You’re not an individual anymore

Since when was it necessary to lose your individuality just because you are in a relationship? I keep seeing relationships where one person is so insecure that they have to be up under their partner at all times. He/she can no longer go out with friends unless their partner is going too. If they don’t text back in 2.7 seconds then it’s an argument. They want to Facetime/call/text 24/7 with no time in between. I see stuff like this glorified on instagram all the time (memes of the girl getting dressed because her guy is going out with friends and she decided she’s going too). That constant need to be near their partner and have no space at all is strange.

Is that not annoying?

Is it not also a red flag? 

Yes, red flagI say that for a reason. I have learned over the last few years of dating fuckboys (and one fuckgirl) that space is essential.  It gives you time to actually miss your partner. It gives you time to decompress. It gives you time to be an individual. And that right there, ladies and gentlemen, is where the red flag comes in to play (at least for me). Why does this person not want to be alone? I used to be that red flag. When I was jumping from relationship to relationship, I did it because I didn’t want to be alone with myself, it made me uncomfortable. I didn’t want to be an individual. Hell, I couldn’t be an individual because I didn’t know who I was as a person outside of being a girlfriend.  I had so many pent up issues that I just didn’t want to deal with, but they always came back whenever it was just me. When I was up under someone I could pretend everything was okay. My depression wasn’t real. My mother being gone wasn’t real. My alcohol problem wasn’t real. My anxiety wasn’t real. My fears weren’t real. My inability to communicate like an actual adult wasn’t real. In a relationship it was no longer “me”, it was “we” and I could pretend like all my problems that I was hiding weren’t real. I could focus all of my attention away from myself and all the things I need to fix and focus on him/her. Pretend perfection… until things fell apart. 

See, all those things I hid from were still there and would eventually rear their ugly little heads. I would still be depressed. I would still want to drink. I wouldn’t know how to communicate my feelings so instead I hid them until I couldn’t anymore and then blew up over some dumb shit. I was one problematic ass girlfriend. Seriously! I wanted to make whoever I was with drop their individuality and become this inseparable entity. It was beneficial for me, who cares how it was for them right? But that’s not all. I ended up in shitty relationships because instead taking my time to find someone that actually had something to offer, I jumped on whoever was next. Fuckboy after fuckboy. Sprinkle on a fuckgirl for good measure.

So to recap, I was a shitty girlfriend that dated shitty people and ended up in shitty relationships because I couldn’t be alone and deal with my shit. I am willing to admit this as I sit here typing, single as hell and finally okay with it. In fact, I have been single for a year now. I had a few friends with benefits but I dropped them so I could just focus on me, my issues, and finding a person worth my time. Being alone SUCKED in the beginning but I am finally at a point that I am comfortable with me. I am enjoying this space. I am rather happy as an individual. I am waiting until I find someone that I can snuggle up under, love all up on, and still have “me time” without them getting offended. 

 

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The dating pool

The dating pool in your 30’s is filled with raw sewage.

I had no idea how hard it would be to find someone my age that has their shit together. Currently I run into:

  • Married but wants a side chick
  • Afraid of commitment
  • Still trying to be a rapper full time
  • Multiple kids that they don’t take care of
  • No goals or plans for the future
  • Comfortable making $2 over minimum wage
  • Wants me to “come through and chill” in hopes that it leads to sex
  • Still wants to party every weekend
  • Still wants to buy tables and pop bottles every weekend at said party but needs gas money on Monday

Seriously? I’m in my mid thirties and this is what I have to pick from? This can’t be all that’s left!

So internet I ask: where do I go to meet at least semi-decent people (male and female, I am bi after all)?

Well hello

I’ve got exes coming out of the woodwork.

I wonder if they can smell my happiness with the single life?

I’ve had to curse out one of my exes. They showed me that they are still self centered and ungrateful. One was surprised that even though I was talking to him I was still entertaining others. I’m single so I can do what I want. One seems to want that old thing back (we broke up mutually and have no ill feelings towards each other). Then I decided to post a picture of myself in a dress and another ex decided to slide right in to my DMs.

Where are all of y’all coming from?!

Why now? It’s been years since I have spoken to most of them and yet here they are. I know this is a test. I’m being tested to see if I’m weak enough to fall back into the very thing that I left.

I’m not.

Take that universe.

I’m strong enough to know that I left each of these relationships for a reason. I’m not going back to anyone without very visible and tangible change. I do want love but I want love that is healthy and lasting. So I’m just going to wait this out and continue to do my own thing.

I’m good universe… I’m good.

Bounce

Have you ever met a person that is never single? I mean, there may be a few weeks in between relationships but they always bounce to someone new.

HOW?

These people just constantly meet people and get into a whole entire relationship.  And it’s not like they are just dating. No. These people are moving in together after a month, engaged after three months, broken up in six months, and in a new relationship within a few weeks of the break-up.

Again, HOW?

I was going to ask “what am I doing wrong?” however, I realize that they can’t be doing it “right” if they are constantly bouncing from one relationship to another. Instead, I ask where the hell are they even meeting that many people to get into a relationship with? I can barely meet one person that I like at any given time. I have a hard time finding people that can keep my interest before they start asking when I’m going to “come through” or sending me unsolicited dick pics. Is there a special meeting place or something?

 

 

Cleaning house

I cleaned house. Emotionally and literally. I took the time to give the house the top to bottom scrubbing it needed. A few hours and some of the most ratchet music I could find was all it took. After cleaning the house I lit incense and let the scent fill the whole house.

I went further than that.

I threw out anything left from my last relationship. I found teddy bears, pics, other small things that reminded me of her… And him. If you have been following this blog then you know that before her I was engaged to him. Neither relationship ended well. I still had things that reminded me of both of them.

So I tossed everything. Anything that belonged to them. Anything that was given to me by them, and it wasn’t much, is gone now.

I feel better. I feel lighter. It sounds so stupid when I say it out loud but cleaning really did help. More than the physical cleaning, the spiritual cleaning really took weight off of me. I’m going to spiritually cleanse more often.

My sexual-ness does not mean I want to have sex with you.

I am a very sexual person.  Sex is important in a relationship (in my humble opinion). I do not believe sex is a topic that is taboo for women. We like it. I am completely open to having discussions about what I like and what I don’t like. I am open to talking about my sexuality. I don’t necessarily post provocative pics of my self on social media (my career choice doesn’t allow for that) but I am totally ok with women who do. Sex is natural. Sex is fun. Sex is normal.

My openness with my sexuality does NOT mean I want to or have to have sex with you. The fact that I am bisexual does not mean I want to have a threesome with you and some random female of your choosing. Posting something sexual does not mean “send me a random and unsolicited dick pic in my DM’s”. Being sexual does not mean I am a “slut”. If I safely have sex with multiple consenting partners then why does it matter to you if you’re not one of them? If I want to send nudes to someone, why does that make me a “ho” but the person who asked for them gets no label at all? Why is it wrong for women to be sexual but natural for a man to do so? Who came up with these antiquated rules?

Me embracing my sexuality does not need approval from you or anyone else. Stop policing women when it comes to sex because honestly, we aren’t listening anyway.

The call

So "she" called to tell me she loves me.

She did not call to tell me she is sorry for not being a part of our household.

She did not call to tell me she is sorry for not showing any sexual interest in me while we were together.

She did not call to tell me she is sorry for expecting all and giving nothing in return.

She did not call to admit that she used me.

She called to tell me she loves me, because saying you love someone is apparently good enough.

The call did not go well.