I am childless. It was originally not by choice. I have PCOS. It’s a condition that has made it all but impossible for me to get pregnant naturally (trust me I tried).
When I first learned about my diagnosis I was 19 and devastated. I’m a woman. My reason for existing is to be a mother, to give birth, to start a family! That’s what woman do!
Or so I thought.
I watched everyone around me get pregnant, have children, be happy. I was so depressed and jealous. I wanted desperately to have children like a real woman. That’s what society taught me. My purpose as a woman was to be a mother. Being infertile made me feel like less of a woman. It hurt. It hurt so much feeling like I failed at womanhood.
Then I grew up. Emotionally. I began thinking about motherhood. I began thinking about how I felt about motherhood. I began thinking about how I would be as a mother. I realized I am not mother material. I am not maternal. I don’t have the patience for children. I don’t get “baby fever” when I see infants. They’re cute but once they cry I’m giving them back with the quickness! Honestly, I don’t actually like kids. I wanted kids because I was supposed to want kids. Coming to this realization was so uplifting for me. It’s sounds strange but coming to the realization that I didn’t want children, society wanted them for me took so much weight off. My womanhood was no longer bound to my uterus. My womanhood was no longer bound to my inability to produce another human. I am a woman regardless of what my body can or can’t do. I’m a lot happier now.
People listen to me say I don’t want children and still try to invalidate my feelings by telling me things like “just wait until you meet the right person” or “you say that now but just wait until that biological clock starts ticking”. Not wanting children is not abnormal. I have nothing to be ashamed of. You can’t talk me into wanting kids because you think it’s what I’m supposed to do. I’m childless. I’m happy. Respect that.
For the past several months I have been dealing with chronic pain. An old back injury had turned into new constant battle.
I pulled my back several years ago. I’m a nurse, I’m hard headed. I simply took some meds, a little heat, some rest, call it a day. I never got it checked out.
I regret that.
Pulling on unconscious trauma patients has aggravated that old back injury. It’s inflamed with a bulging disc just for added pizzazz. I, in my hard headedness, decided I was going to ignore it. Again. Because I’m an idiot. Yeeeeeeah, no. This time I had to go see someone. I can no longer lie flat on my back or my stomach (which is how I used to sleep). I can only sleep on my side now. I have trouble standing up if I have been sitting for too long, my lower back will spasm. It’s affected my life. I’m always tired because I don’t sleep for more than a 2-3 hours at a time, the pressure on my hip wakes me and I have to reposition to the other side. I’m always in pain. Always. I refuse to take narcotics. I have an addictive personality and I know that. I’ve struggled with alcohol before and I don’t trust myself. I’ve seen my spine patients. I’ve seen them go through withdrawal after surgery waiting for us to hang their opioid tolerant PCA. I don’t want that.
So the ortho-spine doc sent me to the pain clinic. She wants me to have an ablation where they burn the nerves in the inflamed area for longer lasting pain relief. Yay!
Except our hospital insurance is a hater. I can’t just go and have the ablation on both sides like we want. No. I have to go and have one side temporarily numbed up. Then schedule another appointment to have the other side numbed. Then schedule to have the ablation on the side that was first numbed up and then schedule another appointment to have the other side ablated. Four different procedures for one problem. Awesome. I’ve had the first numbing procedure and it helped… For a few weeks. They basically injected lidocaine into my back near the inflamed nerve. My back muscles spasmed so bad during the procedure that it moved the needle each time they inserted it, so it took multiple attempts and hurt like hell. The doctor told me it was the hardest one he had done and wrote me a prescription for a muscle relaxer. That was in October. I can’t get any of the other procedures until January because that’s the next opening they have. So I’m waiting on that. I’ve dealt with the pain this long what’s a few more months right? What I did not realize is how inflamed the nerves on that side would be once the numbing medicine wore off. Let’s add constant sciatic pain from the low back to the calf muscles to the party.
Fabulous. Another spine appointment, another med. I’ve gone from taking no prescription meds to taking baclofen and neurontin. Nothing hard core thank goodness but I don’t like being on meds. It could be much worse so I’m thankful that at least we have a plan in place to try and help me get better.
To all my chronic pain sufferers, I feel you. I understand your frustration. I get what you’re going through. You are stronger than you know. Don’t give up.
So I’m guessing cuffing season has begun? I have had two exes pop up out of the blue. Why? After months of not hearing a word from either of them they pop up wanting to communicate as if everything is fine. Let me guess, it got cold in that lonely bed? You figured since I’m single my bed was cold and lonely too? I guess you think some smiles and jokes will help win me over?
Let me help you out :
I’m good Satan. I’m good…
The world is making me afraid. So much hate, so much violence, it’s too much for me.
I’m afraid to have a little black child because I know America will fear his/her skin and deem them a threat simply because they are brown. I am afraid to drive through certain towns because I know racism runs rampant there. I know that there are people that willingly hate me and my kind for being “gay”, and would resort to violence of they thought they could get away with it. Hell, I’m afraid to go see “Black Panther” when it comes out because a theater full of black people makes a prime target for these emboldened sociopaths.
The world had gotten so scary. It’s gotten so harsh. It’s gotten to be one tragedy after another. We are becoming numb to the loss of innocence. We are becoming numb to the loss of life. We are becoming numb to hatred. I don’t know what to do.
Have you ever met a person that is never single? I mean, there may be a few weeks in between relationships but they always bounce to someone new.
These people just constantly meet people and get into a whole entire relationship. And it’s not like they are just dating. No. These people are moving in together after a month, engaged after three months, broken up in six months, and in a new relationship within a few weeks of the break-up.
I was going to ask “what am I doing wrong?” however, I realize that they can’t be doing it “right” if they are constantly bouncing from one relationship to another. Instead, I ask where the hell are they even meeting that many people to get into a relationship with? I can barely meet one person that I like at any given time. I have a hard time finding people that can keep my interest before they start asking when I’m going to “come through” or sending me unsolicited dick pics. Is there a special meeting place or something?
I’m over saturated. The news, social media, all of it is all just a bit too much for me. The state of the world is making me anxious. I keep internalizing all of the negativity going on. I can’t watch the news anymore. I never want to reopen my Facebook page. I can only be on Twitter for short amounts of time. I am even pulling away from Instagram. There is just so much hatefulness out there. I feel like there is almost too much information available. I am leaning more on face to face time with friends and just writing in my journal to help me de-stress. I’ve taken to aromatherapy and meditation as ways to help calm me. I have to pull away and save my sanity.
Is it just me? Am I just being dramatic?
I cleaned house. Emotionally and literally. I took the time to give the house the top to bottom scrubbing it needed. A few hours and some of the most ratchet music I could find was all it took. After cleaning the house I lit incense and let the scent fill the whole house.
I went further than that.
I threw out anything left from my last relationship. I found teddy bears, pics, other small things that reminded me of her… And him. If you have been following this blog then you know that before her I was engaged to him. Neither relationship ended well. I still had things that reminded me of both of them.
So I tossed everything. Anything that belonged to them. Anything that was given to me by them, and it wasn’t much, is gone now.
I feel better. I feel lighter. It sounds so stupid when I say it out loud but cleaning really did help. More than the physical cleaning, the spiritual cleaning really took weight off of me. I’m going to spiritually cleanse more often.