So here we are (BEDA 30)

So… here we are. It’s my last blog of BEDA. This is the first time, since I started blogging, that I have written on a consistent basis. Typically I write when the mood strikes. It was always inconsistent. Sometimes I would go for months without a single blog, and then blog back to back. This “BEDA” challenge was really me challenging myself. I wanted to see if I could actually blog consistently for a month straight. Turns out I can.

I think when I originally started blogging it was just to have a place to express how I was feeling at the moment. Then somehow I got this idea that blogs had to be full of well thought out and long posts. I thought I had to have some amazing point to get across. So I only blogged when I had an important thought to get out. That is why my posts had been so sporadic. BEDA has taught me that a blog can be a spur of the moment thought or feeling. Not every blog post needs to be “deep”. This is my online journal and I think I want to try and use it more.

Blogging everyday in April has actually been kind of a fun challenge. It sort of reignited my passion for writing. BEDA gave me a new perspective on blogging. I think I am going to try and blog more consistently now. I want to try and blog at least once a week. I am going to have my brother hold me to this. Guess we will see how this goes.


Dear weird black child (BEDA 29)

Dear weird black child,

There is nothing wrong with you. Do NOT let your blackness be defined by someone else. You do not belong in the box that other people, including OUR people, want to put you in to. There is nothing wrong with who you are. I have been there. I was that weird black kid and I turned into a weird black woman. I am proud of that.

I didn’t dress like everyone else. I wasn’t, and I am still not, label conscious. I didn’t really listen to rap music. I was super into anime (still into it now). I read manga. I was an undercover gamer. I was that weird black kid. I was made fun of. I was told that I “talk white”. I was told I wasn’t “black enough”. I was told I was weird. It took time but I embraced it. I am who I am and that is good enough for me.

You are who you are. Your blackness is in no way related to the things you enjoy. It’s ok for you to be more excited about the Looney Tunes Vans than the Yeezy season 2’s. It’s fine that you would rather watch soccer than basketball. Go ahead and participate in cosplay, you look GREAT! Sing along completely incorrectly to that Korean pop song, I’m in my car singing along too. You don’t know any of the rappers out right now? That’s ok, neither do I. You’re standing in line for a new game? Have fun and play hard! You know more about anime than reality television, you’re not alone (in fact most of the people I know don’t watch reality shows). There is absolutely nothing wrong you. There is nothing lacking about your “blackness”. You are who you are and you have no reason to be ashamed. Do not let others change how you feel about you. Be weird. Be true to who you are. You are not obligated to meet anyone else’s ideas of “how to be black”. There is no manual. There are no “blackness guidelines”. Your black does not have to match anyone else’s black. You are who you are meant to be.

Bad and bougie (BEDA 27)

It’s seems a little contradictory to be cheap and also uppity. I think we all know someone like this. They think the Migos song is talking about them. These are the people that expect everything from everyone but rarely give anything in return. The guy that talks shit about other dudes that aren’t popping bottles in the club, but the bottle he is holding was bought by his friend. The girl that can’t afford a Michael Kors purse but calls a dude worthless because he won’t buy it for her. The person that will invite you out to lunch or dinner and expect you to pay. The person that’s label conscious but can’t buy those labels so they borrow their friends clothes to stunt in. They want to portray themselves as top notch, bougie, too good for “regular” things but can’t afford the luxury they so desperately want. They bash others for not living the lifestyle that they pretend to live. You see them on social media all the time with their fake life. They show their jewelry and clothes but not their 410 credit score and $12,000 in credit card debt. They are in a constant one sided competition with everyone else. They aren’t happy but pretend to be and they are fabulous at pretending. 

So the next time you feel yourself comparing your life to that perfect social media life that you see remember, not everyone is who they “post” to be.

Me, games, and inconsistency (BEDA 26)

I am such an inconsistent gamer. I may play a game for days on end, then stop… for years. Case in point, “Persona 4 Golden” for the PS Vita. I got the game probably a week or so after it was released. I played endlessly for weeks. Then I just stopped. I think I got stuck trying to beat some boss shadow. Probably got frustrated and put the game down. I do that a lot. I happened to be going through a box and found my Vita again. Persona was still inside, waiting. Seeing the game cartridge made me nostalgic. I actually really liked the game, I shouldn’t have quit.
I am not the greatest gamer. In fact I will be a n00b for the rest of my life, no matter what I’m playing. I am one of those people that has terrible hand/eye coordination. I can’t do the “special move”. I probably don’t even know what the move is. I don’t know how to chain moves together. I can’t “run and gun”, I am not built for that first person shooter life. I can play the hell out of a side scroller though. I am also decent at games with a storyline and missions. I am one of those people that like structure.

 I just get frustrated so easily. If I get stuck in a game, I just give up. I put the game down and stop trying. I need to stop doing that. It’s somewhat of a metaphor for how I have dealt with life. Can’t figure out a solution? Give up. That’s such a loser stance to take. I can’t just give up as soon as there is a little friction. Nothing gets accomplished that way. Time to restart that saved file. 

