Guest post: The “Incels” — nakednerves

Ladies, we all love them, men dedicate their entire lives pining for the attention and affections of these beautiful creatures. Sometimes, however, a woman will deny the advances of a male suiter and this will often leave that man feeling bad or used. Even less often than that, a man will feel so bad and […]

via The “Incels” — nakednerves

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Bounce

Have you ever met a person that is never single? I mean, there may be a few weeks in between relationships but they always bounce to someone new.

HOW?

These people just constantly meet people and get into a whole entire relationship.  And it’s not like they are just dating. No. These people are moving in together after a month, engaged after three months, broken up in six months, and in a new relationship within a few weeks of the break-up.

Again, HOW?

I was going to ask “what am I doing wrong?” however, I realize that they can’t be doing it “right” if they are constantly bouncing from one relationship to another. Instead, I ask where the hell are they even meeting that many people to get into a relationship with? I can barely meet one person that I like at any given time. I have a hard time finding people that can keep my interest before they start asking when I’m going to “come through” or sending me unsolicited dick pics. Is there a special meeting place or something?

 

 

Mental health matters

Dear Black America,

STOP TELLING PEOPLE TO JUST PRAY AWAY THEIR MENTAL ILLNESS!

That’s not how this works. You can’t just ignore mental illness. Telling someone to “pray harder” does not fix anything. Mental illness is real and you can’t just bury it. You are not helping. What you are doing is invalidating a real issue for this person. You are saying to them “your problem isn’t real. You’re just weak and suffering because you aren’t praying the right way. This is your fault.” You are blaming them for their mental illness. In fact, you are denying that they even have a mental illness. You are denying their feelings. You are denying their struggles. You are denying the suffering that they endure on a daily basis. Just because it’s not “real” for you does not mean it’s not real for them.

You can’t just pray depression away. Prayer doesn’t take the delusions away from a schizophrenic. Prayer does not keep someone from going manic. Prayer doesn’t take away the suicidal ideations.

Remember, faith without works is dead. Help, therapy, meds, that’s the “works” part of this. You can be the one to make or break this person. Learn about mental illness. Take the time to understand. Be empathetic. LISTEN.

 

Comfort

I need to learn to worry about my own comfort. Regardless of who I date, or who I am around, I tend to change myself to make my partner or friends comfortable. I need to stop doing that.

I am bisexual. I hid that for years because I didn’t want to make anyone else feel awkward. I am not really religious though I do believe in God. I also love collecting crystals and burning sage around my house. I hid that from anyone I dated because I didn’t want people to feel weird about it because they didn’t understand it. I have wanted my hair super short for years but didn’t cut it because my ex preferred me with hair or a weave. I wanted a nose ring but didn’t do it because my (ex) girlfriend didn’t like them. I have collected posters from going to Magfest three years in a row but didn’t put them up because I didn’t know how my partner would feel about anime/comic/gaming posters on the wall. I held off on the Sailor Moon tattoo I wanted because I didn’t know how to explain to other people why I would want permanent ink from an anime.

I spent a lot of time doing what I thought would make other people comfortable. I did not take the time to notice that no one really went out of their way to make me feel comfortable with all the odd things I liked. So I stopped giving a damn about other people’s comfort. My crystals and incense are out and on display in my living room. My posters are on my wall. My hair is as short as I want. My nose is now pierced. My sailor moon thigh sleeve has been started.

It’s my turn now. I don’t have to change for you, you have to accept me for who I am. Simple as that.

 

Dear weird black child (BEDA 29)

Dear weird black child,

There is nothing wrong with you. Do NOT let your blackness be defined by someone else. You do not belong in the box that other people, including OUR people, want to put you in to. There is nothing wrong with who you are. I have been there. I was that weird black kid and I turned into a weird black woman. I am proud of that.

I didn’t dress like everyone else. I wasn’t, and I am still not, label conscious. I didn’t really listen to rap music. I was super into anime (still into it now). I read manga. I was an undercover gamer. I was that weird black kid. I was made fun of. I was told that I “talk white”. I was told I wasn’t “black enough”. I was told I was weird. It took time but I embraced it. I am who I am and that is good enough for me.

You are who you are. Your blackness is in no way related to the things you enjoy. It’s ok for you to be more excited about the Looney Tunes Vans than the Yeezy season 2’s. It’s fine that you would rather watch soccer than basketball. Go ahead and participate in cosplay, you look GREAT! Sing along completely incorrectly to that Korean pop song, I’m in my car singing along too. You don’t know any of the rappers out right now? That’s ok, neither do I. You’re standing in line for a new game? Have fun and play hard! You know more about anime than reality television, you’re not alone (in fact most of the people I know don’t watch reality shows). There is absolutely nothing wrong you. There is nothing lacking about your “blackness”. You are who you are and you have no reason to be ashamed. Do not let others change how you feel about you. Be weird. Be true to who you are. You are not obligated to meet anyone else’s ideas of “how to be black”. There is no manual. There are no “blackness guidelines”. Your black does not have to match anyone else’s black. You are who you are meant to be.

Womanhood, misogyny, and why I’m not cooking for your ass. (BEDA 9)

This is a real thing, ladies. This is a real thing. This was one of the posts that let me know it was time to get off of Facebook.

