I am fat, I am well aware of this. My weight and I have been in a constant battle since, like, puberty. At my skinniest, I was down to 105 lbs at 5’8′. At my biggest, which is right now, I am 220. Somehow I am happier right now than I was at my skinny weight. Yeah, I see my rolls. I see my stretch marks. I see my cellulite. I see my double chin. I very much see all of my flaws. I still want to lose weight. However, I am no longer obsessed with being thin.
I have bought a couple of dresses and felt cute in them. I am comfortable walking into the “plus sized” section. I smile a little more when I look at myself in the mirror. I even bought my first crop top and I’m going to wear it! For some reason, I am a little less uncomfortable with my body. Self-esteem is still an issue for me and I do still find myself comparing myself to other women that better meet society’s standards. I am not going to sit here and pretend everything is great. Some days I absolutely hate what I see. Those days are getting further and further in between though.
I don’t plan on staying at this weight, while I am not unhealthy I don’t like being quite this big. It’s not comfortable for me. I am going to lose weight but I think my ideal weight is changing. I realize that I am just not meant to be super skinny. I also realize that’s okay. Being bigger does not make me less of a woman. Being bigger does not make me undeserving of love or admiration. Being bigger does not define me. I am hoping to get to a point where I am totally comfortable with myself, regardless of my weight.
I need to learn to worry about my own comfort. Regardless of who I date, or who I am around, I tend to change myself to make my partner or friends comfortable. I need to stop doing that.
I am bisexual. I hid that for years because I didn’t want to make anyone else feel awkward. I am not really religious though I do believe in God. I also love collecting crystals and burning sage around my house. I hid that from anyone I dated because I didn’t want people to feel weird about it because they didn’t understand it. I have wanted my hair super short for years but didn’t cut it because my ex preferred me with hair or a weave. I wanted a nose ring but didn’t do it because my (ex) girlfriend didn’t like them. I have collected posters from going to Magfest three years in a row but didn’t put them up because I didn’t know how my partner would feel about anime/comic/gaming posters on the wall. I held off on the Sailor Moon tattoo I wanted because I didn’t know how to explain to other people why I would want permanent ink from an anime.
I spent a lot of time doing what I thought would make other people comfortable. I did not take the time to notice that no one really went out of their way to make me feel comfortable with all the odd things I liked. So I stopped giving a damn about other people’s comfort. My crystals and incense are out and on display in my living room. My posters are on my wall. My hair is as short as I want. My nose is now pierced. My sailor moon thigh sleeve has been started.
It’s my turn now. I don’t have to change for you, you have to accept me for who I am. Simple as that.