The “hotep-ing” of happiness

So the movie “Black Panther” is here. I am excited. A lot of people that I know are also excited. To finally see black people represented not as slaves, not as thieves, not as drug dealers, pimps, or bank robbers but as royalty is amazing. We as a people are excited. AND THEN THERE ARE THE HOTEPS.

“yOu CaN gO sEe BlAcK pAnThEr BuT cAnT vOtE?”

“InStEaD oF gOiNg To SeE WaKaNdA In A mOvIe YoU cOuLd GeT a TiCkEt AnD sEe It In ReAl LiFe” (actual sum up of a tweet).

“YoU sPeNdInG mOnEy On A mOvIe BuT cAnT sPeNd MoNeY oN yOuR hOoD?

Like, why can’t y’all just let us have a moment of happiness? One moment? One? You did this same shit when “Pokèmon Go” came out. In fact, any time you notice people enjoying something that doesn’t involve making you the center of attention you hoteps seem to have a problem. Whenever you can’t figure out how to “Egyptize” or “We tha real Native American-ize” something you have a problem with it. If it isn’t “pain porn” talking about slavery and the damage it has done to us, you have a problem.  If this movie was about Nubia and Egyptian royalty using black actors you would be pushing for all black people to go see it. But it’s not. It is Africans and African Americans being unapologetically African. They aren’t in your fetishized land of Egypt which makes you feel exotic. In your mind, Africa consists of Egyptopia and nothing else. Pyramids. Mummies. Gods and Goddesses. Hieroglyphics. That’s it. Wakanda, full of all these beautiful dark-skinned beings isn’t exotic enough for you. In fact, Africa isn’t exotic enough for you. It was all “back to Africa”, “we are royalty”, “we are the real kings and queens of Egypt” until your asses took a DNA test and found out you come straight from the western or southern region of Africa. Oh, that wasn’t good enough. These DNA tests are fake! Now we aren’t even African, we are actually the real indigenous American. Those DNA tests aren’t fake when they say you aren’t the father or they exonerate you from a crime though? Get the whole hell off of your high horse. In fact, get the whole f*ck out of here. 

Say what you want. Be as angry as you want. We will still go see the movie. We will still enjoy the movie. You can sit you bitter asses at home and just let us have this.

 

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Recharging the extrovert

I consider myself an extrovert. I’m outgoing. I’m comfortable in social situations. I can enter a room full of strangers and leave with a room full of friends. I used to be super shy but that died after entering college. I enjoy being an extrovert. It can be exhausting though.

When I am with people, I am so social that I give all of me to everyone around me. I want to see people smile. I want to make people laugh. I want people to be comfortable. That’s just who I am.

It can drain me.

Sometimes I give so much of myself that I leave completely depleted, empty. When that happens I have to replenish myself. Typically this means I have to be alone. My “me time” is the best way for me to rebuild myself. Sometimes I go for a long walk by myself. Sometimes I take myself out to eat. I love going to the museum by myself. A nice walk alone through the botanical gardens refills my soul. As much of a “people person” as I appear to be, people actually exhaust me. I am great with people, but I don’t actually like being around too many people unless I have to be. I am an extrovert that would remain solitary if I had the choice. So, am I really an extrovert or am I just an introvert that adapts well to social situations?

 

Do I dare?

Do I dare jump back into the dating game? I’ve been single since July 2017. It’s not that I have been avoiding dating, it’s more the fact that no one has caught my interest. I’m bisexual. My preference is the so-called “stud” but I have always been open-minded. My problem is that I haven’t met anyone with substance. Either they care more about looking good than actually doing good, or they are still trying to be a rapper, or they aren’t ready for a relationship and just want you to “come through” late at night. I’m not looking for any of that. I just want someone with their head on straight that I can get to know and potentially build with (that’s also a gamer). That’s it.

I feel like Richmond is not the greatest place for singles. Honestly though, the dating pool in your 30’s is more like a plastic backyard pool with muddy water in it. It’s rough. To make things worse, I don’t even know where I am supposed to start looking. Like, do people still go to clubs and bars to meet people at my age? I don’t think Richmond really even has an over 30 social scene. I mean, I could try online dating again but I am just not prepared for the dick pics.

So. Many. Dick. Pics.

Starts out with a text convo, then some phone calls, and thenboom

Unnecessary and unexpected pic of someone genitals.

CAN YOU NOT!

So now I’m stuck. Do I venture out into the “social scene” and pick up someones’ babymama/daddy or do I venture into the online scene and prepare for the foolishness?

Either way, I need to get out there.

Anime and unexpected feels trips.

Has anyone else been taken on an unexpected feels trip because of an anime? Its happened to me SEVERAL times. Chobits got me. The episode when Hiroyasu is telling the story of his persocom that became his wife made me tear up. The fact that she slowly lost her memory and then is hit by a damn truck saving him… Really? I’m going to need a little prep time for that. Elfen Lied was just episode after episode of emotional turmoil. I kept thinking, okay now we get to the happy stuff. Ha, no.

And then there was the second (or is it third?) season of Assassination Classroom. 

