Up and down

I’ve been up and down as of late. Some days I feel normal, like a functional member of society. Other days I feel like I don’t want to be a part of anything. For me, this is pretty much my norm… Except lately there have been quite a few more down days than usual. Depression is an ongoing battle, especially for me since I refuse to take meds. I use therapy and other outlets to help with the lows. Most of the time this works for me but not right now. I’m down, way down. I spend almost all of my time locked up in my room. I have to talk myself out of canceling outings. I have to force myself to do laundry and that only happened because I was finally out of underwear. I just sort of feel like I don’t want to function. I don’t want to be a part of anything. I don’t want to exist. I am not sure what the trigger is for the down mood this time. Most of the time I can pinpoint what is dragging me downward. Often times it’s the holiday season or perhaps my mother’s birthday. Mother’s Day is one of the worst days of the year for me and I have learned to prepare myself for that but also not judge myself too harshly for how I feel. This time is different. It’s January, the start of a brand new year. It’s basically a do-over. Somehow, I feel worse than I felt during the holidays. I am in the midst of depression and I don’t like it. I don’t like the sadness. I don’t like being so withdrawn. I don’t like the fake smile I put on almost every day. I don’t like what I call “soft” suicidal ideations (no plan but little thoughts of just ending it that I am able to talk myself out of). Most of all, I don’t like not knowing why. I guess I need to come to the realization that depression doesn’t need a reason. It strikes when and how it wants to.  This is what mental illness is like. It’s not an aesthetically pleasing Tumblr blog. It’s not a sad song or a deep piece of poetry. It is raw. It is unexplainable at times. It is life disrupting. It is unplanned. It is painful. Most of all, it is real… all too real. So here I sit. I am trying to figure out the next steps to take to get myself back on the right track. I am trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t. I am deciding on whether it is time for therapy again. I am doing whatever I can to crawl out of this hole.

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LoL

No, I’m not laughing out loud. I am talking about a game that my cousin got me hooked on, League of Legends. It’s a MOBA (multiplayer online battle arena) which is basically protecting your base while you try and destroy theirs. From the ones I have seen, it’s typically 5v5 (your team of 5 versus their team of 5). I am new to MOBA’s, hell, pc gaming in general. Let’s just say I sucked when I first started.

I have been playing now for about two months and I can say that I have improved. I play the part of a marksman, shoot to kill. The game has LOTS of characters to choose from but I have grown fond of one in particular, Miss Fortune. She is easy to learn and her ultimate is easy to use. As a beginner to MOBA’s, she is perfect for me. My friends are experienced with these types of games so they choose to play support, tank, assassin, other sh*t I don’t remotely understand. Yeah, I am going to stick with my point, click, shoot.

As someone that doesn’t like to try new games because I get frustrated, I like it. Actually, I love it. It’s fun. It’s totally different from anything else I have played. I haven’t started PvP yet because I’m not ready to get my a$$ kicked on a regular basis nor am I ready to deal with the toxicity that comes with playing against real people. I am trying to build up my skills so that when I finally step out into the wide world of real-time play I am actually of some benefit to my team.

Hopefully I keep this same enthusiasm when I step into that real battle arena…

MAGfest

It’s almost time for MAGfest! Yay… I think.

I am normally super excited but this time I’m not. Normally we stay in the Gaylord where the convention is held. This year we are staying in a hotel in Alexandria because MAGfest fucked up their room registration so bad that it was almost impossible to get through to register. By the time the system let us in, ALL the rooms in the Gaylord and the surrounding hotels were sold out. This comes after the new decision with preregistration to increase the price as time progresses and more people buy tickets.

Yeah.

I am not impressed with how they have handled things this year. It has taken away a lot of my enthusiasm for MAGfest this year. Don’t get me wrong, I will enjoy myself. I will play as many games as possible and buy as much game related merchandise as I want. I will make the most of my time with friends. However, MAGfest really did not handle things well. This may be my final year attending unless they figure shit out for next years’ registration process.

 

Childless

I am childless. It was originally not by choice. I have PCOS. It’s a condition that has made it all but impossible for me to get pregnant naturally (trust me I tried).

When I first learned about my diagnosis I was 19 and devastated. I’m a woman. My reason for existing is to be a mother, to give birth, to start a family! That’s what woman do!

Or so I thought.

I watched everyone around me get pregnant, have children, be happy. I was so depressed and jealous. I wanted desperately to have children like a real woman. That’s what society taught me. My purpose as a woman was to be a mother. Being infertile made me feel like less of a woman. It hurt. It hurt so much feeling like I failed at womanhood.

Then I grew up. Emotionally. I began thinking about motherhood. I began thinking about how I felt about motherhood. I began thinking about how I would be as a mother. I realized I am not mother material. I am not maternal. I don’t have the patience for children. I don’t get “baby fever” when I see infants. They’re cute but once they cry I’m giving them back with the quickness! Honestly, I don’t actually like kids. I wanted kids because I was supposed to want kids. Coming to this realization was so uplifting for me. It’s sounds strange but coming to the realization that I didn’t want children, society wanted them for me took so much weight off. My womanhood was no longer bound to my uterus. My womanhood was no longer bound to my inability to produce another human. I am a woman regardless of what my body can or can’t do. I’m a lot happier now.

People listen to me say I don’t want children and still try to invalidate my feelings by telling me things like “just wait until you meet the right person” or “you say that now but just wait until that biological clock starts ticking”. Not wanting children is not abnormal. I have nothing to be ashamed of. You can’t talk me into wanting kids because you think it’s what I’m supposed to do. I’m childless. I’m happy. Respect that.

