I lost it. That spark. My get up and go. My vibrancy. Some time over the last month or so I’ve just turned in on myself and watched my inner light dim… It’s now faded to black. There’s been a lot of things going on that have just taken the fun and happiness right out of me. Last week was my mother’s birthday, she would have been 55. Cancer (that asshole) assured that didn’t happen. My grandmother is now sick, very sick. She is the only grandparent I have ever really known. I need to start school but I have no idea where the money will come from. I’ve maxed my under grad loans (thanks ECPI you bastards). All together it’s made me a very depressed hermit. I’ve avoided seeing friends. Lied to my parents so they think I’m ok. Smiled at work so people don’t worry. It’s how I’ve always handled things. Smile, nod, hold it in, don’t worry anyone else. It doesn’t work. It never does. Eventually the facade cracks. Eventually my strength wanes. I break. Everyone stands around me screaming “WHY WON’T YOU LET ME HELP YOU?!” I have support now. I have people on my side now. I just don’t know how to let them in. It’s been me, myself, and I for a while. I had to pick up and move on. I taught myself how to put my feelings into a box and hide it away. Well, I’ve got no more room for my boxes anymore. Time to clean house. Throw out those boxes full of sadness. Throw out the boxes of pain. That bag full of inadequacy? Yeah, that can go too. It’s not the end. I’ve made it through worse. I’ll make it through this.