Chronic pain can kiss my a$$!

For the past several months I have been dealing with chronic pain. An old back injury had turned into new constant battle.

I pulled my back several years ago. I’m a nurse, I’m hard headed. I simply took some meds, a little heat, some rest, call it a day. I never got it checked out.

I regret that.

Pulling on unconscious trauma patients has aggravated that old back injury. It’s inflamed with a bulging disc just for added pizzazz. I, in my hard headedness, decided I was going to ignore it. Again. Because I’m an idiot. Yeeeeeeah, no. This time I had to go see someone. I can no longer lie flat on my back or my stomach (which is how I used to sleep). I can only sleep on my side now. I have trouble standing up if I have been sitting for too long, my lower back will spasm. It’s affected my life. I’m always tired because I don’t sleep for more than a 2-3 hours at a time, the pressure on my hip wakes me and I have to reposition to the other side. I’m always in pain. Always. I refuse to take narcotics. I have an addictive personality and I know that. I’ve struggled with alcohol before and I don’t trust myself. I’ve seen my spine patients. I’ve seen them go through withdrawal after surgery waiting for us to hang their opioid tolerant PCA. I don’t want that.

So the ortho-spine doc sent me to the pain clinic. She wants me to have an ablation where they burn the nerves in the inflamed area for longer lasting pain relief. Yay!

Except our hospital insurance is a hater. I can’t just go and have the ablation on both sides like we want. No. I have to go and have one side temporarily numbed up. Then schedule another appointment to have the other side numbed. Then schedule to have the ablation on the side that was first numbed up and then schedule another appointment to have the other side ablated. Four different procedures for one problem. Awesome. I’ve had the first numbing procedure and it helped… For a few weeks. They basically injected lidocaine into my back near the inflamed nerve. My back muscles spasmed so bad during the procedure that it moved the needle each time they inserted it, so it took multiple attempts and hurt like hell. The doctor told me it was the hardest one he had done and wrote me a prescription for a muscle relaxer. That was in October. I can’t get any of the other procedures until January because that’s the next opening they have. So I’m waiting on that. I’ve dealt with the pain this long what’s a few more months right? What I did not realize is how inflamed the nerves on that side would be once the numbing medicine wore off. Let’s add constant sciatic pain from the low back to the calf muscles to the party.

Fabulous. Another spine appointment, another med. I’ve gone from taking no prescription meds to taking baclofen and neurontin. Nothing hard core thank goodness but I don’t like being on meds. It could be much worse so I’m thankful that at least we have a plan in place to try and help me get better.

To all my chronic pain sufferers, I feel you. I understand your frustration. I get what you’re going through. You are stronger than you know. Don’t give up.

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Cuffing season

So I’m guessing cuffing season has begun? I have had two exes pop up out of the blue. Why? After months of not hearing a word from either of them they pop up wanting to communicate as if everything is fine. Let me guess, it got cold in that lonely bed? You figured since I’m single my bed was cold and lonely too? I guess you think some smiles and jokes will help win me over?

Let me help you out :

No.

Not today.

Not tomorrow.

Not again.

I’m good Satan. I’m good…

I’m afraid 

The world is making me afraid. So much hate, so much violence, it’s too much for me. 

I’m afraid to have a little black child because I know America will fear his/her skin and deem them a threat simply because they are brown. I am afraid to drive through certain towns because I know racism runs rampant there. I know that there are people that willingly hate me  and my kind for being “gay”, and would resort to violence of they thought they could get away with it. Hell, I’m afraid to go see “Black Panther” when it comes out because a theater full of black people makes a prime target for these emboldened sociopaths. 

The world had gotten so scary. It’s gotten so harsh. It’s gotten to be one tragedy after another. We are becoming numb to the loss of innocence. We are becoming numb to the loss of life. We are becoming numb to hatred. I don’t know what to do. 

Cleaning house

I cleaned house. Emotionally and literally. I took the time to give the house the top to bottom scrubbing it needed. A few hours and some of the most ratchet music I could find was all it took. After cleaning the house I lit incense and let the scent fill the whole house.

I went further than that.

I threw out anything left from my last relationship. I found teddy bears, pics, other small things that reminded me of her… And him. If you have been following this blog then you know that before her I was engaged to him. Neither relationship ended well. I still had things that reminded me of both of them.

So I tossed everything. Anything that belonged to them. Anything that was given to me by them, and it wasn’t much, is gone now.

I feel better. I feel lighter. It sounds so stupid when I say it out loud but cleaning really did help. More than the physical cleaning, the spiritual cleaning really took weight off of me. I’m going to spiritually cleanse more often.

The call

So "she" called to tell me she loves me.

She did not call to tell me she is sorry for not being a part of our household.

She did not call to tell me she is sorry for not showing any sexual interest in me while we were together.

She did not call to tell me she is sorry for expecting all and giving nothing in return.

She did not call to admit that she used me.

She called to tell me she loves me, because saying you love someone is apparently good enough.

The call did not go well.

Starting from the bottom

People have this idea that they should just be at the top of any and everything they do, from the moment they start doing it. 

