I’ve got exes coming out of the woodwork.
I wonder if they can smell my happiness with the single life?
I’ve had to curse out one of my exes. They showed me that they are still self centered and ungrateful. One was surprised that even though I was talking to him I was still entertaining others. I’m single so I can do what I want. One seems to want that old thing back (we broke up mutually and have no ill feelings towards each other). Then I decided to post a picture of myself in a dress and another ex decided to slide right in to my DMs.
Where are all of y’all coming from?!
Why now? It’s been years since I have spoken to most of them and yet here they are. I know this is a test. I’m being tested to see if I’m weak enough to fall back into the very thing that I left.
Take that universe.
I’m strong enough to know that I left each of these relationships for a reason. I’m not going back to anyone without very visible and tangible change. I do want love but I want love that is healthy and lasting. So I’m just going to wait this out and continue to do my own thing.
I’m good universe… I’m good.
Tonight is my last shift as a trauma nurse. It’s bittersweet.
I’m excited about starting the new position but I am really going to miss my coworkers. I can say I worked with a great group of people. I know that is something not a lot of people get to say yet I have the privilege of saying it. The nightshift crew was a special breed. I think it had to do with the fact that most of the time we really only had each other to rely on. There is no management at night. No secretary, often times no tech, no leadership besides the charge nurse. It was us… We made it work. The teamwork was amazing and that is something I can say is not always common (the teamwork at my last job was horrible).
Honestly, if the commute wasn’t so long I probably wouldn’t be leaving. However, I’ve been lucky enough to get a position in a hospital within walking distance of my house and going from an 1.5 hour commute to a 15 min walk is going to be amazing.
But I’m nervous.
I’m going from what I’m used to into something a little less familiar for me. It’s still nursing but not bedside, which is what I’ve been doing for 8 years. There is a part of me that wants to just stick with the status quo since it’s the easiest thing to do. I know not to listen to that part though. That part of me is afraid of change. That part of me will keep me from progressing.
Here’s to the start of something new… 🥂
There have been a lot of changes happening in my life. Career, mental health, life in general. I’ve noticed that when I stop trying to avoid change and instead embrace it things tend to turn out positive.
I have a bad habit of trying to plan every little aspect of my life. I keep trying to make things go down this path I have created in my mind. That mental path had no twists, no turns. It’s straight from point A to point B.
It’s completely unrealistic.
Life is rarely linear. There is no straight line when it comes to life. I get frustrated because I see where I am and where I want to be and tell myself it’ll be a straight shot. It never is. There is always a detour along that path. There is always something that changes the path as I am walking along. Things go left here, right there. Those twists and turns help to build me into who I am. I realize I am better as a person when I finally reach point B thanks to all the things I encountered when leaving point A.
I want my first response to change to be excitement instead of fear. I need to be ready for all the stops along the path. I need to understand that those stops, turns, roadblocks are all a part of getting there.
I am childless. It was originally not by choice. I have PCOS. It’s a condition that has made it all but impossible for me to get pregnant naturally (trust me I tried).
When I first learned about my diagnosis I was 19 and devastated. I’m a woman. My reason for existing is to be a mother, to give birth, to start a family! That’s what woman do!
Or so I thought.
I watched everyone around me get pregnant, have children, be happy. I was so depressed and jealous. I wanted desperately to have children like a real woman. That’s what society taught me. My purpose as a woman was to be a mother. Being infertile made me feel like less of a woman. It hurt. It hurt so much feeling like I failed at womanhood.
Then I grew up. Emotionally. I began thinking about motherhood. I began thinking about how I felt about motherhood. I began thinking about how I would be as a mother. I realized I am not mother material. I am not maternal. I don’t have the patience for children. I don’t get “baby fever” when I see infants. They’re cute but once they cry I’m giving them back with the quickness! Honestly, I don’t actually like kids. I wanted kids because I was supposed to want kids. Coming to this realization was so uplifting for me. It’s sounds strange but coming to the realization that I didn’t want children, society wanted them for me took so much weight off. My womanhood was no longer bound to my uterus. My womanhood was no longer bound to my inability to produce another human. I am a woman regardless of what my body can or can’t do. I’m a lot happier now.
People listen to me say I don’t want children and still try to invalidate my feelings by telling me things like “just wait until you meet the right person” or “you say that now but just wait until that biological clock starts ticking”. Not wanting children is not abnormal. I have nothing to be ashamed of. You can’t talk me into wanting kids because you think it’s what I’m supposed to do. I’m childless. I’m happy. Respect that.
So I finally decided to enter the Star Wars universe. I know, I’m late as hell. I grew up a Star Trek fan, not a Star Wars fan. I knew the Enterprise not the Millennium Falcon. I never saw a reason to watch Star Wars… Until now. I binge watched all seven movies over the span of two days. Yes, like 15 hours of movie in two days. It was intense. It’s not that the movies were intense, it was the fact that I had to figure out the order I was going to watch them in, find them all, and then commit myself to the effort. So I got drunk.
