Tired

I

Am

So

Tired

Of

The

Innocent

Loss

Of

Life

To

Gun

Violence

When does it end? How many more have to die? It’s unbearable.

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Dear knees…

Dear knees,

Calm it the fuck down.

I know I’m walking a lot more now that I work closer to home. That’s a good thing. It’s exercise. We need this.

All the creaking, cracking, and bitching you’re doing is COMPLETELY unnecessary.

We aren’t old. We’re fat, yes, but not old. There is no reason for you to be acting this way. Just go with it. I’m going to keep walking either way so make it easy knees and get with the program!

Loc journey

I decided I wanted to loc my hair a while ago. I kept trying to find loctitians to do it but kept getting the same response, I needed “at least two inches of hair” to start locs. However, I knew my hair would loc with the length I had. I have 4c hair. It’s THICK! Super thick. Like, comb breaking thick. I love it but if I leave it alone long enough it will loc/mat on its own anyway.

I’m not patient enough to wait on the back and sides of my hair to meet up with the top. I used to keep my hair in a very low cut so my hair wasn’t even. At this point the top of my hair was two inches but the sides were an inch to maybe an inch and a half. I started growing frustrated. I just wanted my hair done, that’s it.

So a month ago that’s what I did. I sat down and two-strand twisted my hair. It took me hours to detangle and twist my hair, but I did it. Fast forward a month and my hair is already starting to loc. I’ve already washed and retwisted my hair once without a problem. I will say that the row closest to the nape of my neck wanted to be an asshole and try to sort of unravel. That would be the shortest part of my hair so I’m not surprised. I’ve figured out how to get that area to finally hold.

I am starting my locs differently this time. No wax. Good gravy no wax! That stuff left so much build up in my hair the last time I loc’d that I refuse to ever use it again. I’m using a locing gel which has been working well. I’m keeping my scalp clean and well oiled. I’m making sure I sleep in my satin bonnet to help hold in moisture. I’m taking responsibility for my hair this time around.

So, the journey has begun.

Well hello

I’ve got exes coming out of the woodwork.

I wonder if they can smell my happiness with the single life?

I’ve had to curse out one of my exes. They showed me that they are still self centered and ungrateful. One was surprised that even though I was talking to him I was still entertaining others. I’m single so I can do what I want. One seems to want that old thing back (we broke up mutually and have no ill feelings towards each other). Then I decided to post a picture of myself in a dress and another ex decided to slide right in to my DMs.

Where are all of y’all coming from?!

Why now? It’s been years since I have spoken to most of them and yet here they are. I know this is a test. I’m being tested to see if I’m weak enough to fall back into the very thing that I left.

I’m not.

Take that universe.

I’m strong enough to know that I left each of these relationships for a reason. I’m not going back to anyone without very visible and tangible change. I do want love but I want love that is healthy and lasting. So I’m just going to wait this out and continue to do my own thing.

I’m good universe… I’m good.

Bittersweet

Tonight is my last shift as a trauma nurse. It’s bittersweet.

I’m excited about starting the new position but I am really going to miss my coworkers. I can say I worked with a great group of people. I know that is something not a lot of people get to say yet I have the privilege of saying it. The nightshift crew was a special breed. I think it had to do with the fact that most of the time we really only had each other to rely on. There is no management at night. No secretary, often times no tech, no leadership besides the charge nurse. It was us… We made it work. The teamwork was amazing and that is something I can say is not always common (the teamwork at my last job was horrible).

Honestly, if the commute wasn’t so long I probably wouldn’t be leaving. However, I’ve been lucky enough to get a position in a hospital within walking distance of my house and going from an 1.5 hour commute to a 15 min walk is going to be amazing.

But I’m nervous.

I’m going from what I’m used to into something a little less familiar for me. It’s still nursing but not bedside, which is what I’ve been doing for 8 years. There is a part of me that wants to just stick with the status quo since it’s the easiest thing to do. I know not to listen to that part though. That part of me is afraid of change. That part of me will keep me from progressing.

Here’s to the start of something new… 🥂

Changes

There have been a lot of changes happening in my life. Career, mental health, life in general. I’ve noticed that when I stop trying to avoid change and instead embrace it things tend to turn out positive.

I have a bad habit of trying to plan every little aspect of my life. I keep trying to make things go down this path I have created in my mind. That mental path had no twists, no turns. It’s straight from point A to point B.

It’s completely unrealistic.

Life is rarely linear. There is no straight line when it comes to life. I get frustrated because I see where I am and where I want to be and tell myself it’ll be a straight shot. It never is. There is always a detour along that path. There is always something that changes the path as I am walking along. Things go left here, right there. Those twists and turns help to build me into who I am. I realize I am better as a person when I finally reach point B thanks to all the things I encountered when leaving point A.

I want my first response to change to be excitement instead of fear. I need to be ready for all the stops along the path. I need to understand that those stops, turns, roadblocks are all a part of getting there.

Childless

I am childless. It was originally not by choice. I have PCOS. It’s a condition that has made it all but impossible for me to get pregnant naturally (trust me I tried).

When I first learned about my diagnosis I was 19 and devastated. I’m a woman. My reason for existing is to be a mother, to give birth, to start a family! That’s what woman do!

Or so I thought.

I watched everyone around me get pregnant, have children, be happy. I was so depressed and jealous. I wanted desperately to have children like a real woman. That’s what society taught me. My purpose as a woman was to be a mother. Being infertile made me feel like less of a woman. It hurt. It hurt so much feeling like I failed at womanhood.

Then I grew up. Emotionally. I began thinking about motherhood. I began thinking about how I felt about motherhood. I began thinking about how I would be as a mother. I realized I am not mother material. I am not maternal. I don’t have the patience for children. I don’t get “baby fever” when I see infants. They’re cute but once they cry I’m giving them back with the quickness! Honestly, I don’t actually like kids. I wanted kids because I was supposed to want kids. Coming to this realization was so uplifting for me. It’s sounds strange but coming to the realization that I didn’t want children, society wanted them for me took so much weight off. My womanhood was no longer bound to my uterus. My womanhood was no longer bound to my inability to produce another human. I am a woman regardless of what my body can or can’t do. I’m a lot happier now.

People listen to me say I don’t want children and still try to invalidate my feelings by telling me things like “just wait until you meet the right person” or “you say that now but just wait until that biological clock starts ticking”. Not wanting children is not abnormal. I have nothing to be ashamed of. You can’t talk me into wanting kids because you think it’s what I’m supposed to do. I’m childless. I’m happy. Respect that.