Dear weird black child (BEDA 29)

Dear weird black child,

There is nothing wrong with you. Do NOT let your blackness be defined by someone else. You do not belong in the box that other people, including OUR people, want to put you in to. There is nothing wrong with who you are. I have been there. I was that weird black kid and I turned into a weird black woman. I am proud of that.

I didn’t dress like everyone else. I wasn’t, and I am still not, label conscious. I didn’t really listen to rap music. I was super into anime (still into it now). I read manga. I was an undercover gamer. I was that weird black kid. I was made fun of. I was told that I “talk white”. I was told I wasn’t “black enough”. I was told I was weird. It took time but I embraced it. I am who I am and that is good enough for me.

You are who you are. Your blackness is in no way related to the things you enjoy. It’s ok for you to be more excited about the Looney Tunes Vans than the Yeezy season 2’s. It’s fine that you would rather watch soccer than basketball. Go ahead and participate in cosplay, you look GREAT! Sing along completely incorrectly to that Korean pop song, I’m in my car singing along too. You don’t know any of the rappers out right now? That’s ok, neither do I. You’re standing in line for a new game? Have fun and play hard! You know more about anime than reality television, you’re not alone (in fact most of the people I know don’t watch reality shows). There is absolutely nothing wrong you. There is nothing lacking about your “blackness”. You are who you are and you have no reason to be ashamed. Do not let others change how you feel about you. Be weird. Be true to who you are. You are not obligated to meet anyone else’s ideas of “how to be black”. There is no manual. There are no “blackness guidelines”. Your black does not have to match anyone else’s black. You are who you are meant to be.

Womanhood, misogyny, and why I’m not cooking for your ass. (BEDA 9)

This is a real thing, ladies. This is a real thing. This was one of the posts that let me know it was time to get off of Facebook.

Essentially, if you do anything for your own benefit, and not your partners’,  you do not deserve to be a wife. You are not womanly. You are not worthy. This picture started a heated debate on the person’s page that posted it. Men were all in his comment defending reducing women to the tasks that they are able to complete because “men like being cooked for ” and “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”. I know you just had to choke back your own vomit, it’s ok I had to as well when I saw it but let’s keep going. He defended it. When called on the microaggressions and misogyny, he denied that this was any of that. Apparently we were just reading too far into it. Men want to be cooked for and if you want a man then it is something you should do as a woman (no mention of reciprocation though). Even better, I shouldn’t have an opinion because I am gay and dating a woman (I am actually bisexual and date both men and women but whatever).

This is not the first meme I have seen like this. In fact, our black “men” (quotes around men because they really aren’t men at all) post memes bashing black women and their independence, their appearance, their very essence ALL THE TIME. Don’t believe me? Here’s a few:

Yep, dumb shit like this exists. Fight back the vomit! Fight it! I know it’s hard but stay with me ladies! After all of this, somehow we are still supposed to want to be all they want us to be. We should continue to mold ourselves to fit the list of things black “men” have decided a woman should be. Cook, clean, sit down, shut up, be docile. That is essentially the recipe for a good wife, at least in these fragile males eyes. Yeah, let’s just stop calling them men and go with males because that is what I am reducing them to, their sex… You know, like they reduce us to what we can do for them… These same males are often single and cannot understand why. They often have failed relationships in which the only fault they can see is in the woman they dated. They love to portray any black woman with an opinion as an “angry black woman”, regardless of whether there is any real anger. They often like to tell us that we are too sensitive. They pride themselves in pointing out every flaw in black women, flaw as in all the things we aren’t doing to exclusively make them happy. They feel our independence is what destroyed the black family. Yeah, you know that guy.

Luckily, I am surrounded by some wonderful real black men. Men that can proudly call themselves men. Men that do not give into the fragile masculinity that others are swimming in. Men that do not judge my worth by what I can do for them. Men that stand with me, not in front of me. I am blessed to know great men and I make sure they know it.

So ladies, surround yourself with great men. Raise great men. Love great men (if that’s your thing). Do not give in to the demands of fragile males. Teach you daughters how to differentiate between great men and the fragile males. Remain strong black women. Know that there are black men that love us, that see our struggle and thank us for it. Show these great men appreciation just as they show it to you. Let the fragile males play amongst themselves.

