I’m afraid 

The world is making me afraid. So much hate, so much violence, it’s too much for me. 

I’m afraid to have a little black child because I know America will fear his/her skin and deem them a threat simply because they are brown. I am afraid to drive through certain towns because I know racism runs rampant there. I know that there are people that willingly hate me  and my kind for being “gay”, and would resort to violence of they thought they could get away with it. Hell, I’m afraid to go see “Black Panther” when it comes out because a theater full of black people makes a prime target for these emboldened sociopaths. 

The world had gotten so scary. It’s gotten so harsh. It’s gotten to be one tragedy after another. We are becoming numb to the loss of innocence. We are becoming numb to the loss of life. We are becoming numb to hatred. I don’t know what to do. 

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Bounce

Have you ever met a person that is never single? I mean, there may be a few weeks in between relationships but they always bounce to someone new.

HOW?

These people just constantly meet people and get into a whole entire relationship.  And it’s not like they are just dating. No. These people are moving in together after a month, engaged after three months, broken up in six months, and in a new relationship within a few weeks of the break-up.

Again, HOW?

I was going to ask “what am I doing wrong?” however, I realize that they can’t be doing it “right” if they are constantly bouncing from one relationship to another. Instead, I ask where the hell are they even meeting that many people to get into a relationship with? I can barely meet one person that I like at any given time. I have a hard time finding people that can keep my interest before they start asking when I’m going to “come through” or sending me unsolicited dick pics. Is there a special meeting place or something?

 

 

Over saturated

I’m over saturated. The news, social media, all of it is all just a bit too much for me. The state of the world is making me anxious. I keep internalizing all of the negativity going on. I can’t watch the news anymore. I never want to reopen my Facebook page. I can only be on Twitter for short amounts of time. I am even pulling away from Instagram. There is just so much hatefulness out there. I feel like there is almost too much information available. I am leaning more on face to face time with friends and just writing in my journal to help me de-stress. I’ve taken to aromatherapy and meditation as ways to help calm me. I have to pull away and save my sanity. 

Is it just me? Am I just being dramatic? 

Cleaning house

I cleaned house. Emotionally and literally. I took the time to give the house the top to bottom scrubbing it needed. A few hours and some of the most ratchet music I could find was all it took. After cleaning the house I lit incense and let the scent fill the whole house.

I went further than that.

I threw out anything left from my last relationship. I found teddy bears, pics, other small things that reminded me of her… And him. If you have been following this blog then you know that before her I was engaged to him. Neither relationship ended well. I still had things that reminded me of both of them.

So I tossed everything. Anything that belonged to them. Anything that was given to me by them, and it wasn’t much, is gone now.

I feel better. I feel lighter. It sounds so stupid when I say it out loud but cleaning really did help. More than the physical cleaning, the spiritual cleaning really took weight off of me. I’m going to spiritually cleanse more often.

Those dark days

I’ve been having more and more of those dark days. I’ve been spending more and more time alone. I’ve been spending more of my days off sleeping. I either have no appetite or I gorge. I’m just not in the best place.

That’s the thing with depression. It never really goes completely away so much as it lies dormant and re-emerges when you’re most vulnerable. I hate to admit it but the break up hit me hard. It was hard to lose not only a girlfriend of over a year but also a friend of 8 years. It sucked and still does suck. I know that the pain of losing my relationship is playing a big role in me sliding down into the pit.

I am proud of myself though. Years ago I would see myself sliding into the depression pit and do nothing to stop the downward spiral. Now I see the slide and I start taking measures to put the brakes on that downward spiral. I start focusing on self care and it’s that time again. I have 13 days off starting tomorrow. I am going to celebrate my birthday with my best friends. I’m going to write in my journal each day for the whole break so I can express my feelings. I am going to meditate like I used to. I’m going to jog by the river which I love. I’m going to go to SC to see my sisters and my over abundance of nieces and nephews. I’m going to do the things that I know lift my spirit. If I need to have a therapy session or two then I’ll do that as well. I am going to do whatever I need to do to limit the dark days. I have depression, depression does not have me.

Are you bitter?

If you are honest with yourself are you angry or are you bitter? Are you holding on to something that hurt you? Are you holding on a situation that went wrong? Are you telling yourself you’re “just angry” or are you truly bitter?

There is nothing wrong with anger. Anger is a natural response to certain situations. However, holding on to this anger is where things go wrong. That anger slowly becomes bitterness. Bitterness destroys people. Bitterness causes you to take negative feelings associated with a prior situation and apply those feelings to every future related situation.  Bitterness causes you to expect the worst from others. Bitterness causes you to retreat inward. It is an ineffective coping mechanism. Anger is a feeling but bitterness is a state of mind. I have been able to use anger to push me forward. Anger made me feel like I had something to prove to the person that hurt me. Anger helped me get my BSN. Bitterness has never helped me get anywhere.

I have been able to use anger to push me forward. Anger made me feel like I had something to prove to the person/people/situation that hurt me. Anger helped me get my BSN. Anger pushed me to find a better job. Anger made me walk away from a dying relationship. Bitterness has never helped me get anywhere.

Bitterness kept me single for a long time. I had faith in no one. Bitterness kept me inside of a self-imposed prison. Why venture out when things are just going to go wrong anyway? Bitterness kept me emotionally unstable. Bitterness didn’t push me forward, it held me back.

Step away from bitterness. Be angry. Be hurt. Be sad. Feel all that you need to feel. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling all of those “negative” emotions. You have to learn to ultimately let those emotions go.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s settled

It’s settled.

I won’t be settling anymore.

For far too long I have been settling for “good enough” when it came to my life. Jobs, relationships, I have just been looking for good enough. I can’t do that anymore.

“Good enough” has not been good enough. It has kept me from growing, changing. It has kept me in a place that I should not be in. “Good enough” has not made me happy. It has made me settle for people that I should have never allowed into my life. “Good enough” has kept me from making the big move I want to make. “Good enough” has to go.

I cannot settle for less than what I am worth. I cannot settle for whats available. I deserve good things. I will get them.