Nekocon

So I got to go to Nekocon again this year.

For those of you that don’t know, Nekocon is an anime convention held in Hampton,VA the first weekend in November. It’s basically all things anime and super cool cosplay.

I loved it. I am an avid anime watcher so any excuse to be around other anime nerds I’ll take it! The con has rooms where they have different anime shows and movies playing throughout the day. I finally got to see “Summer Wars” from start to finish. I always caught the movie in the middle whenever it played on Toonami. I also got introduced to “Darling in the Franxx” which I like. I had heard negative things about it but so far, I’m hooked.

This is why I love going to conventions. I feel at home. I get to be around people of all ages who enjoy the same things I do. I don’t feel awkward or ashamed of my nerdiness when I’m at conventions. For just a few days, I get to get away from society’s ideas of what a 35 year old black woman should like.

Being in my mid 30’s, a woman of color, and still loving anime can be a bit lonely. I rarely, if ever, run into another woman of color that is my age and is also into gaming and anime. I can’t go on a girl’s night out and talk about the new episode of “My Hero Academia”. No one would know what the hell I was talking about!

That’s why conventions are important, at least to me. It’s the one time when I’m not the weird one. So I’m making myself a promise that next year I’m going to try and attend more conventions. No shame. I am who I am and I like what I like!

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Liar liar

Liar liar pants on fire!

You were made privy to a terrible situation perpetrated by someone you know and yet you deny you knew.

Liar liar pants on fire!

You said that you would not only speak to this person but you would make them apologize.

Liar liar pants on fire!

You said you spoke to them and they denied it but you know deep down it wasn’t a lie.

Liar liar pants on fire!

When you were asked about it again you refused to answer or return calls.

Liar liar pants on fire!

When the situation finally escalated beyond your control you tried to change the story around.

Liar liar pants on fire!

Now you try and spread TERRIBLE lies to cover your tracks and the tracks of the person you defended.

Liar liar pants on fire.

Now, you have no friends left but one and the few family members willing to believe your story.

Liar liar pants on fire!

Now you try to post your perfect life when we all know it’s slowly falling apart.

Liar liar pants on fire!

Now karma is after that ass and you don’t know what to do but keep up your facade that you’re “his queen” and he’s “your king”.

Liar liar pants on fire!

Hey, you may have lost the only friends that really tolerated your dramatic styling but you gained some family that is just like you. That’s got to count for something, right?

First steps

So I had my first neurology appointment.

I am not sure how I feel about it. So far MS has been not necessarily ruled out but there is a very low suspicion for it. I am happy about that because it was a big worry for me.

The Lyrica is helping. My nerve pain in my left leg is down from an 8/10 to anywhere from 2-4/10. I am at least able to function again. I have even gone out on a few walks without feeling like my leg was about to give out. Sounds small but that is super exciting to me. The pain is still rough by the end of the workday but nowhere near as bad as it used to be. I still limp sometimes, though. That bothers me because I can’t hide it. I don’t like my health problems being so… visible.

I have had an MRI of my brain, cervical, and lumbar spine. There are no lesions in my brain as far as the scan has shown. There are no vertebrae in my spine that are pressing against my nerves. My blood work is just fine.

Basically, we have no idea why I have constant nerve pain, weakness, numbness, burning, and tingling in my left leg and no clue why my right arm gets tingly and numb as well.

I still have an EMG coming up in a few months but for now, I know nothing about why I hurt. That is the most frustrating part. I just want to know what is wrong so we can figure out how to fix it. I want to be fully functional again. I want to be pain-free. I want to walk without a limp. I want to go jogging again.

I just want to be me again.

Afraid

I’m afraid.

I’ve been dealing with chronic nerve pain for over a year now. No one has been able to tell me why I have neuropathy. I’ve been on neurontin unsuccessfully. I’m now on Lyrica with moderate relief (I mean going from an 8/10 pain daily to a 4/10 is relief to me).

The neuropathy is spreading.

I now have numbness, tingling, and sometimes weakness in my arm. Nothing has changed. I haven’t gotten hurt. No new falls. Just new pain.

I want to know why.

Why do I hurt? Why do I feel tired all the time? Why do I trip over everything? Why do I feel weak when I wake up? Why do I feel like my spacial awareness is off? Why am I limping? Why can I hear the blood rushing in one ear? Why is it spreading?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I feel like I’m going crazy. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I feel like I have to be making this up. I feel like maybe I did something wrong to cause all of this. I feel like giving up.

Frustrated

I’m so frustrated. I have chronic pain. I have neuropathy in my left leg. I now have nerve pain in my right arm.

There’s no reason for either.

This is bullshit.

I am so tired of hurting. I’m tired of limping. I’m tired of tripping over things. I’m tired of almost falling. I’m tired of all of this.

I just want to be better. I want to be healthy. I want to jog like I used to. I want to not be tired all the time. I want to sleep through the night.

I just want to know what is wrong. How am I so unhealthy at an age that I shouldn’t be? I feel like I’m losing my mind! I’m so ready to not feel like this…

Little changes

I’m making little changes.

  • I stopped buying sodas and instead drink carbonated water with fruit or even a little crystal light flavor.
  • I stopped buying boxes of cookies and instead have the 100 calorie pack snacks.
  • I’ve started calorie counting. I’m not super strict on myself but I do use the My fitness pal app to track my daily caloric intake.
  • I walk a half mile from my car to work each day.
  • I only weigh myself once every week or two.
  • I’ve stopped beating myself up when the scale fluctuates.
  • I’ve stopped standing in the mirror and pointing out my flaws.
  • I’ve stopped looking to social media for the definition of beauty.

I’ve stopped trying to attain the “ideal” body and instead just want to be healthy. There is nothing wrong with me. I am learning that. I am not perfect but I am not bad. I’m me… And that’s just who I’m supposed to be.

It’s not over

Things aren’t going the way you would like (you had plans for the perfect future).

It’s not over.

You haven’t accomplished what you thought you would by this age ( I mean, why aren’t you a millionaire by now?!).

It’s not over.

You aren’t married yet while all of your friends are (and your family makes sure you are aware of that).

It’s not over.

You still haven’t finished school yet but it seems like all of your peers have.

It’s not over.

You still can’t come out to your family (not prepared for the “you’re going to Hell” speech).

It’s not over.

You haven’t been able to get pregnant.

It’s not over.

Your marriage of ten years just ended because of an affair.

It’s not over.

It seems like the world is just passing you by. It feels like you are stagnant. It feels like everyone else has their shit together except you. It feels like everything you hoped for in life has failed. It feels like you are a failure. It’s a dark and depressing time. It feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. It feels like your life is over. It’s not over!

Stop comparing your life to others. Your timeline is not their timeline. So what you’ve been in school four years because you can only afford to go part time. You’re still going dammit and that is something to celebrate. You’re still single? Okay, and? Take this time to learn to love and understand yourself and build yourself up. Your world doesn’t end because a relationship does. You are meant to do things on your own schedule. You will get there as long as you keep moving.

And that is where a lot of us fail. We stop moving.  Plan A, B, or C failed or we didn’t accomplish it in the time we thought we should so we just stop trying. We don’t move on to Plan D because why bother, right? The first three plans failed so there is no reason to keep going. Don’t let those thoughts get inside your head. Don’t let that defeatist attitude take over. You will get there as long as you keep going. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and if not, use your phone flashlight and light that bitch up yourself! You have value to add to this world and don’t you ever forget that!