The “there’s no reason for this” guilt

So this weekend I got engaged. I was totally surprised because I never thought that was what he was planning that whole day. I should be happy. I am happy. I am super excited. Yet I feel this guilt for being excited. It makes no sense. I have every right to be excited about being engaged. That’s how I am supposed to feel. Somehow though, when I start looking at dresses, try to pick out colors, think of a venue, or pick the date I feel these twinges of guilt. I feel like it’s too early for me to be so happy. It’s too early for me to start getting into wedding mode. I feel like I am going to jinx myself and this relationship. I feel like I don’t deserve it. Maybe a part of it comes from the fact that I can be really hard on Bj sometimes. He has a hard time expressing himself and I have a hard time understanding that. But we always seem to work through it. Maybe I still carry guilt from my past. I have cheated on past lovers. I have been the girl on the side. Maybe I carry guilt from what I have done in my past and so I think I don’t deserve a future. Maybe that is bullshit and I need to stop punishing myself for being young and INCREDIBLY stupid. I have fought hard to get myself to where I am in life today. I have learned from my mistakes. Most importantly, this man looks at me and sees his future wife. It’s about time I see it as well…

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