I did NOT sign a permission slip for that feels trip and yet they Miss Frizzle’d my ass into a full-on emotional breakdown! I wasn’t ready *Kevin Hart voice*! The first season is so non-sensical but it keeps you drawn in. That first season gives you no clues as to how deep they are going to go. The last few episodes of the series though? I sobbed.sobbing.gif

I have never had an anime make me sob and yet here I was, a grown ass woman, sobbing over a cartoon essentially. That last role call is what did it. If you have never seen Assassination Classroom, I recommend it. If you have only seen the first season, you are doing yourself a disservice. You need to see the rest of it. If you have seen it all the way through then you know exactly what episode I am talking about. It was rough.

That’s the thing about anime though. It can make you laugh until you are in tears or legit just make you cry real tears. It’s not just a “cartoon” for a lot of us out there. There are stories of triumph, of failure, of friendship, of betrayal, of love, and of loss. There are animes out there that really make you question humanity and its actions. Some make you see the beauty in humanity. That’s why I hate when people turn their noses up at those of us that are passionate about the animes we watch. They don’t understand. They see an animated piece of work. We see so much more. I guess that’s why we keep taking these feels trips…

Up and down

I’ve been up and down as of late. Some days I feel normal, like a functional member of society. Other days I feel like I don’t want to be a part of anything. For me, this is pretty much my norm… Except lately there have been quite a few more down days than usual. Depression is an ongoing battle, especially for me since I refuse to take meds. I use therapy and other outlets to help with the lows. Most of the time this works for me but not right now. I’m down, way down. I spend almost all of my time locked up in my room. I have to talk myself out of canceling outings. I have to force myself to do laundry and that only happened because I was finally out of underwear. I just sort of feel like I don’t want to function. I don’t want to be a part of anything. I don’t want to exist. I am not sure what the trigger is for the down mood this time. Most of the time I can pinpoint what is dragging me downward. Often times it’s the holiday season or perhaps my mother’s birthday. Mother’s Day is one of the worst days of the year for me and I have learned to prepare myself for that but also not judge myself too harshly for how I feel. This time is different. It’s January, the start of a brand new year. It’s basically a do-over. Somehow, I feel worse than I felt during the holidays. I am in the midst of depression and I don’t like it. I don’t like the sadness. I don’t like being so withdrawn. I don’t like the fake smile I put on almost every day. I don’t like what I call “soft” suicidal ideations (no plan but little thoughts of just ending it that I am able to talk myself out of). Most of all, I don’t like not knowing why. I guess I need to come to the realization that depression doesn’t need a reason. It strikes when and how it wants to.  This is what mental illness is like. It’s not an aesthetically pleasing Tumblr blog. It’s not a sad song or a deep piece of poetry. It is raw. It is unexplainable at times. It is life disrupting. It is unplanned. It is painful. Most of all, it is real… all too real. So here I sit. I am trying to figure out the next steps to take to get myself back on the right track. I am trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t. I am deciding on whether it is time for therapy again. I am doing whatever I can to crawl out of this hole.

LoL

No, I’m not laughing out loud. I am talking about a game that my cousin got me hooked on, League of Legends. It’s a MOBA (multiplayer online battle arena) which is basically protecting your base while you try and destroy theirs. From the ones I have seen, it’s typically 5v5 (your team of 5 versus their team of 5). I am new to MOBA’s, hell, pc gaming in general. Let’s just say I sucked when I first started.

I have been playing now for about two months and I can say that I have improved. I play the part of a marksman, shoot to kill. The game has LOTS of characters to choose from but I have grown fond of one in particular, Miss Fortune. She is easy to learn and her ultimate is easy to use. As a beginner to MOBA’s, she is perfect for me. My friends are experienced with these types of games so they choose to play support, tank, assassin, other sh*t I don’t remotely understand. Yeah, I am going to stick with my point, click, shoot.

As someone that doesn’t like to try new games because I get frustrated, I like it. Actually, I love it. It’s fun. It’s totally different from anything else I have played. I haven’t started PvP yet because I’m not ready to get my a$$ kicked on a regular basis nor am I ready to deal with the toxicity that comes with playing against real people. I am trying to build up my skills so that when I finally step out into the wide world of real-time play I am actually of some benefit to my team.

Hopefully I keep this same enthusiasm when I step into that real battle arena…

MAGfest

It’s almost time for MAGfest! Yay… I think.

I am normally super excited but this time I’m not. Normally we stay in the Gaylord where the convention is held. This year we are staying in a hotel in Alexandria because MAGfest fucked up their room registration so bad that it was almost impossible to get through to register. By the time the system let us in, ALL the rooms in the Gaylord and the surrounding hotels were sold out. This comes after the new decision with preregistration to increase the price as time progresses and more people buy tickets.

Yeah.

I am not impressed with how they have handled things this year. It has taken away a lot of my enthusiasm for MAGfest this year. Don’t get me wrong, I will enjoy myself. I will play as many games as possible and buy as much game related merchandise as I want. I will make the most of my time with friends. However, MAGfest really did not handle things well. This may be my final year attending unless they figure shit out for next years’ registration process.