Me, games, and inconsistency (BEDA 26)

I am such an inconsistent gamer. I may play a game for days on end, then stop… for years. Case in point, “Persona 4 Golden” for the PS Vita. I got the game probably a week or so after it was released. I played endlessly for weeks. Then I just stopped. I think I got stuck trying to beat some boss shadow. Probably got frustrated and put the game down. I do that a lot. I happened to be going through a box and found my Vita again. Persona was still inside, waiting. Seeing the game cartridge made me nostalgic. I actually really liked the game, I shouldn’t have quit.
I am not the greatest gamer. In fact I will be a n00b for the rest of my life, no matter what I’m playing. I am one of those people that has terrible hand/eye coordination. I can’t do the “special move”. I probably don’t even know what the move is. I don’t know how to chain moves together. I can’t “run and gun”, I am not built for that first person shooter life. I can play the hell out of a side scroller though. I am also decent at games with a storyline and missions. I am one of those people that like structure.

 I just get frustrated so easily. If I get stuck in a game, I just give up. I put the game down and stop trying. I need to stop doing that. It’s somewhat of a metaphor for how I have dealt with life. Can’t figure out a solution? Give up. That’s such a loser stance to take. I can’t just give up as soon as there is a little friction. Nothing gets accomplished that way. Time to restart that saved file. 

Just so you know, as terrible as I am at gaming, I still consider myself a “gamer”. I enjoy gaming. If I don’t play, I watch others play. I want to know what game is coming out and when. I like listening to commentary from those “hard core” gamers. I like being a part of the gaming community. To me, that still makes me a gamer. I don’t think being a “gamer” is a title only reserved for the “experts”. There are levels to this. So, I will still call myself a gamer even though I am sporadic as hell and pure trash in most games. That’s my choice.

My neck, my back (BEDA 25)

I really need to work on my body mechanics. I have no idea why but my back has been in a continuous spasm since last night. I picked up an oxygen tank to mine ur and almost dropped to my knees from the pain. Typically my back only bothers me if I’m constantly moving heavy patients, which is unavoidable since I’m a nurse. 

I think it’s time for my first deep tissue massage. Or is it time for me to stop pulling on patients? 

Just friends (BEDA 24)

I need to ask a question: why do so many people feel like men and women can’t be “just friends”? Why is there an automatic assumption that if two people of the opposite sex are close they have to be sleeping together? I encounter this thought process from others often. 

I have mostly male friends. In fact, there are only two females that I consider myself actually close to. If you’ve read other blogs of mine then you know I refer to my guy friends as “my boys”. We refer to ourselves as “the cool kids”. We are as close as friends could possibly be. When we hang out, I’m almost always the only girl. If it’s not a group hang out then I’m typically with my “brother”. Either way, I’m around guys majority of the time, and I see the looks. Those “she’s f*cking him/them” looks or the “she’s definitely a ho hanging around all those guys” looks.  It’s never bothered me at all. I’ve never felt awkward around them, nor have I slept with or wanted to sleep with any of them. They’ve never made me feel like any one of them was trying to make a move on me. In fact, I went to Magfest this year and we all stayed in one hotel room… four guys and little ol me. It was four days of foolishness as evidenced by my Instagram posts during that trip (so. much. alcohol).  I guess that’s why I don’t understand the thought process behind the idea that men and women can’t be friends, I’m proof that we can.

However, I know women that feel like every man that tries to strike up a conversation with them is actually just trying to “get some”. I get it, ladies, I do. We wade through a sea of fuck boys on a daily basis. The guys that use the guise of friendship to see if they can get something more out of you, we’ve all dealt with them. However, you know that’s not every guy though right?

 I can hear your response now “all the dudes know are after something” or “they only want to be friends to see when they can make their move”. Sweetie, ask yourself this: Why are all the guys around you fuck boys? Why are you allowing them in your life or anywhere near you period? Once you notice friendship is not their agenda, especially after you’ve made it clear that that is your preference, why are they still in your life? Once they cross that line, after that line has been clearly marked, drop them and move on. Their mind is not where yours is. Instead of being bitter about a fuck boy, just make your life “fuck boy free”. Take a moment to assess how you are coming across these “male friends”. Where are you meeting these guys? Did you meet homeboy at a club and after he asked “do you have a man?” he then asked “well can you have a friend?”, because you know damn well that’s not what he’s after. Are you on dating sites ” only looking for friendship”? If so, please get real. Dating sites are not the place to make new “friends” hence the reason they are called “dating sites”. Did he slide into your dm’s? Come on, you know what he’s up to. Was he flirting first and after that didn’t work settled on the friendship approach? You saw his true intentions in the beginning. Sometimes you really can tell the plan by the approach… and yes I know, some fuck boys are smoother than that. Some use your likes, your hobbies to try and get close (I’ve dealt with that before). Eventually they show their true colors, like I said drop them and move on. 

Don’t allow the wrong men to make you think all men are wrong. Some men are perfectly fine having you as their female friend. Some men really aren’t looking at you like a piece of meat. Some men simply want to enjoy your companionship and conversation. Don’t place all men in one box, it’s how you miss out on the good few. 

Now fellas, let’s talk for a second. Are you aware that a woman can talk to you and not want to date you? Did you know that just because you’re interested in more doesn’t mean she has to be? Her saying she just wants friendship is *not* a challenge. Sometimes we just enjoy having that male perspective. If she has made it clear that she considers you her friend or her “brother” (which is actually an important part in our lives), and you still hold on to the idea of more, she didn’t put you in the “friend zone”, you put yourself there. She made it evident that you are not who she is looking to date (and she has that right, she is not obligated to you) and yet you drag along hoping you can weasel in. Bruh, if she isn’t into you then she isn’t into you. Find someone who is. Enjoy your friendship with her and look for someone else to build an actual relationship with. Now if she’s one of those girls that gives you *just* enough hope to keep you from moving on, RUN! That’s actually the last woman you want to date anyway. She’s already showing you she’s about the games. She’s a fuck girl and she will eventually just be a headache. It’s not worth it, trust me. Don’t lose a great friend because your dick wants to make all the decisions. 

