blogging everyday in April has actually been kind of a fun challenge. It sort of reignited my passion for writing. BEDA gave me a new perspective on blogging. I think I am going to try and blog more consistently now. I want to try and blog at least once a week. I am going to have my brother hold me to this. Guess we will see how this goes.

Dear weird black child (BEDA 29)

Dear weird black child,

There is nothing wrong with you. Do NOT let your blackness be defined by someone else. You do not belong in the box that other people, including OUR people, want to put you in to. There is nothing wrong with who you are. I have been there. I was that weird black kid and I turned into a weird black woman. I am proud of that.

I didn’t dress like everyone else. I wasn’t, and I am still not, label conscious. I didn’t really listen to rap music. I was super into anime (still into it now). I read manga. I was an undercover gamer. I was that weird black kid. I was made fun of. I was told that I “talk white”. I was told I wasn’t “black enough”. I was told I was weird. It took time but I embraced it. I am who I am and that is good enough for me.

You are who you are. Your blackness is in no way related to the things you enjoy. It’s ok for you to be more excited about the Looney Tunes Vans than the Yeezy season 2’s. It’s fine that you would rather watch soccer than basketball. Go ahead and participate in cosplay, you look GREAT! Sing along completely incorrectly to that Korean pop song, I’m in my car singing along too. You don’t know any of the rappers out right now? That’s ok, neither do I. You’re standing in line for a new game? Have fun and play hard! You know more about anime than reality television, you’re not alone (in fact most of the people I know don’t watch reality shows). There is absolutely nothing wrong you. There is nothing lacking about your “blackness”. You are who you are and you have no reason to be ashamed. Do not let others change how you feel about you. Be weird. Be true to who you are. You are not obligated to meet anyone else’s ideas of “how to be black”. There is no manual. There are no “blackness guidelines”. Your black does not have to match anyone else’s black. You are who you are meant to be.