Forgive

How do you know when to forgive and when to just walk away? Currently having one of those moments where I am at a cross roads.  He who shall not be named… he who destroyed my heart… he who lied with a straight face… he wants forgiveness… he “wants his wife back”. Do I forgive? Can people change? It’s what we have all been told “everyone can change”… well, can they? I am the worse person when it comes to forgiveness. I hold a grudge like it is nobody’s business. Now I am not asking whether I should forgive and forget. No, I know I will never forget how bad it hurt. I can never forget about all of the lies. That will stay with me. All I am trying to figure out is do I grant that wish?

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2 thoughts on “Forgive

  1. Switawi says:

    We can never go back, and once we learn something we can never unlearn it. Forgiveness is offered up as an answer in every corner of our world, but no one ever wants to talk about how you remember all the good AND bad things every time you look at someone. I, myself, have never been able to master the art of forgiveness. Follow your heart with your mind.

  2. I found your blog by way of an i09 post on anime – just thought you should know 🙂 You should also probably know that I’m answering your questions as a married, almost-40-year-old Catholic male who works in the Catholic church (to give you some context). Having gotten the preliminaries out of the way, here are my thoughts (in no particular order):

    1) Marriage is kind of a big deal to me 🙂 If there’s something that can help a couple/family stay together, it should be tried. If there’s even a ghost of a chance that your marriage (I’m assuming you’re married from the “wants his wife back” comment) could continue, I would (if asked) counsel you to try it.

    2) The way I see it, forgiveness doesn’t entail forgetting. It’s more of a state of mind / heart / soul / spirit / etc. that can let go of anger / hatred / resentment *while* remembering the incident that caused the hard feelings in the first place. Forgiveness isn’t really about the other person, either – it helps you immensely, even from a purely physiological and psychological point of view, to let go of feelings of hurt. You can literally make yourself sick holding on to a grudge, all while the other person may have already moved on. It’s a good thing for you to forgive. 🙂

    3) Can people change? Yes 🙂 But it takes a lot of effort and hard work, so the really question becomes, I think, can a particular person change a pattern of behavior they seem to exhibit very often. And here the sad answer seems to be no. 😦 A one time hurt on behalf of your significant other is one thing. If it’s become a pattern, you stand very little chance of that pattern changing.

    4) If there has been a pattern of hurt, then I would caution you to stay away from the relationship (yes, I know this contradicts my first point above). If there has been consistent hurt, maybe with individual and couples therapy (to help the hurtful partner change their patterns of behavior) the relationship could be salvaged, but it would have to be a commitment that both parties agree to follow. Without that mutual commitment, I’m afraid to say it may not work.

    Many prayers for you and your situation – it may be that it’s already been resolved. Either way, you’re both in my prayers this evening.

    Blessings & Peace,
    Hugo

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