Afraid

I’m afraid.

I’ve been dealing with chronic nerve pain for over a year now. No one has been able to tell me why I have neuropathy. I’ve been on neurontin unsuccessfully. I’m now on Lyrica with moderate relief (I mean going from an 8/10 pain daily to a 4/10 is relief to me).

The neuropathy is spreading.

I now have numbness, tingling, and sometimes weakness in my arm. Nothing has changed. I haven’t gotten hurt. No new falls. Just new pain.

I want to know why.

Why do I hurt? Why do I feel tired all the time? Why do I trip over everything? Why do I feel weak when I wake up? Why do I feel like my spacial awareness is off? Why am I limping? Why can I hear the blood rushing in one ear? Why is it spreading?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I feel like I’m going crazy. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I feel like I have to be making this up. I feel like maybe I did something wrong to cause all of this. I feel like giving up.

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Frustrated

I’m so frustrated. I have chronic pain. I have neuropathy in my left leg. I now have nerve pain in my right arm.

There’s no reason for either.

This is bullshit.

I am so tired of hurting. I’m tired of limping. I’m tired of tripping over things. I’m tired of almost falling. I’m tired of all of this.

I just want to be better. I want to be healthy. I want to jog like I used to. I want to not be tired all the time. I want to sleep through the night.

I just want to know what is wrong. How am I so unhealthy at an age that I shouldn’t be? I feel like I’m losing my mind! I’m so ready to not feel like this…

Little changes

I’m making little changes.

  • I stopped buying sodas and instead drink carbonated water with fruit or even a little crystal light flavor.
  • I stopped buying boxes of cookies and instead have the 100 calorie pack snacks.
  • I’ve started calorie counting. I’m not super strict on myself but I do use the My fitness pal app to track my daily caloric intake.
  • I walk a half mile from my car to work each day.
  • I only weigh myself once every week or two.
  • I’ve stopped beating myself up when the scale fluctuates.
  • I’ve stopped standing in the mirror and pointing out my flaws.
  • I’ve stopped looking to social media for the definition of beauty.

I’ve stopped trying to attain the “ideal” body and instead just want to be healthy. There is nothing wrong with me. I am learning that. I am not perfect but I am not bad. I’m me… And that’s just who I’m supposed to be.

It’s not over

Things aren’t going the way you would like (you had plans for the perfect future).

It’s not over.

You haven’t accomplished what you thought you would by this age ( I mean, why aren’t you a millionaire by now?!).

It’s not over.

You aren’t married yet while all of your friends are (and your family makes sure you are aware of that).

It’s not over.

You still haven’t finished school yet but it seems like all of your peers have.

It’s not over.

You still can’t come out to your family (not prepared for the “you’re going to Hell” speech).

It’s not over.

You haven’t been able to get pregnant.

It’s not over.

Your marriage of ten years just ended because of an affair.

It’s not over.

It seems like the world is just passing you by. It feels like you are stagnant. It feels like everyone else has their shit together except you. It feels like everything you hoped for in life has failed. It feels like you are a failure. It’s a dark and depressing time. It feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. It feels like your life is over. It’s not over!

Stop comparing your life to others. Your timeline is not their timeline. So what you’ve been in school four years because you can only afford to go part time. You’re still going dammit and that is something to celebrate. You’re still single? Okay, and? Take this time to learn to love and understand yourself and build yourself up. Your world doesn’t end because a relationship does. You are meant to do things on your own schedule. You will get there as long as you keep moving.

And that is where a lot of us fail. We stop moving.  Plan A, B, or C failed or we didn’t accomplish it in the time we thought we should so we just stop trying. We don’t move on to Plan D because why bother, right? The first three plans failed so there is no reason to keep going. Don’t let those thoughts get inside your head. Don’t let that defeatist attitude take over. You will get there as long as you keep going. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and if not, use your phone flashlight and light that bitch up yourself! You have value to add to this world and don’t you ever forget that!

 

You’re not an individual anymore

Since when was it necessary to lose your individuality just because you are in a relationship? I keep seeing relationships where one person is so insecure that they have to be up under their partner at all times. He/she can no longer go out with friends unless their partner is going too. If they don’t text back in 2.7 seconds then it’s an argument. They want to Facetime/call/text 24/7 with no time in between. I see stuff like this glorified on instagram all the time (memes of the girl getting dressed because her guy is going out with friends and she decided she’s going too). That constant need to be near their partner and have no space at all is strange.

Is that not annoying?

Is it not also a red flag? 