I mean, why not.
I decided to watch in chronological order instead of release order. I wanted to follow the story from what was supposed to be the beginning. If you plan to jump into the Star Wars universe with no prior knowledge of the story then I suggest starting this way as well. Some people say to watch the originals first and then the prequels to save some of the surprises. Unless you’ve been living under a rock then you know Darth Vader is Luke’s dad and he isn’t happy about it. There aren’t any real surprises left after all these years. This meant, however, I started with the weakest movie in the franchise first: “Phantom Menace”. Listening to Jar Jar Binks talk is like listening to Trump’s tweets being read aloud. It’s cringe worthy. Just so you know, there’s less of him in episodes two and three and none of him in four through six. If you can tough out “Phantom Menace” then you’ll do just fine.
I liked the movies. I won’t say I am a new Star Wars fanatic. I won’t be dressing as a Jedi for movie premiers or going on opening day. I will say I am a new fan. The story is engrossing. The characters make you like them or hate them. You feel for them in their times of loss. You cheer for them in their times of triumph. It can feel a little repetitive though. Despite that, the saga really can pull you in. In fact, it pulled me in so much that I am typing this after just getting home from seeing “The Last Jedi”. I loved it. It seems that some of the more in depth and hard core Star Wars fans weren’t a fan of this one. I have my own opinion as to why.
It’s not “Luke vs ‘insert villain here'”. In fact, it feels like the story is clearing a way to not be “Skywalker” centered. Don’t worry, no spoilers here. I just feel like this new addition to the saga is taking the story in a different direction, I like that. You meet new characters. You learn new things about Luke and what he’s going through. You learn new things about the force. It just felt new. That’s a good thing to me. I guess when you’re used to the stories following a center pattern is hard to accept it when the story starts to veer away. I’m excited to see how the saga continues to progress. Star Wars has gotten itself a new fan.
For the past several months I have been dealing with chronic pain. An old back injury had turned into new constant battle.
I pulled my back several years ago. I’m a nurse, I’m hard headed. I simply took some meds, a little heat, some rest, call it a day. I never got it checked out.
I regret that.
Pulling on unconscious trauma patients has aggravated that old back injury. It’s inflamed with a bulging disc just for added pizzazz. I, in my hard headedness, decided I was going to ignore it. Again. Because I’m an idiot. Yeeeeeeah, no. This time I had to go see someone. I can no longer lie flat on my back or my stomach (which is how I used to sleep). I can only sleep on my side now. I have trouble standing up if I have been sitting for too long, my lower back will spasm. It’s affected my life. I’m always tired because I don’t sleep for more than a 2-3 hours at a time, the pressure on my hip wakes me and I have to reposition to the other side. I’m always in pain. Always. I refuse to take narcotics. I have an addictive personality and I know that. I’ve struggled with alcohol before and I don’t trust myself. I’ve seen my spine patients. I’ve seen them go through withdrawal after surgery waiting for us to hang their opioid tolerant PCA. I don’t want that.
So the ortho-spine doc sent me to the pain clinic. She wants me to have an ablation where they burn the nerves in the inflamed area for longer lasting pain relief. Yay!
Except our hospital insurance is a hater. I can’t just go and have the ablation on both sides like we want. No. I have to go and have one side temporarily numbed up. Then schedule another appointment to have the other side numbed. Then schedule to have the ablation on the side that was first numbed up and then schedule another appointment to have the other side ablated. Four different procedures for one problem. Awesome. I’ve had the first numbing procedure and it helped… For a few weeks. They basically injected lidocaine into my back near the inflamed nerve. My back muscles spasmed so bad during the procedure that it moved the needle each time they inserted it, so it took multiple attempts and hurt like hell. The doctor told me it was the hardest one he had done and wrote me a prescription for a muscle relaxer. That was in October. I can’t get any of the other procedures until January because that’s the next opening they have. So I’m waiting on that. I’ve dealt with the pain this long what’s a few more months right? What I did not realize is how inflamed the nerves on that side would be once the numbing medicine wore off. Let’s add constant sciatic pain from the low back to the calf muscles to the party.
Fabulous. Another spine appointment, another med. I’ve gone from taking no prescription meds to taking baclofen and neurontin. Nothing hard core thank goodness but I don’t like being on meds. It could be much worse so I’m thankful that at least we have a plan in place to try and help me get better.
To all my chronic pain sufferers, I feel you. I understand your frustration. I get what you’re going through. You are stronger than you know. Don’t give up.
So I’m guessing cuffing season has begun? I have had two exes pop up out of the blue. Why? After months of not hearing a word from either of them they pop up wanting to communicate as if everything is fine. Let me guess, it got cold in that lonely bed? You figured since I’m single my bed was cold and lonely too? I guess you think some smiles and jokes will help win me over?
Let me help you out :
I’m good Satan. I’m good…