So I watched Star Wars…

So I finally decided to enter the Star Wars universe. I know, I’m late as hell. I grew up a Star Trek fan, not a Star Wars fan. I knew the Enterprise not the Millennium Falcon. I never saw a reason to watch Star Wars… Until now. I binge watched all seven movies over the span of two days. Yes, like 15 hours of movie in two days. It was intense. It’s not that the movies were intense, it was the fact that I had to figure out the order I was going to watch them in, find them all, and then commit myself to the effort. So I got drunk.

I mean, why not.

I decided to watch in chronological order instead of release order. I wanted to follow the story from what was supposed to be the beginning. If you plan to jump into the Star Wars universe with no prior knowledge of the story then I suggest starting this way as well. Some people say to watch the originals first and then the prequels to save some of the surprises. Unless you’ve been living under a rock then you know Darth Vader is Luke’s dad and he isn’t happy about it. There aren’t any real surprises left after all these years. This meant, however, I started with the weakest movie in the franchise first: “Phantom Menace”. Listening to Jar Jar Binks talk is like listening to Trump’s tweets being read aloud. It’s cringe worthy. Just so you know, there’s less of him in episodes two and three and none of him in four through six. If you can tough out “Phantom Menace” then you’ll do just fine.

I liked the movies. I won’t say I am a new Star Wars fanatic. I won’t be dressing as a Jedi for movie premiers or going on opening day. I will say I am a new fan. The story is engrossing. The characters make you like them or hate them. You feel for them in their times of loss. You cheer for them in their times of triumph. It can feel a little repetitive though. Despite that, the saga really can pull you in. In fact, it pulled me in so much that I am typing this after just getting home from seeing “The Last Jedi”. I loved it. It seems that some of the more in depth and hard core Star Wars fans weren’t a fan of this one. I have my own opinion as to why.

It’s not “Luke vs ‘insert villain here'”. In fact, it feels like the story is clearing a way to not be “Skywalker” centered. Don’t worry, no spoilers here. I just feel like this new addition to the saga is taking the story in a different direction, I like that. You meet new characters. You learn new things about Luke and what he’s going through. You learn new things about the force. It just felt new. That’s a good thing to me. I guess when you’re used to the stories following a center pattern is hard to accept it when the story starts to veer away. I’m excited to see how the saga continues to progress. Star Wars has gotten itself a new fan.

Chronic pain can kiss my a$$!

For the past several months I have been dealing with chronic pain. An old back injury had turned into new constant battle.

I pulled my back several years ago. I’m a nurse, I’m hard headed. I simply took some meds, a little heat, some rest, call it a day. I never got it checked out.

I regret that.

Pulling on unconscious trauma patients has aggravated that old back injury. It’s inflamed with a bulging disc just for added pizzazz. I, in my hard headedness, decided I was going to ignore it. Again. Because I’m an idiot. Yeeeeeeah, no. This time I had to go see someone. I can no longer lie flat on my back or my stomach (which is how I used to sleep). I can only sleep on my side now. I have trouble standing up if I have been sitting for too long, my lower back will spasm. It’s affected my life. I’m always tired because I don’t sleep for more than a 2-3 hours at a time, the pressure on my hip wakes me and I have to reposition to the other side. I’m always in pain. Always. I refuse to take narcotics. I have an addictive personality and I know that. I’ve struggled with alcohol before and I don’t trust myself. I’ve seen my spine patients. I’ve seen them go through withdrawal after surgery waiting for us to hang their opioid tolerant PCA. I don’t want that.

So the ortho-spine doc sent me to the pain clinic. She wants me to have an ablation where they burn the nerves in the inflamed area for longer lasting pain relief. Yay!

Except our hospital insurance is a hater. I can’t just go and have the ablation on both sides like we want. No. I have to go and have one side temporarily numbed up. Then schedule another appointment to have the other side numbed. Then schedule to have the ablation on the side that was first numbed up and then schedule another appointment to have the other side ablated. Four different procedures for one problem. Awesome. I’ve had the first numbing procedure and it helped… For a few weeks. They basically injected lidocaine into my back near the inflamed nerve. My back muscles spasmed so bad during the procedure that it moved the needle each time they inserted it, so it took multiple attempts and hurt like hell. The doctor told me it was the hardest one he had done and wrote me a prescription for a muscle relaxer. That was in October. I can’t get any of the other procedures until January because that’s the next opening they have. So I’m waiting on that. I’ve dealt with the pain this long what’s a few more months right? What I did not realize is how inflamed the nerves on that side would be once the numbing medicine wore off. Let’s add constant sciatic pain from the low back to the calf muscles to the party.

Fabulous. Another spine appointment, another med. I’ve gone from taking no prescription meds to taking baclofen and neurontin. Nothing hard core thank goodness but I don’t like being on meds. It could be much worse so I’m thankful that at least we have a plan in place to try and help me get better.

To all my chronic pain sufferers, I feel you. I understand your frustration. I get what you’re going through. You are stronger than you know. Don’t give up.

Cuffing season

So I’m guessing cuffing season has begun? I have had two exes pop up out of the blue. Why? After months of not hearing a word from either of them they pop up wanting to communicate as if everything is fine. Let me guess, it got cold in that lonely bed? You figured since I’m single my bed was cold and lonely too? I guess you think some smiles and jokes will help win me over?

Let me help you out :

No.

Not today.

Not tomorrow.

Not again.

I’m good Satan. I’m good…