Yes, red flagI say that for a reason. I have learned over the last few years of dating fuckboys (and one fuckgirl) that space is essential.  It gives you time to actually miss your partner. It gives you time to decompress. It gives you time to be an individual. And that right there, ladies and gentlemen, is where the red flag comes in to play (at least for me). Why does this person not want to be alone? I used to be that red flag. When I was jumping from relationship to relationship, I did it because I didn’t want to be alone with myself, it made me uncomfortable. I didn’t want to be an individual. Hell, I couldn’t be an individual because I didn’t know who I was as a person outside of being a girlfriend.  I had so many pent up issues that I just didn’t want to deal with, but they always came back whenever it was just me. When I was up under someone I could pretend everything was okay. My depression wasn’t real. My mother being gone wasn’t real. My alcohol problem wasn’t real. My anxiety wasn’t real. My fears weren’t real. My inability to communicate like an actual adult wasn’t real. In a relationship it was no longer “me”, it was “we” and I could pretend like all my problems that I was hiding weren’t real. I could focus all of my attention away from myself and all the things I need to fix and focus on him/her. Pretend perfection… until things fell apart. 

See, all those things I hid from were still there and would eventually rear their ugly little heads. I would still be depressed. I would still want to drink. I wouldn’t know how to communicate my feelings so instead I hid them until I couldn’t anymore and then blew up over some dumb shit. I was one problematic ass girlfriend. Seriously! I wanted to make whoever I was with drop their individuality and become this inseparable entity. It was beneficial for me, who cares how it was for them right? But that’s not all. I ended up in shitty relationships because instead taking my time to find someone that actually had something to offer, I jumped on whoever was next. Fuckboy after fuckboy. Sprinkle on a fuckgirl for good measure.

So to recap, I was a shitty girlfriend that dated shitty people and ended up in shitty relationships because I couldn’t be alone and deal with my shit. I am willing to admit this as I sit here typing, single as hell and finally okay with it. In fact, I have been single for a year now. I had a few friends with benefits but I dropped them so I could just focus on me, my issues, and finding a person worth my time. Being alone SUCKED in the beginning but I am finally at a point that I am comfortable with me. I am enjoying this space. I am rather happy as an individual. I am waiting until I find someone that I can snuggle up under, love all up on, and still have “me time” without them getting offended. 

 

5 months

Guess who hit five months of locs?

This chick! I even have a little hang time!

I actually call them “locs” now instead of saying “twists” because my hair is finally starting to loc near the ends. This has truly been a learning experience since I’m doing this on my own this time around. Here are a couple of things I’ve learned so far:

  • Locs need moisture. I was bad at that the first time I had them. My hair only got attention when I went to the beautician. Now that I’m doing them myself I pay far more attention to my hair.
  • I don’t need to wait 6-8 weeks between washes. I know not to wash my hair weekly but for me, that’s too long in between washes and I sweat too much for that. (Somewhere a loctitian is cringing. I’m sorry.)
  • It’s not “lint”. That white stuff I saw in my locs the last time I had them wasn’t freaking lint! I have dandruff but I also have a sweaty/oily scalp as well (it’s weird but it’s true I swear). When I scratch my scalp I don’t have flakes, I have a residue that will actually sit under my nails. Now I wash my scalp twice, then I focus on my locs and they may get the double wash as well. I have almost none of that residue in my locs this time around.
  • Patience! I’ve learned patience. While I admire the long locs I see on others, I had to force myself to understand that they are much further along in their loc journey than I am in mine.
  • My hair isn’t always going to look “neat”. Locs frizz up just like my twists used to. My locs like to face different directions as well, I need to learn to be OK with that.
  • Not everyone “approves” of locs and that is not my problem. This is my hair journey, no one else’s.

I can’t wait to see what my locs are doing in another five months!

So I’m watching soccer

Thanks to my brother I’ve started watching soccer.

This is new for me.

I never watched soccer prior to a few months ago… And then my brother moved in. He loves soccer so he decided to try and get me to watch it. I was hesitant because I legitimately had no idea what was going on. I mean, how do you play a sport for 90 minutes and have no score! I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it. My bro being my bro, he sat me down and started explaining the game as we were watching it. He made me watch the whole 90+ minutes.

Oh… Ohhhhhhh. That’s how you can play a sport for over and hour and a half and still end 0-0. The defense! The skill level required to maneuver that ball is unbelievable. The fact that they run into each other like two trucks colliding, and then get back up and act as if nothing just happened blew me away.

You want to know what really got my respect? The fact that soccer players are on that field for the whole damn game! My fat ass would literally die.

Seriously. About 3 minutes into the game I would collapse onto the field dead from a massive heart attack because I’m far too out of shape to do any of that.

Now I’m hooked.

I’ve been intensely watching the World Cup. The games have been wild, especially now that I know what’s going on. I’m glad I let my bro convince me to watch a Chelsea match. All this time I ignored an entire sport because I was close minded. I’ve had people try and get me to watch a match and I flat out refused. MAN WAS I AN IDIOT FOR THAT!

So now, the sport of fútbol has a brand new fan!