Backwards

Sometimes I feel like I’m going backwards. I try to make strides forward and yet there is always something keeps knocking me on my ass.

I want to go back to school. I have no idea how I will pay for it.

Student loans are docking my pay check.

The washer in my house is acting stupid.

I need to get my car looked at.

I still don’t know what is going on with my legs and the pain.

I just want life to give me a break… Just a little break…

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Your lane

“Stay in your lane”…

Something that we have all heard at least once. I know I have heard it an abundance of times and I am sure I have had to say it to a few people myself.

What Lane?

As much as we like to use the phrase, what lane are we all talking about exactly? Until recently, whenever I told someone to stay in their own lane, I meant for them to mind their own business. However, what about lanes in life? It was actually an Instagram post from Idris Elba (that piece of perfection but let’s stay on track) about getting rid of people that tell you to stay in your lane.

At first I was like “what?”. Honestly, what’s wrong with minding my own business? Once I stopped drooling and actually listened to what he was saying, he wasn’t referring to staying in your lane the way I usually meant it. This wasn’t about minding your own business.

Life has lanes. As we grow, there are several lanes we encounter in life. Do I step into the lane of work right after high school or do I go down the college road? Do I step into the lane of working for myself or do I work for someone else? Do I stay in the lane I have been in or do I step into the lane beside me and follow my dreams? That is what he was referring to. Life has all of these different lanes/roads we can follow but some of us have people in our lives that are so afraid of failure that they stay on one path forever because it’s comfortable. Those same people tend to try and tell you to “stay in your lane” in hopes that you stay just as stagnant as they are. They are afraid to step onto a new path but also jealous that you have the strength, the audacity to want to try something new.

“How dare you?!”

In their eyes, how dare you want more for yourself and be willing to get it? How dare you be comfortable with change? How dare you have the courage to step into the lane beside you that is going in a totally different direction? They will never say such things to you directly. No. They’ll do things like tell you about all of the ways you may fail if you step into this new lane and follow it to its end.

-“Yeah, you could go back for your nurse practioners but that’s going to take like two or three years, can you even afford that?”

-“Do you know how many small businesses fail in their first year?”

-“Ok but what if you don’t like your new job?”

-“Aren’t you a little too old to be thinking about changing careers?”

-“Can you even make money off of that?”

-“Are you going to have time for that, I mean with being a mom/dad and all?”

They will never admit that they wish they had the courage to even consider stepping into a new lane. They will never admit they are insanely jealous of how brave you are being. They want you to stay in your lane because it makes them feel better about staying in theirs.

Don’t be like them. Don’t listen to them. Jump out of your lane if you want. Try the lane to the left of you. Try the lane to the right of you. Hell, try the lane going east to west if you want. Don’t be stagnant just because the people around you are. Do you.

8 months

I’ve hit 8 months with my locs!

It’s been an interesting journey so far. My locs are not the same thickness, that was a surprise to me. When I used to two-strand twist my hair my twists seemed to me to be the same size. My locs are doing whatever the hell they want right now. I’m not used to not having strict control over my hair. I get compliments on my hair a lot now but I still feel like I look ridiculous. I’m hoping once I get some more length I’ll feel better about how my locs look. Then again, I think I just need to get used to my “wild child” look. Who needs perfection anyway?!

Nekocon

So I got to go to Nekocon again this year.

For those of you that don’t know, Nekocon is an anime convention held in Hampton,VA the first weekend in November. It’s basically all things anime and super cool cosplay.

I loved it. I am an avid anime watcher so any excuse to be around other anime nerds I’ll take it! The con has rooms where they have different anime shows and movies playing throughout the day. I finally got to see “Summer Wars” from start to finish. I always caught the movie in the middle whenever it played on Toonami. I also got introduced to “Darling in the Franxx” which I like. I had heard negative things about it but so far, I’m hooked.

This is why I love going to conventions. I feel at home. I get to be around people of all ages who enjoy the same things I do. I don’t feel awkward or ashamed of my nerdiness when I’m at conventions. For just a few days, I get to get away from society’s ideas of what a 35 year old black woman should like.

Being in my mid 30’s, a woman of color, and still loving anime can be a bit lonely. I rarely, if ever, run into another woman of color that is my age and is also into gaming and anime. I can’t go on a girl’s night out and talk about the new episode of “My Hero Academia”. No one would know what the hell I was talking about!

That’s why conventions are important, at least to me. It’s the one time when I’m not the weird one. So I’m making myself a promise that next year I’m going to try and attend more conventions. No shame. I am who I am and I like what I like!

Liar liar

Liar liar pants on fire!

You were made privy to a terrible situation perpetrated by someone you know and yet you deny you knew.

Liar liar pants on fire!

You said that you would not only speak to this person but you would make them apologize.

Liar liar pants on fire!

You said you spoke to them and they denied it but you know deep down it wasn’t a lie.

Liar liar pants on fire!

When you were asked about it again you refused to answer or return calls.

Liar liar pants on fire!

When the situation finally escalated beyond your control you tried to change the story around.

Liar liar pants on fire!

Now you try and spread TERRIBLE lies to cover your tracks and the tracks of the person you defended.

Liar liar pants on fire.

Now, you have no friends left but one and the few family members willing to believe your story.

Liar liar pants on fire!

Now you try to post your perfect life when we all know it’s slowly falling apart.

Liar liar pants on fire!

Now karma is after that ass and you don’t know what to do but keep up your facade that you’re “his queen” and he’s “your king”.

Liar liar pants on fire!

Hey, you may have lost the only friends that really tolerated your dramatic styling but you gained some family that is just like you. That’s got to count for something, right?

First steps

So I had my first neurology appointment.

I am not sure how I feel about it. So far MS has been not necessarily ruled out but there is a very low suspicion for it. I am happy about that because it was a big worry for me.

The Lyrica is helping. My nerve pain in my left leg is down from an 8/10 to anywhere from 2-4/10. I am at least able to function again. I have even gone out on a few walks without feeling like my leg was about to give out. Sounds small but that is super exciting to me. The pain is still rough by the end of the workday but nowhere near as bad as it used to be. I still limp sometimes, though. That bothers me because I can’t hide it. I don’t like my health problems being so… visible.

I have had an MRI of my brain, cervical, and lumbar spine. There are no lesions in my brain as far as the scan has shown. There are no vertebrae in my spine that are pressing against my nerves. My blood work is just fine.

Basically, we have no idea why I have constant nerve pain, weakness, numbness, burning, and tingling in my left leg and no clue why my right arm gets tingly and numb as well.

I still have an EMG coming up in a few months but for now, I know nothing about why I hurt. That is the most frustrating part. I just want to know what is wrong so we can figure out how to fix it. I want to be fully functional again. I want to be pain-free. I want to walk without a limp. I want to go jogging again.

I just want to be me again.

Afraid

I’m afraid.

I’ve been dealing with chronic nerve pain for over a year now. No one has been able to tell me why I have neuropathy. I’ve been on neurontin unsuccessfully. I’m now on Lyrica with moderate relief (I mean going from an 8/10 pain daily to a 4/10 is relief to me).

The neuropathy is spreading.

I now have numbness, tingling, and sometimes weakness in my arm. Nothing has changed. I haven’t gotten hurt. No new falls. Just new pain.

I want to know why.

Why do I hurt? Why do I feel tired all the time? Why do I trip over everything? Why do I feel weak when I wake up? Why do I feel like my spacial awareness is off? Why am I limping? Why can I hear the blood rushing in one ear? Why is it spreading?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I feel like I’m going crazy. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I feel like I have to be making this up. I feel like maybe I did something wrong to cause all of this. I feel like giving up.