When does it end? How many more have to die? It’s unbearable.


Are you bitter?

If you are honest with yourself are you angry or are you bitter? Are you holding on to something that hurt you? Are you holding on a situation that went wrong? Are you telling yourself you’re “just angry” or are you truly bitter?

There is nothing wrong with anger. Anger is a natural response to certain situations. However, holding on to this anger is where things go wrong. That anger slowly becomes bitterness. Bitterness destroys people. Bitterness causes you to take negative feelings associated with a prior situation and apply those feelings to every future related situation.  Bitterness causes you to expect the worst from others. Bitterness causes you to retreat inward. It is an ineffective coping mechanism. Anger is a feeling but bitterness is a state of mind. I have been able to use anger to push me forward. Anger made me feel like I had something to prove to the person that hurt me. Anger helped me get my BSN. Bitterness has never helped me get anywhere.

I have been able to use anger to push me forward. Anger made me feel like I had something to prove to the person/people/situation that hurt me. Anger helped me get my BSN. Anger pushed me to find a better job. Anger made me walk away from a dying relationship. Bitterness has never helped me get anywhere.

Bitterness kept me single for a long time. I had faith in no one. Bitterness kept me inside of a self-imposed prison. Why venture out when things are just going to go wrong anyway? Bitterness kept me emotionally unstable. Bitterness didn’t push me forward, it held me back.

Step away from bitterness. Be angry. Be hurt. Be sad. Feel all that you need to feel. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling all of those “negative” emotions. You have to learn to ultimately let those emotions go.









Running away

I am notorious for running away. As soon as feel myself falling, as soon as I feel anything for someone, I run. I have been used. I have been cheated on. I have been lied to. I have been hurt so badly, so many times that I fear feelings. I don’t want to deal with the pain, the rejection. So I run. I run as fast as I can and end up alone again. Then I hate myself for being alone. It’s a continuous cycle. I’m like a hamster on a wheel, running and running and getting nowhere. The wheel stops now. I’m stepping off. I’m walking away from the cycle of fear and self loathing I have wallowed in. Someone is trying to make their way into my heart. I am already looking for a reason to push him away. He’s done nothing wrong. I am blaming him for the hurt my heart holds. No more. The douchebagery is not his fault nor is it mine. The blame lies with those who treat people so badly. Time to let myself heal.

Thoughts of a sad heart.

How much is someone supposed to take? How strong is someone supposed to remain in the face of adversity? Everyone tells you to remain strong. If not, pray. Ok, then what? I prayed for my mother to live. I prayed for her to win the battle against her cancer. Instead she died in front of me when I was only 16. It’s been 14 years and the hole in my heart that losing her has left is still there. It’s a sadness, a pain that can’t be described. Yet I have put on that I am strong. I have everyone believing I am healing. I hide the desperation. Can no one see the pain in these eyes? Has anyone ever looked long enough to actually see through the facade? I guess not… So I soldier on. Pick up the smile, put in on, make sure it’s straight, and make believe.