It’s settled

It’s settled.

I won’t be settling anymore.

For far too long I have been settling for “good enough” when it came to my life. Jobs, relationships, I have just been looking for good enough. I can’t do that anymore.

“Good enough” has not been good enough. It has kept me from growing, changing. It has kept me in a place that I should not be in. “Good enough” has not made me happy. It has made me settle for people that I should have never allowed into my life. “Good enough” has kept me from making the big move I want to make. “Good enough” has to go.

I cannot settle for less than what I am worth. I cannot settle for whats available. I deserve good things. I will get them.

Better

Slowly… Slowly but surely I’m starting to get myself back together. I’m feeling happiness. My smile is real most of the time now. I am letting myself be around friends. I’m really starting to feel like me. I guess we all go through ups and downs. For a while, though, I had a lot more “downs”. It felt like life, the universe, and everything was conspiring against me. It’s like my world started spinning backwards. Things are just out of whack. That’s ok. I’ll pick up the pieces. Backwards or forwards its still my world.

Getting back my get up and go.

I lost it. That spark. My get up and go. My vibrancy. Some time over the last month or so I’ve just turned in on myself and watched my inner light dim… It’s now faded to black. There’s been a lot of things going on that have just taken the fun and happiness right out of me. Last week was my mother’s birthday, she would have been 55. Cancer (that asshole) assured that didn’t happen. My grandmother is now sick, very sick. She is the only grandparent I have ever really known. I need to start school but I have no idea where the money will come from. I’ve maxed my under grad loans (thanks ECPI you bastards). All together it’s made me a very depressed hermit. I’ve avoided seeing friends. Lied to my parents so they think I’m ok. Smiled at work so people don’t worry. It’s how I’ve always handled things. Smile, nod, hold it in, don’t worry anyone else. It doesn’t work. It never does. Eventually the facade cracks. Eventually my strength wanes. I break. Everyone stands around me screaming “WHY WON’T YOU LET ME HELP YOU?!” I have support now. I have people on my side now. I just don’t know how to let them in. It’s been me, myself, and I for a while. I had to pick up and move on. I taught myself how to put my feelings into a box and hide it away. Well, I’ve got no more room for my boxes anymore. Time to clean house. Throw out those boxes full of sadness. Throw out the boxes of pain. That bag full of inadequacy? Yeah, that can go too. It’s not the end. I’ve made it through worse. I’ll make it through this.

Realize

Ever take a step back and realize a lot of the negativity in your life is because YOU allow it? No, really think about it. We all have that one friend or family member that never has a positive word. They never have encouraging things to say. They are always surrounded by drama. Anytime you try and do something positive they have a negative outlook on it. Knowing all of this we still choose to keep them around. Why? We know it isn’t healthy but yet we allow it. Are we secretly thriving off of it? Do we allow it because it gives us something to complain about? Are we feeding off of their negativity? It’s an idea we don’t want to think about because it’s uncomfortable. Why in the world would we need negativity? Honestly, we don’t. I think it’s less us wanting it around and more us being used to it. Because these people tend to be so close to us, we hear it and just accept it. They don’t mean me any harm, right? They are family, they are my best friend, they are just looking out for me. WRONG! It is the people closest to you that will do you the most harm! They know you, know your strengths and weaknesses, and they will use it to keep you on the same level they are. Take a good, hard look at the one person in your life that this applies to. I’ll bet you they haven’t reached any goals in life. They are probably the same person now that they were 10 years ago. I bet they continue going to the same clubs, hanging with the same people, doing the same things, putting forth the same amount of effort, yet expect a different result. They change nothing so nothing changes and they blame everyone else for it. This is why they are so negative, so bitter, such a life sucker. Now lets take a look at your life. You’re trying. You are coming up with ideas to get where you want to go. You realize one method doesn’t work so you come up with another. You are headed in the right direction… and they HATE you for it! If you make a new plan, they are the ones telling you it won’t work. If that plan does happen to fail, they are right there saying “I told you so”. They are laughing as you cry. Let them go. They are sucking your life force out of you. You wonder why you don’t have that bounce in your step like you used to? It’s probably them. You wonder why you want to give up? They are probably telling you to. Let go of the negative people and watch your spirit soar. Feel the weight be lifted off your shoulders. Feel the happiness come back into your soul. You may feel pain at letting someone so close to you go. You may even feel guilt, I know I did. You’ll get over that. Maybe you can help them get out of their hole. Maybe you can’t. All you can do is try. Realize your life is for YOU to live. Enjoy it. Live it. Love it. Be that person that has stories to tell the kids when you’re on your deathbed. Be the grandparent that has pictures that prove you did get arrested for sneaking into Mexico! Be you.