I was taught to forgive. “Forgive and forget” they say. “Forgiveness helps you heal” they tell you. Nah, fuck that. Forgiveness is NOT for everyone and at NO POINT will I let anyone make me feel guilty. Sometimes I need to feel the anger. I need to acknowledge the pain. I have been lied to, cheated on, used, abused, hurt, abandoned… I have every right to FEEL!

People love to try and force the belief that forgiveness is the proper thing to do, the right thing to do, the only thing to do. Not always, not for everyone. For me, acknowledging that I was wronged feels like the right thing to do. Allowing myself to feel anger feels like the right thing to do. Accepting that you do not care how you have made me feel and I am allowed to hate you for that feels like the right thing to do. You may think I am allowing negativity to run me. I’m not. I am embracing my emotions, all of them. Negative emotions are still emotions and they should be allowed to happen as needed. It is a part of healthy self-care.

I almost feel like sometimes people rely on forgiveness because it is easier than accountability. It is easier to say “I forgive you” than to call someone out on their constant bullshit. Maybe people think it hurts less. We tell families that have had members killed to forgive the murderer.  We tell rape victims to forgive their attackers. We tell minorities to forgive people when they make racist statements. We tell women to forgive men when they make sexist comments. We tell wives and husbands to forgive their partners infidelity. We tell children to forgive their parents for mercilessly beating them. We tell gays to forgive Christians for constantly telling us we are going to hell. Forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive. NO! How about instead, we tell people to stop being assholes? How about we hold people accountable for their choices? How about we not make the victim feel worse by trying to guilt them into forgiveness? How about letting people deal with things in their own way? How about we acknowledge that forgiveness has a limit and it’s not a cure-all?

I  mean, how am I responsible for forgiving you but you are not responsible for changing your behavior or even apologizing for it? I should forgive you while you continue to do wrong ? You can miss me with all of that. I don’t hold grudges, there is no point. However, I feel no need to forgive you because you do not deserve it. I can move forward while also wishing you get four flat tires at the same time. I can take that anger and grief and use it as motivation to grow. Am I doing this to prove something to you? Don’t flatter yourself. I am doing this to help my self advance emotionally, that’s all. If you are looking for forgiveness, go to church… I have none for you.


5 thoughts on “Forgiveness

  1. I loved this post.

    I’m one of those people who needs to forgive, for MYSELF. In the past, it was because I was afraid of anger, my own as well as everyone else’s. I probably still am to some degree, but now, I need to forgive because I have other things to make room for…

    But what I love SO much about your post is your stand to do what YOU feel you need to do for YOU… and because while reading it, I could see so clearly my own growth from using ‘forgiveness’ to escape unpleasant emotions, to where I am now… and my realization that I am ALLOWED to be angry when I NEED to be angry.

    Thanks for sharing!

    • It took a long time for me to understand forgiveness is my choice. So often it’s forced upon people. I had to learn it was ok to feel emotions, the good and the bad. I feel a lot better now. I’m glad this post spoke to you too.

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