Great men, stay great. Do not succumb to fragile male societal views. Do not succumb to fragile male “women bashing”. Call these fragile males out on their bullshit, do not remain silent. Raise your sons to know greatness, not male fragility. Show your daughters what great men are really like. Know that we love you, and we see you!

Fragile males, please find the nearest highway and play in it. Get off the internet. Do no reproduce. Do not give your unwanted opinion. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

 

Forgiveness

I was taught to forgive. “Forgive and forget” they say. “Forgiveness helps you heal” they tell you. Nah, fuck that. Forgiveness is NOT for everyone and at NO POINT will I let anyone make me feel guilty. Sometimes I need to feel the anger. I need to acknowledge the pain. I have been lied to, cheated on, used, abused, hurt, abandoned… I have every right to FEEL!

People love to try and force the belief that forgiveness is the proper thing to do, the right thing to do, the only thing to do. Not always, not for everyone. For me, acknowledging that I was wronged feels like the right thing to do. Allowing myself to feel anger feels like the right thing to do. Accepting that you do not care how you have made me feel and I am allowed to hate you for that feels like the right thing to do. You may think I am allowing negativity to run me. I’m not. I am embracing my emotions, all of them. Negative emotions are still emotions and they should be allowed to happen as needed. It is a part of healthy self-care.

I almost feel like sometimes people rely on forgiveness because it is easier than accountability. It is easier to say “I forgive you” than to call someone out on their constant bullshit. Maybe people think it hurts less. We tell families that have had members killed to forgive the murderer.  We tell rape victims to forgive their attackers. We tell minorities to forgive people when they make racist statements. We tell women to forgive men when they make sexist comments. We tell wives and husbands to forgive their partners infidelity. We tell children to forgive their parents for mercilessly beating them. We tell gays to forgive Christians for constantly telling us we are going to hell. Forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive. NO! How about instead, we tell people to stop being assholes? How about we hold people accountable for their choices? How about we not make the victim feel worse by trying to guilt them into forgiveness? How about letting people deal with things in their own way? How about we acknowledge that forgiveness has a limit and it’s not a cure-all?

I  mean, how am I responsible for forgiving you but you are not responsible for changing your behavior or even apologizing for it? I should forgive you while you continue to do wrong ? You can miss me with all of that. I don’t hold grudges, there is no point. However, I feel no need to forgive you because you do not deserve it. I can move forward while also wishing you get four flat tires at the same time. I can take that anger and grief and use it as motivation to grow. Am I doing this to prove something to you? Don’t flatter yourself. I am doing this to help my self advance emotionally, that’s all. If you are looking for forgiveness, go to church… I have none for you.

Words

“My word is my bond”… Does that mean anything now? Do people still stay true to their word? Some people, yes. However I am finding that more and more people say whatever they think needs to be said at the time to get a desirable outcome. People no longer put meaning behind their words. Inconsistency is the new norm. Making excuses is the new answer. When did things change? When did it become ok to no longer follow through? Who is sitting back and accepting this behavior? How do people get to a point where they assume, in all seriousness, that we will let them behave this way? Do these people not realize some of us still believe in following through? I am not the only one noticing this. Many people that I talk to have been dealing with the same thing. People saying one thing and doing another. People lying with a straight face. People giving the most ridiculous of excuses to justify their behavior. What’s worse is the fact that the moment we decide we refuse to deal with it any longer, we are wrong. We are bitches, stuck up, jerks, etc. No, we aren’t. What we are is FED UP. Not holding true to the words you tell me shows me you don’t have respect for me. You don’t believe I deserve truth. No, honey. What I don’t deserve are those lies and that foolishness. It doesn’t just apply to relationships. How many people are no longer close to family members because they know everything they say is false? How many people have quit a job because their boss made constant promises you knew they would never keep? How many of us are disillusioned with the government because we know each party is a party based on lies? It’s becoming an epidemic. I do believe there is a cure. We can stop the spread of falseness. How? Point it out and put these people in their place. No longer except the excuses. Call someone out the moment you hear that lie. Make it known when they don’t follow through. Walk away if they don’t change. There is no need to allow such negativity and stress in your life. These are those life suckers I’ve mentioned before. They deserve nothing but to see the back of you as you walk away.