When does it end? How many more have to die? It’s unbearable.


Do the thing

Remember that thing you told yourself you were going to do? Why haven’t you done it yet? What is stopping you from doing “the thing”?

For me, “the thing” was going back to school to get my BSN. I knew I had to get it to remain competitive in my field. It is almost impossible to advance from being a bed side nurse without at least a BSN. Yet, I kept finding every excuse not to do “the thing”. “I can’t get financial aid so I can’t afford it”. “It’s going to take a year or more for me to get this degree”. “I don’t have the time to study”.

Continue to insert bullshit excuses for four years.

In that time I did actually attempt to go back to school. The program I chose was not for me AND I did not dedicate myself to completing it. I wasn’t serious about it so I flunked out. After that I started back with the excuses… until I had no choice but to go back to school and get this degree.

At the time I was working at a hospital that I hated. While I was in an ICU setting, which is what I wanted, the place I worked did not care about their patients. It was about profit. I don’t do well in that type of an environment, I am far too much of a patient advocate for that. For me to get out of there and back into a teaching hospital, I either had to have a BSN or be willing to complete one within five years of hire. Looks like your girl was going back to school whether I wanted to or not!

I won’t lie, school damn near broke me. I paid completely out of pocket so I had to get a high interest loan, took a PRN position in what can only be described as Hell, and took multiple term breaks just to not have a mental breakdown. What could have easily been completed in about a year and a half or less took me three years. My degree just came in the mail.

This has been a learning experience for me. It made me realize there are multiple ways to do ” the thing”.  It also made me realize I needed to be realistic with the timeline I created to do “the thing”. Whether it took one year or five, those years were going to pass anyway. I could either use that time wisely or I could continue to watch the years progress. I had to learn to readjust and keep going.

So I say to you, what is keeping you from doing your “thing”? Could you have done “the thing” in the time you have spent finding excuses? You can do this. Whatever that “thing” is, you have the ability to accomplish it. Take that first step, all the steps after that will seem a whole lot easier. You’ve got this.

So close.

I am one portfolio away from having my BSN. I’m so close to this ordeal finally being over. I have no motivation. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be done with school. I am just so burnt out that the thought of another project makes me want to scream! School has been a huge ordeal and has even put me into debt. It’s caused a mental breakdown more than once. I’ve thought about quitting probably every term. This has been a rough road. I am over it. I am glad that I did it finally. This degree will help me advance in my career as a nurse. This degree is a stepping stone to what I actually want to do. I’ll look back on this and realize all the stress was worth it.  But for now, I am going to angrily stare at the taskstream instructions for this last project… 

Dear weird black child (BEDA 29)

Dear weird black child,

There is nothing wrong with you. Do NOT let your blackness be defined by someone else. You do not belong in the box that other people, including OUR people, want to put you in to. There is nothing wrong with who you are. I have been there. I was that weird black kid and I turned into a weird black woman. I am proud of that.

I didn’t dress like everyone else. I wasn’t, and I am still not, label conscious. I didn’t really listen to rap music. I was super into anime (still into it now). I read manga. I was an undercover gamer. I was that weird black kid. I was made fun of. I was told that I “talk white”. I was told I wasn’t “black enough”. I was told I was weird. It took time but I embraced it. I am who I am and that is good enough for me.

You are who you are. Your blackness is in no way related to the things you enjoy. It’s ok for you to be more excited about the Looney Tunes Vans than the Yeezy season 2’s. It’s fine that you would rather watch soccer than basketball. Go ahead and participate in cosplay, you look GREAT! Sing along completely incorrectly to that Korean pop song, I’m in my car singing along too. You don’t know any of the rappers out right now? That’s ok, neither do I. You’re standing in line for a new game? Have fun and play hard! You know more about anime than reality television, you’re not alone (in fact most of the people I know don’t watch reality shows). There is absolutely nothing wrong you. There is nothing lacking about your “blackness”. You are who you are and you have no reason to be ashamed. Do not let others change how you feel about you. Be weird. Be true to who you are. You are not obligated to meet anyone else’s ideas of “how to be black”. There is no manual. There are no “blackness guidelines”. Your black does not have to match anyone else’s black. You are who you are meant to be.

Think of something

Gotta think of something. I want… No, I NEED to go back to school for my BSN. While I am proud of my Associates in nursing degree it can only get me so far. I ultimately want my Master’s, but to get that I have to get my Bachelor’s first. I don’t have anymore financial aid for the undergrad portion of the degree. So this is where I am stuck. I want to go back to school but I can’t afford to go back to school. It’s too expensive for me to pay out of pocket at this point (that was the plan before the whole “I need to move by the end of the month” thing). It’s like the Universe is conspiring against me. Either that or it’s trying to steer me somewhere that I can’t see or understand yet. Let’s hope it’s the second part.