Just so you know, as terrible as I am at gaming, I still consider myself a “gamer”. I enjoy gaming. If I don’t play, I watch others play. I want to know what game is coming out and when. I like listening to commentary from those “hard core” gamers. I like being a part of the gaming community. To me, that still makes me a gamer. I don’t think being a “gamer” is a title only reserved for the “experts”. There are levels to this. So, I will still call myself a gamer even though I am sporadic as hell and pure trash in most games. That’s my choice.

My neck, my back (BEDA 25)

I really need to work on my body mechanics. I have no idea why but my back has been in a continuous spasm since last night. I picked up an oxygen tank to mine ur and almost dropped to my knees from the pain. Typically my back only bothers me if I’m constantly moving heavy patients, which is unavoidable since I’m a nurse. 

I think it’s time for my first deep tissue massage. Or is it time for me to stop pulling on patients? 

Just friends (BEDA 24)

I need to ask a question: why do so many people feel like men and women can’t be “just friends”? Why is there an automatic assumption that if two people of the opposite sex are close they have to be sleeping together? I encounter this thought process from others often. 

I have mostly male friends. In fact, there are only two females that I consider myself actually close to. If you’ve read other blogs of mine then you know I refer to my guy friends as “my boys”. We refer to ourselves as “the cool kids”. We are as close as friends could possibly be. When we hang out, I’m almost always the only girl. If it’s not a group hang out then I’m typically with my “brother”. Either way, I’m around guys majority of the time, and I see the looks. Those “she’s f*cking him/them” looks or the “she’s definitely a ho hanging around all those guys” looks.  It’s never bothered me at all. I’ve never felt awkward around them, nor have I slept with or wanted to sleep with any of them. They’ve never made me feel like any one of them was trying to make a move on me. In fact, I went to Magfest this year and we all stayed in one hotel room… four guys and little ol me. It was four days of foolishness as evidenced by my Instagram posts during that trip (so. much. alcohol).  I guess that’s why I don’t understand the thought process behind the idea that men and women can’t be friends, I’m proof that we can.

However, I know women that feel like every man that tries to strike up a conversation with them is actually just trying to “get some”. I get it, ladies, I do. We wade through a sea of fuck boys on a daily basis. The guys that use the guise of friendship to see if they can get something more out of you, we’ve all dealt with them. However, you know that’s not every guy though right?

 I can hear your response now “all the dudes know are after something” or “they only want to be friends to see when they can make their move”. Sweetie, ask yourself this: Why are all the guys around you fuck boys? Why are you allowing them in your life or anywhere near you period? Once you notice friendship is not their agenda, especially after you’ve made it clear that that is your preference, why are they still in your life? Once they cross that line, after that line has been clearly marked, drop them and move on. Their mind is not where yours is. Instead of being bitter about a fuck boy, just make your life “fuck boy free”. Take a moment to assess how you are coming across these “male friends”. Where are you meeting these guys? Did you meet homeboy at a club and after he asked “do you have a man?” he then asked “well can you have a friend?”, because you know damn well that’s not what he’s after. Are you on dating sites ” only looking for friendship”? If so, please get real. Dating sites are not the place to make new “friends” hence the reason they are called “dating sites”. Did he slide into your dm’s? Come on, you know what he’s up to. Was he flirting first and after that didn’t work settled on the friendship approach? You saw his true intentions in the beginning. Sometimes you really can tell the plan by the approach… and yes I know, some fuck boys are smoother than that. Some use your likes, your hobbies to try and get close (I’ve dealt with that before). Eventually they show their true colors, like I said drop them and move on. 

Don’t allow the wrong men to make you think all men are wrong. Some men are perfectly fine having you as their female friend. Some men really aren’t looking at you like a piece of meat. Some men simply want to enjoy your companionship and conversation. Don’t place all men in one box, it’s how you miss out on the good few. 

Now fellas, let’s talk for a second. Are you aware that a woman can talk to you and not want to date you? Did you know that just because you’re interested in more doesn’t mean she has to be? Her saying she just wants friendship is *not* a challenge. Sometimes we just enjoy having that male perspective. If she has made it clear that she considers you her friend or her “brother” (which is actually an important part in our lives), and you still hold on to the idea of more, she didn’t put you in the “friend zone”, you put yourself there. She made it evident that you are not who she is looking to date (and she has that right, she is not obligated to you) and yet you drag along hoping you can weasel in. Bruh, if she isn’t into you then she isn’t into you. Find someone who is. Enjoy your friendship with her and look for someone else to build an actual relationship with. Now if she’s one of those girls that gives you *just* enough hope to keep you from moving on, RUN! That’s actually the last woman you want to date anyway. She’s already showing you she’s about the games. She’s a fuck girl and she will eventually just be a headache. It’s not worth it, trust me. Don’t lose a great friend because your dick wants to make all the decisions. 

For those of you that have friends of the opposite sex, enjoy your friendships. Society will try to impose its ideals onto you. Society will try to dictate what your interactions with that person or those people should be like. Society is uncomfortable with platonic relationships. Society refuses to believe you can love someone of the opposite sex but not be in love with them. Society can go have several seats. Your friends are just that, your friends. If you’re like me, their sex doesn’t matter. You know how much they mean to you and how much you mean to them. Don’t let other people change that.