I am childless. It was originally not by choice. I have PCOS. It’s a condition that has made it all but impossible for me to get pregnant naturally (trust me I tried).
When I first learned about my diagnosis I was 19 and devastated. I’m a woman. My reason for existing is to be a mother, to give birth, to start a family! That’s what woman do!
Or so I thought.
I watched everyone around me get pregnant, have children, be happy. I was so depressed and jealous. I wanted desperately to have children like a real woman. That’s what society taught me. My purpose as a woman was to be a mother. Being infertile made me feel like less of a woman. It hurt. It hurt so much feeling like I failed at womanhood.
Then I grew up. Emotionally. I began thinking about motherhood. I began thinking about how I felt about motherhood. I began thinking about how I would be as a mother. I realized I am not mother material. I am not maternal. I don’t have the patience for children. I don’t get “baby fever” when I see infants. They’re cute but once they cry I’m giving them back with the quickness! Honestly, I don’t actually like kids. I wanted kids because I was supposed to want kids. Coming to this realization was so uplifting for me. It’s sounds strange but coming to the realization that I didn’t want children, society wanted them for me took so much weight off. My womanhood was no longer bound to my uterus. My womanhood was no longer bound to my inability to produce another human. I am a woman regardless of what my body can or can’t do. I’m a lot happier now.
People listen to me say I don’t want children and still try to invalidate my feelings by telling me things like “just wait until you meet the right person” or “you say that now but just wait until that biological clock starts ticking”. Not wanting children is not abnormal. I have nothing to be ashamed of. You can’t talk me into wanting kids because you think it’s what I’m supposed to do. I’m childless. I’m happy. Respect that.