Two decades

Two decades. 20 years.

This year marks the 20th year without my mother… The center of my whole being.

I tried to ignore it. I tried to continue to push the pain out of my head and heart. I tried to continue to not feel anything.

I finally broke.

I hit a deep, dark mental state.

Depression. Suicidal thoughts. I have been ready to give up for a long time. I tried to be positive. I tried to find happiness in life. I found emptiness.

With a lot of encouragement I finally sought help. I’m in therapy now. I’m being forced to confront all the things I’ve been running away from.

It hard.

I can’t explain how much pain I am in. I can’t explain the loss I feel. I don’t know how to put the hurt I feel into words. I somehow made myself believe if I grieved then I’m admitting she’s gone. If I admit she’s gone then it’s real, as if seeing her name on a grave marker isn’t real enough.

It’s deep. It hits in the very depth of my soul.

And that’s okay.

I have to allow myself to hurt. I have to allow myself to grieve. I have to allow myself to feel all the emotions that come with losing someone you love so dearly.

My therapist told me that the pain is nothing to be ashamed of. The pain is a reflection of just how much I loved her. I’m allowed to feel the pain of her loss AND the joy of having her in my life. Joy and pain are not mutually exclusive.

I never thought of it that way. Either I was supposed to hurt or I was supposed to be happy. In my mind I wasn’t allowed to feel joy and pain together. So I just didn’t feel at all.

I don’t want to live like that anymore. I can’t.

So I’m making an effort to heal. I’m trying to reconnect with my sisters and actually have a relationship with them again. I’m going to see my aunt again, I distanced myself from her because she looks so much like my my mother. I need to let myself have a family again. I need to feel their love and hers. I need to allow myself to feel love, period.

It’s time to move forward. 20 years is long enough…