It’s settled

It’s settled.

I won’t be settling anymore.

For far too long I have been settling for “good enough” when it came to my life. Jobs, relationships, I have just been looking for good enough. I can’t do that anymore.

“Good enough” has not been good enough. It has kept me from growing, changing. It has kept me in a place that I should not be in. “Good enough” has not made me happy. It has made me settle for people that I should have never allowed into my life. “Good enough” has kept me from making the big move I want to make. “Good enough” has to go.

I cannot settle for less than what I am worth. I cannot settle for whats available. I deserve good things. I will get them.

The call

So "she" called to tell me she loves me.

She did not call to tell me she is sorry for not being a part of our household.

She did not call to tell me she is sorry for not showing any sexual interest in me while we were together.

She did not call to tell me she is sorry for expecting all and giving nothing in return.

She did not call to admit that she used me.

She called to tell me she loves me, because saying you love someone is apparently good enough.

The call did not go well.

I’ll get better, I promise.

I have a problem. I know where it comes from, I’ve simply chosen not to do anything about it. I shut down. Like, I completely turn off mentally. While I am a full believer in communication being the best way to solve problems with someone, I shut down almost every time I get into an argument. I get to a point where I just refuse to participate in the argument anymore but rarely get to a conclusion. It is a terrible coping mechanism that I have developed for dealing with emotions I don’t like.

I am certain it started with my mom getting sick. I didn’t know how to deal with her cancer, the toll it took on her body, or her inevitable death, so I just didn’t deal with those feelings at all. It worked. So, I continued with this method of emotional sabotage. Don’t like that feeling? Don’t feel it, put it away. That has been me for the past 17 years.

Ultimately I ended up in relationships with people that were either, A: easy to walk over, or B: emotionally unavailable so we rarely talked about feelings anyway. If we did argue, it was brutal, physically and emotionally. I learned how to become verbally venomous to shut down the argument. Date, fall in love, realize it wasn’t healthy, leave. Repeat. Throw in two engagements and you have pretty much got my love live for the last decade or more. It wasn’t my fault, it was the fault of everyone else… Just leave me the hell alone and it  won’t be a problem. This thought process allowed me to stay in my own comfortable, but terribly damaging, frame of mind.

And then I decided to date a damn female… A female with emotions that she wasn’t afraid of sharing. A female that expressed her feelings and expected me to do the same. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK???

You want me to talk to you? You want to actually finish this argument? You want to discuss this until we reach some kind of conclusion? You don’t think my walking away mid argument is an appropriate strategy? You want me to listen to how I made you feel? My venomous words actually do hurt you?  I need to understand that it’s not ok to use harmful words in an argument so it stops? I need to acknowledge the fact that my ability to slice through someone verbally is not a skill to be proud of? I need to call myself out on my bullshit? I haven’t dealt with emotions in YEARS and now you want me to? I don’t know what to do with this! I don’t want to do this!

You’re talking about self examination, acknowledgment, conflict resolution. You want me to do all those things I have to do at work, but with you. You want me to change what is easy but non functional in the long term. You want me to grow. You are trying to pull me out of my emotional comfort zone. You want me to understand that communication means I have to express myself as well without flipping the fuck out. You want us to have a healthy relationship.

Ok. Ok, so you are trying to do a good thing. I mean, at some point I was going to have to address this anyway right? I can’t tell everyone else to communicate and not follow my own advice. I can’t expect to have a lasting relationship with the way I am handling things right now. Fine. I’ll work on getting my shit together. Understand that this will be a long, painful, frustrating process. Know that I am going to want to fall back into old habits. Know that this venomous tongue is going to take some time to tame. Also know that I am trying. I’ll get better, I promise.

Perfect fit

Have you ever met someone that fits in a little *too* well with whomever they are around? Not the person that is comfortable in different social situations. That is actually how I tend to see myself. Nor am I referring to that person that is just friendly with the people they meet. I am talking about the person that is always involved in every conversation that goes on near them. They know everything about every situation, involving everybody. They can just join into every conversation and gossip about someone *with* someone they have just met.  They have to be involved in everything. These people fit in with every crowd because they know how to change faces. These are the type of people I don’t trust.

You really have to watch how you handle yourself around thesm. Just know that the false smile that you watch them put on for every person they meet is probably the same false smile they put on for you. When they come to you with the gossip they have learned from their “new” friends, remember that they will be taking your secrets back with them. That perfect fit friend may not be perfect for you.

Just accept it

Social media really is a trip sometimes. I see all of these quote pictures that perpetuate the idea that having a horrible attitude is just something your potential spouse has to accept. Pictures or memes that brag about being bipolar, spoiled, starting arguments for no reason, being super jealous, crazy, ridiculously clingy, needy… These are the things that I see females, often SINGLE, constantly repost.

You ladies do realize that at no point are these attrtactive traits for someone to have that you plan on spending your life with? Who wants to deal with a spoiled brat everyday for the rest of their lives? Who wants to pick up their phone and see a stupid argument in the making yet again? Who wants to come home to never knowing if it’s going to be a good day or a bad day, depending on your bipolar ass attitude? Who wants someone that wants to be up under them ALL THE TIME? Who wants someone who is constanly needy?

What makes you think someone is just supposed to accept all of these horrible traits that you pride yourself on, just because social media told you that being a douche is ok? Perhaps these traits you are bragging about are the exact reason why you are single. Have you ever stopped to think, “hmm, everyone I date complains about my attitude. I wonder if it is me?” No, you probably haven’t, which explains a lot. Don’t let these “quotationships” get you caught up. Social media isn’t real. Those perfect couples are just pictures. Reevaulate, hun…

For you or for me?

Have you ever reached a point in life where you realize you are living for other people and not yourself? I think that is where I am right now. I haven’t been living for me because I have been so afraid of being judged. I am the good daughter. The respectful daughter. The professional daughter. I am supposed to get married to a good Christian man, have 2.5 children, buy a house, put up my white picket fence, get a dog, and live the “good” life. And that’s what I have been trying to do, strive for the life I am *supposed* to have. What if the life I am supposed to have isn’t the life I want? I mean, I do want to get married. I want the house. I thought I wanted children but the more I think about it, the more it scares me. But what I wonder most is this; do I continue to “love” who they want me to love or who I want to love?

The lost art of communication: from”WYD?” to d*ck pics

When did we stop communicating with one another? It seems like people no longer know how to hold a conversation. People are almost uncomfortable with talking to each other now. It’s disappointing. I am a conversationalist. I want to talk. Let’s talk about politics, religion, space, gaming, anime, cartoons, music, the universe, goals, life, SOMETHING! People nowadays bypass the “talking” stage and are immediately trying to get whatever they think they can get from you. Conversation currently consists of the following:

“Wyd?”

“Send me a pic.”

“When you gone come see me?”

“Come thru”

“Oh, ok”

*RANDOM UNSOLICITED DICK PIC*

SERIOUSLY???? How about getting to know someone? Why is it so easy to send a pic of your genitals, that NO ONE asked for, but it’s too hard for you to converse with that same person? Like, how are you bold enough to show me parts of your body I never asked to see but you can only text “wyd?” and “oh,ok.”? What part of the mind tells someone this is normal? Did I miss something? Is this a generational thing? Are conversations a thing of the past now? NO. No, I refuse to believe that this is the new norm. The conversationalists are still out there. You’re going to have to wade knee deep in the “wyd’s” and dick pics but dammit, we are still out there!