Essentially, if you do anything for your own benefit, and not your partners’,  you do not deserve to be a wife. You are not womanly. You are not worthy. This picture started a heated debate on the person’s page that posted it. Men were all in his comment defending reducing women to the tasks that they are able to complete because “men like being cooked for ” and “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”. I know you just had to choke back your own vomit, it’s ok I had to as well when I saw it but let’s keep going. He defended it. When called on the microaggressions and misogyny, he denied that this was any of that. Apparently we were just reading too far into it. Men want to be cooked for and if you want a man then it is something you should do as a woman (no mention of reciprocation though). Even better, I shouldn’t have an opinion because I am gay and dating a woman (I am actually bisexual and date both men and women but whatever).

This is not the first meme I have seen like this. In fact, our black “men” (quotes around men because they really aren’t men at all) post memes bashing black women and their independence, their appearance, their very essence ALL THE TIME. Don’t believe me? Here’s a few:

Yep, dumb shit like this exists. Fight back the vomit! Fight it! I know it’s hard but stay with me ladies! After all of this, somehow we are still supposed to want to be all they want us to be. We should continue to mold ourselves to fit the list of things black “men” have decided a woman should be. Cook, clean, sit down, shut up, be docile. That is essentially the recipe for a good wife, at least in these fragile males eyes. Yeah, let’s just stop calling them men and go with males because that is what I am reducing them to, their sex… You know, like they reduce us to what we can do for them… These same males are often single and cannot understand why. They often have failed relationships in which the only fault they can see is in the woman they dated. They love to portray any black woman with an opinion as an “angry black woman”, regardless of whether there is any real anger. They often like to tell us that we are too sensitive. They pride themselves in pointing out every flaw in black women, flaw as in all the things we aren’t doing to exclusively make them happy. They feel our independence is what destroyed the black family. Yeah, you know that guy.

Luckily, I am surrounded by some wonderful real black men. Men that can proudly call themselves men. Men that do not give into the fragile masculinity that others are swimming in. Men that do not judge my worth by what I can do for them. Men that stand with me, not in front of me. I am blessed to know great men and I make sure they know it.

So ladies, surround yourself with great men. Raise great men. Love great men (if that’s your thing). Do not give in to the demands of fragile males. Teach you daughters how to differentiate between great men and the fragile males. Remain strong black women. Know that there are black men that love us, that see our struggle and thank us for it. Show these great men appreciation just as they show it to you. Let the fragile males play amongst themselves.

Great men, stay great. Do not succumb to fragile male societal views. Do not succumb to fragile male “women bashing”. Call these fragile males out on their bullshit, do not remain silent. Raise your sons to know greatness, not male fragility. Show your daughters what great men are really like. Know that we love you, and we see you!

Fragile males, please find the nearest highway and play in it. Get off the internet. Do no reproduce. Do not give your unwanted opinion. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

 

Forgiveness

I was taught to forgive. “Forgive and forget” they say. “Forgiveness helps you heal” they tell you. Nah, fuck that. Forgiveness is NOT for everyone and at NO POINT will I let anyone make me feel guilty. Sometimes I need to feel the anger. I need to acknowledge the pain. I have been lied to, cheated on, used, abused, hurt, abandoned… I have every right to FEEL!

People love to try and force the belief that forgiveness is the proper thing to do, the right thing to do, the only thing to do. Not always, not for everyone. For me, acknowledging that I was wronged feels like the right thing to do. Allowing myself to feel anger feels like the right thing to do. Accepting that you do not care how you have made me feel and I am allowed to hate you for that feels like the right thing to do. You may think I am allowing negativity to run me. I’m not. I am embracing my emotions, all of them. Negative emotions are still emotions and they should be allowed to happen as needed. It is a part of healthy self-care.

I almost feel like sometimes people rely on forgiveness because it is easier than accountability. It is easier to say “I forgive you” than to call someone out on their constant bullshit. Maybe people think it hurts less. We tell families that have had members killed to forgive the murderer.  We tell rape victims to forgive their attackers. We tell minorities to forgive people when they make racist statements. We tell women to forgive men when they make sexist comments. We tell wives and husbands to forgive their partners infidelity. We tell children to forgive their parents for mercilessly beating them. We tell gays to forgive Christians for constantly telling us we are going to hell. Forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive. NO! How about instead, we tell people to stop being assholes? How about we hold people accountable for their choices? How about we not make the victim feel worse by trying to guilt them into forgiveness? How about letting people deal with things in their own way? How about we acknowledge that forgiveness has a limit and it’s not a cure-all?

I  mean, how am I responsible for forgiving you but you are not responsible for changing your behavior or even apologizing for it? I should forgive you while you continue to do wrong ? You can miss me with all of that. I don’t hold grudges, there is no point. However, I feel no need to forgive you because you do not deserve it. I can move forward while also wishing you get four flat tires at the same time. I can take that anger and grief and use it as motivation to grow. Am I doing this to prove something to you? Don’t flatter yourself. I am doing this to help my self advance emotionally, that’s all. If you are looking for forgiveness, go to church… I have none for you.