Super Wokeman

I’m going to create a superhero and call him “Super Wokeman”. He will be the hero all hoteps deserve. He (can’t be a “she” because only men can lead in the hotep community) will be descendant from Egyptian royalty because we all know Egypt is the only country in Africa according to hoteps. He will have a degree in YouTube scholarly studies, since most of their knowledge comes from YouTube videos of people angrily spitting unverified information. He will be vegan and organic because people that aren’t are failures (because the rest of us are just poisoning ourselves with non organic shit, duh). He will be able to detect a woman giving an opinion from a mile away and be able to jump in and “man-splain” in a single bound. He will fly around in only the finest African print super dashikis. He has a third eye to detect interracial relationships that need his opinion on why they are wrong. His disguise will be working in some “white man’s job” while simultaneously making fun of you on Instagram and Twitter for not starting your business and working for yourself instead of relying on the “White man”. Super Wokeman will be the wokest of all men. He will be the ultimate hotep.

I need someone to draw this for me!

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Damn dog

So I got to meet one of my neighbor’s dogs up close and personal. In fact, he liked me so much that he bit me… Three times… After biting one of my other neighbors.

Friendly little fella huh?

Luckily he wasn’t a big dog, he’s a pug. I was able to finally kick the little bastard off of me but that didn’t stop him. He ran back to the neighbor’s porch and went at her again. Needless to say, she called the cops. It took for the cops to arrive to get the dog owners outside. The owner then tried to dispute that it was that particular pug (all three of her little dogs were out and about) that bit us because she heard him barking in her yard so he couldn’t have been on our end.

Because, you know, I don’t know which dog bit me until I punted his ass… 🙄

So now I have lovely “decorations” on my legs to commemorate my getting to meet the little pug from hell.

Awesome.

Dear knees…

Dear knees,

Calm it the fuck down.

I know I’m walking a lot more now that I work closer to home. That’s a good thing. It’s exercise. We need this.

All the creaking, cracking, and bitching you’re doing is COMPLETELY unnecessary.

We aren’t old. We’re fat, yes, but not old. There is no reason for you to be acting this way. Just go with it. I’m going to keep walking either way so make it easy knees and get with the program!

Well hello

I’ve got exes coming out of the woodwork.

I wonder if they can smell my happiness with the single life?

I’ve had to curse out one of my exes. They showed me that they are still self centered and ungrateful. One was surprised that even though I was talking to him I was still entertaining others. I’m single so I can do what I want. One seems to want that old thing back (we broke up mutually and have no ill feelings towards each other). Then I decided to post a picture of myself in a dress and another ex decided to slide right in to my DMs.

Where are all of y’all coming from?!

Why now? It’s been years since I have spoken to most of them and yet here they are. I know this is a test. I’m being tested to see if I’m weak enough to fall back into the very thing that I left.

I’m not.

Take that universe.

I’m strong enough to know that I left each of these relationships for a reason. I’m not going back to anyone without very visible and tangible change. I do want love but I want love that is healthy and lasting. So I’m just going to wait this out and continue to do my own thing.

I’m good universe… I’m good.

Bittersweet

Tonight is my last shift as a trauma nurse. It’s bittersweet.

I’m excited about starting the new position but I am really going to miss my coworkers. I can say I worked with a great group of people. I know that is something not a lot of people get to say yet I have the privilege of saying it. The nightshift crew was a special breed. I think it had to do with the fact that most of the time we really only had each other to rely on. There is no management at night. No secretary, often times no tech, no leadership besides the charge nurse. It was us… We made it work. The teamwork was amazing and that is something I can say is not always common (the teamwork at my last job was horrible).

Honestly, if the commute wasn’t so long I probably wouldn’t be leaving. However, I’ve been lucky enough to get a position in a hospital within walking distance of my house and going from an 1.5 hour commute to a 15 min walk is going to be amazing.

But I’m nervous.

I’m going from what I’m used to into something a little less familiar for me. It’s still nursing but not bedside, which is what I’ve been doing for 8 years. There is a part of me that wants to just stick with the status quo since it’s the easiest thing to do. I know not to listen to that part though. That part of me is afraid of change. That part of me will keep me from progressing.

Here’s to the start of something new… 🥂

Changes

There have been a lot of changes happening in my life. Career, mental health, life in general. I’ve noticed that when I stop trying to avoid change and instead embrace it things tend to turn out positive.

I have a bad habit of trying to plan every little aspect of my life. I keep trying to make things go down this path I have created in my mind. That mental path had no twists, no turns. It’s straight from point A to point B.

It’s completely unrealistic.

Life is rarely linear. There is no straight line when it comes to life. I get frustrated because I see where I am and where I want to be and tell myself it’ll be a straight shot. It never is. There is always a detour along that path. There is always something that changes the path as I am walking along. Things go left here, right there. Those twists and turns help to build me into who I am. I realize I am better as a person when I finally reach point B thanks to all the things I encountered when leaving point A.

I want my first response to change to be excitement instead of fear. I need to be ready for all the stops along the path. I need to understand that those stops, turns, roadblocks are all a part of getting there.

Childless

I am childless. It was originally not by choice. I have PCOS. It’s a condition that has made it all but impossible for me to get pregnant naturally (trust me I tried).

When I first learned about my diagnosis I was 19 and devastated. I’m a woman. My reason for existing is to be a mother, to give birth, to start a family! That’s what woman do!

Or so I thought.

I watched everyone around me get pregnant, have children, be happy. I was so depressed and jealous. I wanted desperately to have children like a real woman. That’s what society taught me. My purpose as a woman was to be a mother. Being infertile made me feel like less of a woman. It hurt. It hurt so much feeling like I failed at womanhood.

Then I grew up. Emotionally. I began thinking about motherhood. I began thinking about how I felt about motherhood. I began thinking about how I would be as a mother. I realized I am not mother material. I am not maternal. I don’t have the patience for children. I don’t get “baby fever” when I see infants. They’re cute but once they cry I’m giving them back with the quickness! Honestly, I don’t actually like kids. I wanted kids because I was supposed to want kids. Coming to this realization was so uplifting for me. It’s sounds strange but coming to the realization that I didn’t want children, society wanted them for me took so much weight off. My womanhood was no longer bound to my uterus. My womanhood was no longer bound to my inability to produce another human. I am a woman regardless of what my body can or can’t do. I’m a lot happier now.

People listen to me say I don’t want children and still try to invalidate my feelings by telling me things like “just wait until you meet the right person” or “you say that now but just wait until that biological clock starts ticking”. Not wanting children is not abnormal. I have nothing to be ashamed of. You can’t talk me into wanting kids because you think it’s what I’m supposed to do. I’m childless. I’m happy. Respect that.