For those of you that have friends of the opposite sex, enjoy your friendships. Society will try to impose its ideals onto you. Society will try to dictate what your interactions with that person or those people should be like. Society is uncomfortable with platonic relationships. Society refuses to believe you can love someone of the opposite sex but not be in love with them. Society can go have several seats. Your friends are just that, your friends. If you’re like me, their sex doesn’t matter. You know how much they mean to you and how much you mean to them. Don’t let other people change that. 

Garbage (BEDA 22)

Y’all, I am so garbage sometimes.

I do/think/ say some terrible things.

  • I laugh if you say “sorry for your lost
  • If we are having a textual convo and you misuse your/you’re I will just stop responding
  • I judge you if you say “irregardless”
  • I screenshot shit to share with my friends with no shame (I’m talking whole thirsty convos)
  • I take pics of people looking a mess in public and share in group chat
  • I then participate in the roast session of said pic
  • I refuse to clean my car. I’m sure there’s an animal or small family living in the back seat
  • If we argue and you say something that even remotely hurts my feelings, I will verbally slaughter you despite the fact that the argument probably wasn’t even serious enough for all of that
  • If you say something dumb my facial expressions will let you know
  • I will not let you in during traffic, I don’t care
  • I will look at a text, not reply, and then proceed to get on instagram and/or Twitter
  • I will totally overreact to something unimportant 
  • I judge every person that sags their pants… don’t care
  • I will never be your “ride or die”. If you do something and they threaten me with jail, I’m singing like a damn canary
  • I procrastinate and then poorly handle the stress that stems from procrastinating
  • I don’t like you. No offense, you didn’t do anything wrong, I just like my group of like 10 people and that’s it
  • I will keep my earphones in, with no music playing, so people don’t talk to me in public
  • I’m going to arrive late. I just am. My friends already expect this

I am seriously so trash sometimes. I’m going to work on that… (I’m lying through my teeth)

One very lesbian year later (BEDA 21)

Today marks my girlfriend and I’s one year anniversary. It marks me being “out” as bisexual to friends and family. It also marks one year that some of my family has been in denial.

It’s still a phase depending on who you talk to. 

Seriously.

My mom (step mom technically, if my mom were alive she would have met my girlfriend already) still considers me an “eligible bachelorette”. As far as she is concerned, I just need to meet the right guy.  No, really. She does everything in her power to maintain the illusion that I am still straight. Example? Thanksgiving. I was telling her about Crys making me watch a scary movie that messed me up. Her response “who is Crys, your roommate?” My face: 


Mind you, this was not my first time mentioning her and yet…
Needless to say, the denial rubs me the wrong way. It has made me unintentionally distant. The denial of my sexuality feels like a denial of an important part of me. My dad seems to be sort of nonchalant about it. He doesn’t talk about it, but doesn’t deny it if I talk about it. 

I get it. I went through a bad break up with a guy and started dating a girl a few months afterward. I can see why people thought it was a phase at that time. As time progressed I thought people would see how serious we are about each other. It’s not like I just picked some random woman and decided to try her out. I had known my girlfriend for eight years prior to she and I getting into a relationship. We were friends. I simply decided to finally give her a chance after her eight years of persistence. 

Good decision on my part.

She drives me nuts sometimes. We argue something terrible but we also love something wonderful. She doesn’t call me “pretty”, she calls me “beautiful” all the time. Prior to her, it was a word I rarely heard from my partner. Oh, I was “pretty”, I was “cute”, I was even “sexy”, but rarely did they ever call me beautiful. She has forced me to learn how to communicate (still a work in progress because I’m an ass sometimes). She knows how to make me smile, one of these days I’m going to catch her random songs and dances on camera. She makes me happy. That’s good enough for me. 

So, one very lesbian year later, I am still adjusting to life and love. I’m still learning and growing on my own and with her. I’m still happy. 

I’m cool with that.

Four twenty (BEDA 20)

It’s here. It’s 4/20. If you don’t know, it’s pretty much “National Marijauna Day” or the “Day of the Smoker” so to speak. For most though, it’s the day of the “annoying stoner“.

I am not talking about the person who chooses to celebrate with their friends. Not you, the person that smokes everyday anyway but decide to “go big or go home” this 4/20. Not talking to the people that simply plan on participating just to enjoy the day. I am not talking about you.

You aren’t the annoying stoner.

No, I am talking about the person that dresses in all Bob Marley on this particular day and only this day (they know nothing about him or what he stood for except that he smoked marijuana). I am talking about the person that posts videos of themselves blowing smoke out of their nose, or “O” shaped smoke rings ALL. DAY. LONG. Every instagram post, every Snapchat story, all daaaaaayyyyyy! I am talking about the girls that posts pics of themselves wearing a low cut shirt that says  “stoner girl” while smoking out of what, to me anyway, looks like a giant crack pipe.

img_1404

Or she’s wearing the shirt above.

I am talking about that person that goes the extra mile to make sure people know they are participating in 4/20.

We get it, you smoke weed.

Why are you like this? Why do you have to do THE MOST? Why are you being so extra? Why can’t you just enjoy something without overdoing it. Why are you so annoying?