Stepping into the job market? Well, I want a six figure job with no training, in the most saturated field.

Starting college? I’m supposed to get into every Ivy League school I apply to with my 2.1 GPA.

Starting a blog? My first post should get 10,000 likes as soon as I post it. 

Starting a podcast? I should already be number one on iTunes with this first show.

Starting a vlog channel? I should already be a YouTube partner.

Starting a gaming stream? I should have 15,000 subscribers and companies beating down my door by the end of my first stream.

Starting a business? I should have $100,000 in revenue in the first month.

Starting a band? We should sell out Madison Square Garden for our first show.

What ever happened to “starting from the bottom”?

We have become a generation of instant gratification. Things are just supposed to happen.  There should be no work involved. Success is supposed to be instant. Right here, right now. 

How’s that working out? 

Life rarely works that way. Success takes effort. It takes work. It takes time. Typically it’s not going to happen overnight. What you want to accomplish will take time, dedication, and consistency. Consistency is the one thing people seem to gloss over. You can’t just put forth all your effort into one try and then walk away when you realize it’s going to continue to take work. 

Apply for the top notch job you want. Understand, however, that there is probably someone more qualified than you for the position. Step your game up and work to become the candidate they are looking for.

You’re not going to get your degree overnight. Having one good semester is not going to carry you for the whole two to four years. Your GPA is cumulative, that one 4.0 semester has gotten dragged down by your three 2.5 semesters. Work to bring your GPA back to where you want it EACH SEMESTER. 

Know that not one single person may read your first blog post. That’s ok. Continue to post anyway. Be consistent on when you plan to post. Look into how to boost your page views. Advertise your blog to social media. Build your base

Pick a topic you know you can talk about for your podcast and then post on a consistent basis. You will never get your podcast to be popular if you sporadically post or go long amounts of time between posts. If Thursday is your podcast day then be ready to podcast every Thursday!

Record your first vlog and understand that only one or two people may see it. Look at your vlogs and determine what you like and what you may want to work on. AND THEN ACTUALLY WORK ON IT. Continue to evolve and grow. Don’t look at your followers, your base isn’t there yet. Good content will slowly bring people in. 

Stream like no one is watching. In the beginning, there is probably no one actually watching. That’s ok. Do it anyway. Let your social media know when you’re going live. You’re bound to reach a few people. A good stream can bring them back, along with a few of their friends. It’s a start.

Go ahead and start that business. Be ready to be your own biggest supporter. Understand that a Facebook post talking about your business is not a feasible way to truly advertise your business. The world exists outside of Facebook and a lot of us don’t even have a Facebook page. Be prepared to get business cards. Be prepared to make flyers if that’s the route you want to go. Understand that getting your business out there is going to take time and yes, money. 

You all are talented? Great. Make music. Push that music. Play those tiny venues. Play the small summer concert series in the park. Have ways to direct people to your SoundCloud or YouTube page. Work for your fan base.

Work for it. That’s it. Be consistent in what you do and work for what you want. Success isn’t instant. It’s ok to not be a superstar in the beginning. You’re a superstar in the making. 

Spoiled

Rarely does spoiling someone do them any good. A spoiled child almost always becomes an entitled adult. You are a provider. You vow to make sure your child never has to need for anything. This is noble and I commend you. Then it slowly goes from them not needing anything to them not having to want for anything. There is a difference. You go from making sure your child has shoes and clothes for school, to making sure your child has $250 sneakers and $150 jeans for school. Your child soon beings to expect only the most expensive things in life because that’s what you have taught them. However you never taught them to work for the things they want. Let’s remember they aren’t working for these things, you are. You work long hours, pick up an extra job, do whatever it takes to make sure your child has only name brand items, the best of the best. Now you are rarely there for your child because you have to work all of the time to provide the material things that they have become accustomed to. Your child learns to fill the void left by your absence with those material things. They want more things because you aren’t there, you aren’t there because you have to work to buy more things. You know exactly what I am talking about. Your son has $290 football cleats but you have yet to see him play in them because you are always at work. It becomes a vicious cycle.

That child then becomes an adult with that same mindset: “I want only the best and someone needs to work hard to get it for me (you know, what you taught them?).” These are the adults that want everything yet work for nothing. These are the same people who want to live a millionaire lifestyle on a Walmart budget. Rather than establish themselves and build up to that millionaire life, they’ll just find someone already living it and latch on. These are the men that have on a $500 outfit at the club but still live with their baby mothers because they can’t afford to live on their own (don’t worry though, they aren’t “together” he is just there for his child). These are the women who want you to buy them a $1000 bag and then call you broke because you can’t afford it, yet they can’t buy it for themselves either. These people typically can’t keep a job because the boss has it out for them, a coworker got them in trouble, the management is after them, etc. They will never mention that they are always late, or they call in constantly, or they are lazy at work. These people feel that they are entitled to only the best because that is what they were taught from childhood. You are now creating another one of these soon to be entitled adults.

Spoiled isn’t good for food, it damn sure isn’t good for a person.