Chronic pain can kiss my a$$!

For the past several months I have been dealing with chronic pain. An old back injury had turned into new constant battle.

I pulled my back several years ago. I’m a nurse, I’m hard headed. I simply took some meds, a little heat, some rest, call it a day. I never got it checked out.

I regret that.

Pulling on unconscious trauma patients has aggravated that old back injury. It’s inflamed with a bulging disc just for added pizzazz. I, in my hard headedness, decided I was going to ignore it. Again. Because I’m an idiot. Yeeeeeeah, no. This time I had to go see someone. I can no longer lie flat on my back or my stomach (which is how I used to sleep). I can only sleep on my side now. I have trouble standing up if I have been sitting for too long, my lower back will spasm. It’s affected my life. I’m always tired because I don’t sleep for more than a 2-3 hours at a time, the pressure on my hip wakes me and I have to reposition to the other side. I’m always in pain. Always. I refuse to take narcotics. I have an addictive personality and I know that. I’ve struggled with alcohol before and I don’t trust myself. I’ve seen my spine patients. I’ve seen them go through withdrawal after surgery waiting for us to hang their opioid tolerant PCA. I don’t want that.

So the ortho-spine doc sent me to the pain clinic. She wants me to have an ablation where they burn the nerves in the inflamed area for longer lasting pain relief. Yay!

Except our hospital insurance is a hater. I can’t just go and have the ablation on both sides like we want. No. I have to go and have one side temporarily numbed up. Then schedule another appointment to have the other side numbed. Then schedule to have the ablation on the side that was first numbed up and then schedule another appointment to have the other side ablated. Four different procedures for one problem. Awesome. I’ve had the first numbing procedure and it helped… For a few weeks. They basically injected lidocaine into my back near the inflamed nerve. My back muscles spasmed so bad during the procedure that it moved the needle each time they inserted it, so it took multiple attempts and hurt like hell. The doctor told me it was the hardest one he had done and wrote me a prescription for a muscle relaxer. That was in October. I can’t get any of the other procedures until January because that’s the next opening they have. So I’m waiting on that. I’ve dealt with the pain this long what’s a few more months right? What I did not realize is how inflamed the nerves on that side would be once the numbing medicine wore off. Let’s add constant sciatic pain from the low back to the calf muscles to the party.

Fabulous. Another spine appointment, another med. I’ve gone from taking no prescription meds to taking baclofen and neurontin. Nothing hard core thank goodness but I don’t like being on meds. It could be much worse so I’m thankful that at least we have a plan in place to try and help me get better.

To all my chronic pain sufferers, I feel you. I understand your frustration. I get what you’re going through. You are stronger than you know. Don’t give up.

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Cuffing season

So I’m guessing cuffing season has begun? I have had two exes pop up out of the blue. Why? After months of not hearing a word from either of them they pop up wanting to communicate as if everything is fine. Let me guess, it got cold in that lonely bed? You figured since I’m single my bed was cold and lonely too? I guess you think some smiles and jokes will help win me over?

Let me help you out :

No.

Not today.

Not tomorrow.

Not again.

I’m good Satan. I’m good…

What about you?

I started blogging because I wanted to be able to say how I was really feeling without the fear of the face to face judgment. Some days are good. Some days are bad. Some days I have depression. Some days depression has me. I found that when I would try to talk to friends or family about how I was really feeling, I would either get religion thrown at me or my feelings would be invalidated.

It was annoying to say the least.

So I started a blog. I had not a single follower. I didn’t care. I used my blog as a diary. I still use it as a diary.

Blogging has helped me realize that I’m not the only one that has a down day. I’m not the only one that is overwhelmed. I wasn’t the only one in and out of love. I wasn’t alone. I’m glad I started blogging. I’m glad there are over 100 of you that follow this shenanigans.

So what about you, why do you blog?

Guest post: The “Incels” — nakednerves

Ladies, we all love them, men dedicate their entire lives pining for the attention and affections of these beautiful creatures. Sometimes, however, a woman will deny the advances of a male suiter and this will often leave that man feeling bad or used. Even less often than that, a man will feel so bad and […]

via The “Incels” — nakednerves

I’m afraid 

The world is making me afraid. So much hate, so much violence, it’s too much for me. 

I’m afraid to have a little black child because I know America will fear his/her skin and deem them a threat simply because they are brown. I am afraid to drive through certain towns because I know racism runs rampant there. I know that there are people that willingly hate me  and my kind for being “gay”, and would resort to violence of they thought they could get away with it. Hell, I’m afraid to go see “Black Panther” when it comes out because a theater full of black people makes a prime target for these emboldened sociopaths. 

The world had gotten so scary. It’s gotten so harsh. It’s gotten to be one tragedy after another. We are becoming numb to the loss of innocence. We are becoming numb to the loss of life. We are becoming numb to hatred. I don’t know what to do. 

Short hair, don’t care.

I have short hair. I have very short hair. I mean, I might have about an inch of growth on the top of my head.

selfie

Honestly, it’s only that long because I haven’t gone to the barber lately and it’s getting cold outside. I love having such short hair. However, other people seem not to love my having short hair as much as I do.

I have been asked so many times why I cut my hair (again) or when will I grow my hair back out. I have been asked whether or not I am going to wear wigs instead. I’ve been told that I look like a “dike” with short hair. I’ve been asked if I am trying to be a “stud”. I have been asked if I am afraid my hair won’t grow back.

I cut my hair because even though I am natural, I was not taking care of my hair when it was longer. My hair was so thick and time consuming that I almost always wore it in a “wash and go” style. Also, I cut my hair because I wanted a change. Hair this short is not something I had tried before. I am not afraid to try something new. It’s just hair. Contrary to popular belief, healthy black hair grows. Within a week of getting designs cut into my hair, you can barely see them because of new growth. I don’t care that people find my short hair “masculine”. I enjoy it. If I decide to grow my hair back out it will be because I feel like it.

I will never understand other people’s concern over my appearance. If I look like a dude to you, let me look like a dude. My short hair has no effect on your life. Stop projecting your ideas of what’s feminine on me. I’m good.

Bounce

Have you ever met a person that is never single? I mean, there may be a few weeks in between relationships but they always bounce to someone new.

HOW?

These people just constantly meet people and get into a whole entire relationship.  And it’s not like they are just dating. No. These people are moving in together after a month, engaged after three months, broken up in six months, and in a new relationship within a few weeks of the break-up.

Again, HOW?

I was going to ask “what am I doing wrong?” however, I realize that they can’t be doing it “right” if they are constantly bouncing from one relationship to another. Instead, I ask where the hell are they even meeting that many people to get into a relationship with? I can barely meet one person that I like at any given time. I have a hard time finding people that can keep my interest before they start asking when I’m going to “come through” or sending me unsolicited dick pics. Is there a special meeting place or something?