>Guilt…

>Not sure why but I feel guilty about my family situation. My sisters and I all dealt with the loss of my mother in our own ways. They acted out, I went numb and burried myself in work and school. I didn’t really try and help my sisters get thru it, mostly because I was frustrated with what they were doing so I emotionally walked away. Maybe if I had tried to get them to talk, or maybe tried to steer them in the right direction, maybe if I hadn’t shut down, maybe we wouldn’t all be like this. Maybe they would have graudated high school, maybe they would have gone to college, maybe none of them would have done jail time, maybe drugs wouldn’t be involved. Should I have stepped up? Should I have tried to keep the family together? Was that my responsibility? My mom wanted the best for us. She wanted us to have the world in our hands. I am trying to reach that, I want her to be proud…my sisters haven’t quite gotten on that band wagon yet. It pisses me off to the fullest that we all had the same mother and they disrespect her and all she stood for, blatantly. By doing the things they do, they are spitting on her grave in my eyes. Maybe that is why I walked away from them. Deep down I think I am angry at them for dishonoring her memory. I know my mom wanted us all to stay close when she died. She knew we were all we had and we needed each other. I feel like I am letting her down. I have to shake this off, I have to deal with these thoughts before they deal with me…

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