If you are honest with yourself are you angry or are you bitter? Are you holding on to something that hurt you? Are you holding on a situation that went wrong? Are you telling yourself you’re “just angry” or are you truly bitter?
There is nothing wrong with anger. Anger is a natural response to certain situations. However, holding on to this anger is where things go wrong. That anger slowly becomes bitterness. Bitterness destroys people. Bitterness causes you to take negative feelings associated with a prior situation and apply those feelings to every future related situation. Bitterness causes you to expect the worst from others. Bitterness causes you to retreat inward. It is an ineffective coping mechanism. Anger is a feeling but bitterness is a state of mind. I have been able to use anger to push me forward. Anger made me feel like I had something to prove to the person that hurt me. Anger helped me get my BSN. Bitterness has never helped me get anywhere.
I have been able to use anger to push me forward. Anger made me feel like I had something to prove to the person/people/situation that hurt me. Anger helped me get my BSN. Anger pushed me to find a better job. Anger made me walk away from a dying relationship. Bitterness has never helped me get anywhere.
Bitterness kept me single for a long time. I had faith in no one. Bitterness kept me inside of a self-imposed prison. Why venture out when things are just going to go wrong anyway? Bitterness kept me emotionally unstable. Bitterness didn’t push me forward, it held me back.
Step away from bitterness. Be angry. Be hurt. Be sad. Feel all that you need to feel. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling all of those “negative” emotions. You have to learn to ultimately let those emotions go.
I won’t be settling anymore.
For far too long I have been settling for “good enough” when it came to my life. Jobs, relationships, I have just been looking for good enough. I can’t do that anymore.
“Good enough” has not been good enough. It has kept me from growing, changing. It has kept me in a place that I should not be in. “Good enough” has not made me happy. It has made me settle for people that I should have never allowed into my life. “Good enough” has kept me from making the big move I want to make. “Good enough” has to go.
I cannot settle for less than what I am worth. I cannot settle for whats available. I deserve good things. I will get them.
So "she" called to tell me she loves me.
She did not call to tell me she is sorry for not being a part of our household.
She did not call to tell me she is sorry for not showing any sexual interest in me while we were together.
She did not call to tell me she is sorry for expecting all and giving nothing in return.
She did not call to admit that she used me.
She called to tell me she loves me, because saying you love someone is apparently good enough.
The call did not go well.
So my best friend is getting married this Saturday. I’m super excited about the wedding. I am not super excited about wearing a dress.
See, I am required to wear a dress by all of my friends because they know if they leave it to me I’ll pop up in jeans. Because of this, they all made the decision that me wearing a dress this time was mandatory.
I act like I have a great self image. I’m lying to everyone.
I am ashamed of my body. I have been for as long as I can remember. I’m at my heaviest at the moment but even at my skinniest I had low self esteem. I constantly compare myself to other women and I can always find reasons they are more beautiful than I am. I see my flaws, all of them. I see my acne scars. I see my stomach rolls. I see my arm fat. I see my stretch marks. I see my cellulite. I feel like I’m shaped like a block of velveeta cheese. So wearing a dress this Saturday is going to be weird. I’m going to feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me.
I just wish I had the body confidence that other people have. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see, regardless of size. I want to feel beautiful in whatever I decide to wear. I just want to be happy with who I am and how I look.
I need to learn to worry about my own comfort. Regardless of who I date, or who I am around, I tend to change myself to make my partner or friends comfortable. I need to stop doing that.
I am bisexual. I hid that for years because I didn’t want to make anyone else feel awkward. I am not really religious though I do believe in God. I also love collecting crystals and burning sage around my house. I hid that from anyone I dated because I didn’t want people to feel weird about it because they didn’t understand it. I have wanted my hair super short for years but didn’t cut it because my ex preferred me with hair or a weave. I wanted a nose ring but didn’t do it because my (ex) girlfriend didn’t like them. I have collected posters from going to Magfest three years in a row but didn’t put them up because I didn’t know how my partner would feel about anime/comic/gaming posters on the wall. I held off on the Sailor Moon tattoo I wanted because I didn’t know how to explain to other people why I would want permanent ink from an anime.
I spent a lot of time doing what I thought would make other people comfortable. I did not take the time to notice that no one really went out of their way to make me feel comfortable with all the odd things I liked. So I stopped giving a damn about other people’s comfort. My crystals and incense are out and on display in my living room. My posters are on my wall. My hair is as short as I want. My nose is now pierced. My sailor moon thigh sleeve has been started.
It’s my turn now. I don’t have to change for you, you have to accept me for who I am. Simple as that.
I am a woman. I am proud of this. I do not consider myself the “weaker gender”. I am strength and courage. I pride myself in that.
However, I no longer base my womanhood on how feminine I am. This is a change for me. It wasn’t a conscious change, one day I just realized feminine does not equal womanly and vice versa.
As a kid I was a “tomboy”. Covered in dirt, scratches, and bruises with the boys, that was me. As I hit adulthood I was told this or that wasn’t “lady like”. I needed to be softer, gentler. So I stopped embracing my “rough” side if that’s what you want to call it. I kept my hair long and relaxed because guys “prefer” long hair on girls. I started wearing makeup because that’s what grown women do. I tried to dress more feminine and “cute”. I tried to soften up. I tried to learn to bite my tongue. I became a “woman”. I place the word in quotes because I became what people said a woman should be. I was always a bit uncomfortable with the “woman” I had become. It wasn’t me but I kept at it.
And then I did something I thought was insignificant. I cut my hair. Not a little trim this time. I walked into a barber shop and cut it all off. I loved it. It was freeing. That’s when I started to notice a change in me. My womanhood was no longer based on how I looked. Strange right? A haircut shouldn’t really have that much power, but it did. See, the way I got my hair cut made me look a bit “dude-ish”. Without makeup and in my comfy clothes I started getting mistaken for a guy. I got called sir a few times actually. It didn’t bother me. In fact, I would answer with no correction of pronouns. Why? Because I realized I was a woman no matter how I looked and no matter what someone called me. I am a woman. Period. I am a woman because I say I am a woman. Makeup or no makeup. Long hair or short hair. High heels or sneakers. Skinny jeans or baggy clothes. I am still a woman. On the days I am feeling super feminine, I will rock a face full of makeup and strut in my heels with the best of them. On other days, I’m in a beenie and a Nintendo tee shirt hanging with my boys and fitting in flawlessly. I can be soft and gentle and rough around the edges. I’m still a woman. I am more comfortable with the woman I am now than I’ve ever been. Short hair, bare face, loud mouth and all.
With encouragement from my brother, I am trying something new. I have a second blog that’s going to be all nursing related. I even made a new twitter just for this second blog. Like, I am really putting in some effort into this. This is completely new to me. My brother has been building his brand for some time but this is not something I have really ever done. I have always wanted to do a nursing blog but just never really had the time or the patience. Well, I am out of school and I have the time. I am going to actually give this thing a shot.
So it looks like I am going to be a double blogger. This blog will stay active, stay weekly, and stay full of shenanigans and unwanted opinions. The second blog, BarelySaneNurse, will also be weekly. I am not one of those people that can blog daily. I am opinionated but good grief how do people have stuff to talk about everyday?
Anyhoo, let’s see how this goes.